Update: he bought an e-ring for me… but is acting withdrawn now

posted 7 months ago in Waiting
Post # 16
Member
801 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 1996

Honey – no, no, no, no!!!!!!!   When TRUE love exists on both sides, it is NEVER this way!   He simply DOES NOT LOVE YOU the way a husband needs to love his wife.

The last few words in your post are:  “the other part of me is like WTF”.   Girl, LISTEN TO WHAT YOUR GUT IS TELLING YOU.   

 

Post # 18
Member
475 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2021 - Boulder, Colorado

On one hand, feeling uneasy doesn’t automatically mean that you don’t want something. I have difficulty seeing myself getting married and having children even though I’ve always known that I wanted it. Knowing that you want these things at some point in the future isn’t the same as actually going through it. I had a lot of anxiety when we first started talking about marriage and it took me about half a year to even feel somewhat comfortable saying “fiancé”, and I’m still not really drawn to anything bridal other than the ring because it’s been fun to research and design it.

On the other hand, it sounds like he doesn’t know what he wants and constantly doubts himself, so he goes back on his own decisions whether that’s to break up with you or to marry you. I have anxiety and relate to this in many ways. It will be good for him to work on this with a therapist, but it’s not going to change him into an entirely different person. It isn’t an issue in my relationship because we communicate openly about all of this and I know that it’s just anxiety even if I can’t erase it.

Even from the perspective of someone who tends to do this myself, it doesn’t sound like he’s really into the relationship and he is making promises out of fear and anxiety rather than out of love or desire. Being with someone who is there because they’re afraid to make the decision to leave isn’t the same as being with someone who wants to be with you. I don’t think you will ever be happy or content with him because he will always make you feel doubtful and insecure about where you stand.

Post # 19
Member
744 posts
Busy bee

@teainthemountains:  I agree with this. I think there are people totally capable of being excellent partners who just have no desire for marriage. Over the years I’ve know couples together for years, sometimes decades, who just never bothered. They had everything that makes a great marriage, just never made it legal. The problem is when people don’t know or won’t admit to themselves or their partner that he/she is one of those people. You end up wasting someone’s time if it’s a deal breaker for them. 

Post # 20
Member
305 posts
Helper bee

Commitment phobia. Panics when “marriage” becomes real and is not just an idea. It’s a complicated cycle.

Post # 21
Member
3188 posts
Sugar bee

He doesn’t want to marry you. Don’t take him back.

Also, I think it’s telling that in your last thread, you said you repeatedly told him you wanted more kids. Now you’re saying you don’t? Either you’re lying to yourself, us, or him. Don’t compromise what you want for this 50 year old man child.

Post # 22
Member
475 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2021 - Boulder, Colorado

View original reply
@unicornwolf:  100%.

It’s like monogamy or anything else. It’s great if you’re both on the same page, but absolutely not if only one of you is on that page.

Post # 23
Member
2146 posts
Buzzing bee

View original reply
@waitybee20:  Oh how awful for you! I’m sorry this is happening. 

Unfortunately this sounds very familiar to me, I went through a similar thing. Talking to his family about how he messed up, getting into counseling and begging me to go with him, becoming very interested in our future, proposing. Then about a month after he proposed he said he no longer wanted to get married and broke up with me. I can tell you that it messed with my head. I couldn’t understand how he could be so sure that he wanted me and then suddenly not, when I had known almost from the beginning that I wanted to marry him. It was devastating. I don’t blame you for taking him back when he seemed to ‘see the light’, I too wanted so much to believe it. 

The thing is, my ex didn’t want a future with me, he didn’t want to marry me, he was in ‘save his ass’ mode. Once he got comfortable with my being back again he reverted back to what he was. Even years later he isn’t quite sure what his problem was, but it wasn’t with marriage as he met and married someone else a few years later. 

Bee, you mentioned in your first thread you still wanted kids, and maybe you are willing to compromise on that for this guy, but you need to understand that even then he will never give you what you want. He will not wake up one day and realize that you are the love of his life and he needs to marry you. He couldn’t even make it a month. He likes his life the way it is and doesn’t want it to change, even for you. He wants you back as a girlfriend, not as a wife he will have to consider while making decisions. 

If you want to be married, please stop wasting your time with this guy. If you had left 2 years ago you could be married to someone else right now. There are men who would adore you and be over the moon to marry you. Give them a chance. 

Post # 24
Member
5992 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2017

Get ready for his stalling on actually getting married, and a forever engagement/refusal to actually set plans for a wedding.

Post # 25
Member
4 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: September 2014

When a men really loves a women he moves the earth and the moon. If he really loved you will not have doubt it. You deserve love. 

Post # 26
Member
283 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2019

When you marry a guy like this he will put the road blocks down during the marriage. He won’t buy a house with you so as a married women you’ll be purchasing property alone. He won’t make holiday plans. Won’t make joint couple goals for the future or retirement. The goal posts will always change and he will never commit to you.

Marriage is not the goal. A securely attached man that you can trust is.

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