(Closed) Update: Given interview 25 hours away but what about my relationship….

posted 7 years ago in Long Distance Relationships
Post # 3
Member
8353 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2011

I think your Fiance has some very valid concerns and your both need to be supportive of each other. Put yourself in his shoes and think about what you would be going through, if you were in the same situation as him. It is not that he doesn’t love you and want to commit to you. It is that he will feel like less of a person, if things don’t come together for him to. Right now, you don’t even know if you have the job, yet, so just try to keep an open mind and be supportive of him and validate his feeling. IMO, they are justified. I would feel the same way as him, if I were in his place.

Post # 5
Member
929 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I agree with Noritake. He’s just nervous, because, he wants to be able to support himself. I think his concerns only affirm solid character, really. Dont freak out yet.

 

Post # 6
Member
338 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I can see where he’s coming from; I’m sure it’s always scary to be the 1 to “follow” the other partner when you’re not engaged. It is definitely a big move, & it seems like he is having to make the decision quickly.. like, you got the interview & within the next week you’re going out there & may have to make a decision within another week. It’s easier for you, because you’ll already be set with a job… he, on the other hand, would just kind of be blindly following you out there with no job prospects, etc… which is a valid concern, especially with having loans etc.. to pay off.

I don’t think what he’s saying is “I don’t know if I want to marry you and if I move with you I have to stick with you, which I don’t know if I want to. ” I don’t think that’s it at all; He’s concerned that YOU might decide you’re living in this great new place with a great new job, & maybe he won’t fit into the picture anymore with your “new life” so to speak. I’m not saying this is the case, and to you, it may seem absurd that he would think that because you know he’s the one, but to him, picking up & moving 25 hours away, without any job prospect, & without being engaged or anything, I think it’s a much scarier idea for him.    

I think you BOTH have COMPLETELY valid points, but it is definitely much scarier for him.  It sounds like he’s trying to be responsible since he has payments he has to make, but you also need to be thinking of your career, too.  

Is there anyway you could move out there for this job, & then he can start looking for jobs & move out there when he finds one?  One of my old college roommates did that with her boyfriend; he moved back home to Boulder, CO but she couldn’t find a job out there at first.  She moved back home, & then 4 or 5 months later ended up getting a job there & moved out there. 

Post # 7
Member
3220 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

I’m on the other side of the fence on this one.  Did he know you were applying and interviewing, and he was super supportive the whole time? I get that he might be nervous about going somewhere new, but it sounds like he totally changed his tune! I’d expect him to say “okay well the next step is looking for me a job! this sounds great, let’s see what I can find to come with you” not “sometimes love just isn’t enough”.

Be confident, don’t give up on a great opportunity for someone who won’t stick with you.

Post # 8
Member
3220 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

Also this part:

He says, what happens if 6 months into it you get upset and leave or kick me out. Then I am fucked. Then he added how this would be completely trusting someone with everything and he has never done  that la la la (i thought he did trust me). He says how it is a huge decision and how he is feeling pressured to make it now. 

Ugh weddingbee cutting me off! This part makes me wonder if you don’t have a history of him not wanting to move forward and you dragging him along.  Do you all argue enough to give him reason to think you would kick him out?  I would be wary of moving cross-country with someone with whom I fought often.  Are you pressuring him into a lot of things? Or is he just having cold-feet now that the time has come?

Post # 9
Hostess
18637 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I understand him being upset but you both need to think about what your careers are in and who will have the harder time finding a job.  I’m not sure what he does, but you will probably have a harder time with all the layoffs in school districts.

My husband and I had to move across the country 2 years ago for his job because he had no prospects where we were.  I went to school for a year, and then found a job.  It isn’t in my career field and I won’t stay long term but it hopefully will help me find something later.

Post # 10
Member
2790 posts
Sugar bee

Would it be a possibility for “if” you get the job to move by yourself first. Then, while he continues to work where he is he can look for a job near you? That way he wouldn’t have to worry about being jobless. I understand long distance is hard but if it is meant to be as you feel then you could do that for 3 or 4 months while he applys to jobs.

His attitude towards the whole thing is disappointing but he has valid fears and the two of you would need to have more than just 1 serious conversation about this. Go to the interview and be very candid about needing plenty of information to be well informed before you decide to make a cross country move. Then weigh all of your options, pros and cons for all aspects of your life and then do what will put you in the best possible situation.

Post # 12
Member
10366 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

I think this is a very good thing, because it is obviously getting some issues out in the open that really needed to surface. If you are on a wedding chat board, you are clearly looking to marry this guy. He is obviously not sure. This job could be what makes or breaks you – regardless of whether you get the job. He may realize that you aren’t the one – and honestly, better now than later. Why waste more time??

Post # 13
Member
10366 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

Also, Colorado and IL are not that far away from each other. A 2 hour cheap flight isn’t the end of the world.

Post # 14
Member
338 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

@miss. eire: I’m glad you guys are going to talk about this more tonight.  Like @crayfish said, a 2 hour flight is not “the end of the world” and it sounds like you are trying to plan ahead to see what times will work well for seeing each other.  Working in the school system is definitely nice for that sort of thing; getting those few days off for Thanksgiving & 2.5 weeks off for Christmas.  Where in Colorado would you be working? I know Southwest often has deals for cheap flights out of Denver.

I think it’s definitely times like these that kind of make or break a couple & you really figure out where you’re headed.  In my grad school class, there were 17 of us coming in, and I think only 2 came in that weren’t in a serious relationship or already engaged/married.  The majority of the girls ended up being in a LDR with their boyfriends/fiancees because they had to make the decision that was best for them (all of us in the program were offered amazing financial aid packages that essentially made it so we only paid $700/semester for grad school) at that point in their lives, even if it meant being apart from their significant others.  However, still being on a school schedule allowed them to be able to visit during breaks when we had a little bit of time off.  The overwhelming majority did stay with their boyfriends & 7 of us got engaged, but 2 or 3 did go through breakups (but have subsequently started dating new people & are very happy!).  

It’s just kind of that point in your lives where you’ve been together for x amount of time & a big life change is coming up & you have tough decisions to make.  You want to do what’s best for you but you don’t want to sacrifice the relationship either.  You two will decide what’s best for you as a couple, & maybe he just needs a little bit of time to wrap his head around moving a few states away; it can definitely be intimidating moving away from all your friends & family.

Good luck & keep us posted on what happens! 🙂

Post # 16
Hostess
18637 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I’m glad the talk went well.  Just be youself on the phone and remember it’s okay to pause and think about a question instead of ummmmmmmmmming.

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