(Closed) Update: giving an ultimatum with dignity can be done, but…

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 31
268 posts
Helper bee

I completely agree with RobbieandJulia. 

Picture this: you leave him because you didn’t get engaged, and 5 years down the line you’re still single because you haven’t found anyone as good as your BF. Would walking away and not waiting 6 short months be worth it then? 

FYI, most apartment communities have a Roommate Release clause where he can sign you off of the lease at any time as long as he financially qualifies on his own and you both sign the release form. If your community has this, signing another lease isn’t as dire as everyone makes it sound. 

Post # 32
2066 posts
Buzzing bee

I wish I could save someone the grief I went through in my past waiting situation but every relationship is different.  You have to really look deep within about whether this is the partner you want for life and about the signals he is giving you as to whether he wants the same things you do in terms of marriage, family and timing.  There really isn’t a reason he can’t study while engaged.  You have to figure out on your own what to believe.  There is obviously no reason to leave if you actually believe he will propose in the fall or winter but I don’t think you believe that or you wouldn’t be here posting.  If  you do think its a strong possibility and he is the partner you want then wait until Fall or Winter.  He can get another room-mate or you can break a lease. 


  • This reply was modified 6 years, 4 months ago by Scarlett11.
Post # 33
1075 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I would not resign a lease. If it were me, my options would be:

A) He is the only one who signs the lease and if he doesn’t propose by fall, I’m out. This is problematic because some landlords are really strict about no adults living there unless they are on the lease, but there’s probably some sort of way to deal with that.

B) I move out and we continue seeing each other but on my terms and with some distance.

C) I move out and start over.

Post # 34
242 posts
Helper bee

OP my advice is you need to move on.  I know that is an utterly heartbreaking possibility (I have been exactly where you are).  But I do not see much positivity in what you write about this guy.

You’ve been together 4.5 years, which is a long time.  You aren’t kids.  He should know what he wants by now.   My view is that if a man really wants to marry a woman, he will make that happen, and he will make it clear from the moment he knowst, that that’s what he wants.

If he doesn’t want to marry a woman, however, he won’t do the opposite.  He will not make it *clear* he doesn’t want to marry her.  Why, because men much more commonly suffer from relationship inertia.  They don’t want to rock the boat, particularly when they’ve got it so good (ie live in girlfriend who loves him and cares for him).  So rather than saying “I just don’t think you’re the one for me”, they try to talk themselves in to saying that marriage and a life together is what they want, but they just can’t get themselves over the line.

I’ve had a lot of girlfriends in this situation, and I was too, and I do not know of a single man who has ever been the one to break off a long term relationship because *he* didn’t want marriage.  The men will just drag their feet so badly that they leave the woman with no choice.

I am sorry that you boyfriend is giving you so much insecurity about all of this, but my advice (for what it’s worth) is take that as a very important sign.

You want a guy who’s heart is busting out of his shirt wanting to marry you.  Who tells you he wants you to be his wife, who overwhelms you with how crazy he is about you and how much he wants it *all* with you.

To the PP who said, but what if you never meet anyone as good as your current bf – I completely disagree with that thinking.  Do not be a prisoner to fear.  That is a very sad mindset imo.  You current bf is filling you with insecurity about your future, after 4.5 years no less, and you are being asked whether you really can do any better?

OP – if you want to do better, you can.  But you need to take a long hard look at your current situation.  Don’t let some other person how have this much control over your feelings of security about your own future.  Write your own destiny.

I left a guy who was quite similair to what you’ve described of your bf.  I loved him like crazy and I was utterly heartbroken when I came to the realisation he didn’t see me as his ‘the one’.  It damn near destroyed me.

12 months later I met someone infinitely more compatible with me who, after only a few weeks, told me he cannot wait to marry me.  I cannot even begin to describe how different these two men are, and what a terrible shame it would have been if I’d stayed with the first guy.  My life would have taken such a different, unhappy course.

Best of Luck OP, whatever you decide.

Post # 35
2366 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

View original reply
lifestooshort:  Move out, this isn’t going anywhere. It seems that he was unwilling to face losing you and his career at the same time, but now that he’s shored up his job situation your out on a limb again. Forget this, you’ve certainly made your position clear. I’d give him 30 days. After five years that’s more than enough time to decide what he wants.

A man who wants to get married…does…it’s really that simple. Hanging around for years hoping that if you spend five more minutes with him he’ll realize youre it, is only going to make you miserable.

If you want to know what’s really going on you have to put him to the gun, the issue is then you have be certain you can live with his response.

I would find someone who cant WAIT to marry you, and trust me that guy is out there…you just need to get rid of your current BF if he’s not that guy so you make room for Mr. Right!

  • This reply was modified 6 years, 4 months ago by jily.
Post # 36
952 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

i think you should move out. so that you will have the space to think about what you really want. living together makes it difficult to think it through. 

Post # 37
13 posts
  • Wedding: August 2009

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lifestooshort:  I just wanted to commend you on being so straight-forward, forthcoming and honest with him about your intentions and desires. I wish he would be the same way with you.


Ask yourself one important question: Does your monthly rent contribution make his life significantly easier from a practical and monetary standpoint? If you answer yes, he’s using you. If you answer no, he does love you. Whether or not his willingness to love you “for now” but reluctance to commit forever is enough for you is another question you have to ask yourself.

Post # 39
162 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

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lifestooshort:  I don’t know you or your Fiance personally so my opinion of your situation is entirely based on what you’ve written and what I would do in your situation. It sounds to me like you have prepared yourself for the possibility of checking out of the relationship if necessary. To me, that means that your already past the point of fighting for it, and that’s ok if you’re not happy. If it were me, I would let the BF know that you’re just not getting what you need out of the relationship and that you can’t continue living together knowing that it isn’t moving forward. I’d move out at the end of the lease and leave the ball in his court. If he truly wants to marry you, he won’t let you go. And if he does let you go, then you have your answer…but that’s just what I would do.

Post # 40
7 posts

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lifestooshort:  I’m going through something pretty similar to this, and I just wanted to know what ended up happening?  Do you have any advice for me?

Post # 41
1 posts

Any updates? Hope you are going well! 

The topic ‘Update: giving an ultimatum with dignity can be done, but…’ is closed to new replies.

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