Post # 1
So if you have read any of my more recent post you know that my SO and I have been going through a really difficult time recently.
Recap: To briefly summarize; my SO of over 3 years and I started planning our wedding then took a break 3 weeks later due to him having doubts. The break was very hard on me and after less than I week I told him I could not take the uncertainty any longer and that I needed to end the relationship to spare my heart any more pain. He realized he didn’t want to lose me and decided that he was in fact ready and was just freaking out because he had so many other things on this plate at the time. See my other posts for more details.
Now I am pretty sure that he has either purchased or is in the process of purchasing the ring and am fairly certain that he is going to propose this coming weekend when we go on vacation. He came right out and told me the ring he is going to buy (he wanted to surprise me but was concerned I would be disappointed if he purchased the setting I wanted with a slightly smaller center stone than we had previously discussed). Of course I told him that was completely fine. He then said we could upgrade once we are more established but that he wanted to surprise me since I “already ruined this proposal.” That kind of made me sad that he felt this way but truly, if he wanted it to be a surprise I don’t understand why he waited until I was so hurt and tired of waiting that I was going to end the relationship to get it together. During the same conversation, he asked if I was expecting an elaborate proposal. I said I was not and jokingly said I wanted a hot air balloon ride, a private photographer and a candle lit picnic on the beach. Two seconds later, he reminds me to make sure I bring my camera on our trip because he thinks, “It might be pretty there.” My SO is excellent at keeping secrets when it comes to surprises so I am not sure why he’s spilling so much information now (unless he is trying to throw me off).
Despite the fact that I know a proposal is coming very soon I am having a really difficult time waiting. I’m disappointed that he took so long that I’ve developed this “get on with it” attitude. I am also still feeling a bit of resentment about it taking him almost losing me to step up. I love him so much and I hate that I am feeling this way because it’s causing me to turn into complete bitch. He’s trying to give me what I want and I’m still angry and I can’t figure out why. It’s really bothering me.
Is this normal??? Do you think things will settle down once we are officially “engaged”? Have any former waiting bees still had resentment towards their Fiance after they got engaged or did it not matter anymore?
Post # 3
There is so much pressure on the guy (that they put on themselves but also social pressures) to deliver the perfect engagement, the perfect ring…that just relax, be super sweet, know it is coming and don’t put any pressure on him.
Hang in there!!! You are so close!
eta: yes, I had a bit of resentment since I was ready to get married a year ago and spent a few special occasions in anticipation only to be let down. When he finally did I was so excited but also like “Well golly gee, its about time there, mister”.
Post # 4
@fivemonthsnotice: Thank you! That’s really good advice. I know I shouldn’t add to the pressure but it’s so hard to be patient when I know it’s so close. In your case did you find that the proposal at least helped somewhat to relieve the pressure/resentment?
I think part of the issue for me is that he has waited so long that if we want to get married when we originally planned I am going to pretty much have to do everything because he is going to be away a great deal for about 7 months after this October. I don’t want to wait any longer to get married. I just want to start our life together already.
Post # 5
@Sweetheartchic: I think things should settle down after you are actually engaged. You won’t have time to be angry or resentful because you will be busy planning a wedding and your lives together!! Just try to be gracious for this last stretch- you got it!!
Post # 6
@HeartsandSparkles: Thank you for your feedback. That’s what I am hoping will happen once he proposes. I just hate that I’m feeling this way and I hate that he feels like I “ruined” the proposal.
I know I just need to hang in the next week but it’s going to be tough.
Post # 7
Right now SO’s full time job is looking for a job, not planning the perfect proposal for me (at least I don’t think, if so he’s doing one hell of a job at keeping it close to the vest), so I’m doing better about waiting, but I find myself being a bit resentful at times that he’s not in a better position at the moment to have proposed sooner. 🙁
Post # 8
I think all of the resentment went away after I got engaged until Fiance told me it was too early to plan the things I wanted to plan. He was ok with me planning the wedding, but we had/have a long engagement (2 years 3 months, and I wouldn’t have it any other way) that he had to remind me a few times that I was getting ahead of myself. Which annoyed me because even once I had the ring I was still waiting in a sense. I was very good about not planning anything wedding related until I was engaged so it was hard to wait until closer to the wedding to really plan. Now that I’m less than a year out and planning full force I don’t have any more resentment issues.
Basically, the resentment goes away once you’re engaged and can finally move onto planning your wedding. As long as the only problem in your relationship is you being upset that you’re not engaged, it should be resolved with the ring. If there are other issues, a ring won’t fix them.
Post # 9
I can understand why you feel resentful…you’ve been through an emotional rollercoaster! But you’ve come out on top – so celebrate that milestone. While I don’t think your SO should have made you feel bad about “ruining the proposal,” at least he was thoughtful in trying to choose the ring setting you would like best.
I’m glad to hear others say that resentment is somewhat normal in these situations. Whenever I catch myself feeling resentful about waiting, I try to take a healthier attitude of feeling grateful I found the right guy for me…and I try to accept rather than resent that things do not always happen on my timeline. Easier written than done, I know! It’s best for things to happen at the right time for both of you – be glad he went through the doubts pre-wedding than post-wedding! But I know it’s not always easy to me in the waiting mode, so hang in there…I’m right there with you!
Post # 10
I can totally relate to what you’re going through. SO & I will be together 6 years on Oct 27. He’s told me more than once that (in his opinion) all my asking about when he’s going to finally propose to me has ruined the element of “suprise.” To which I’ve replied that when you’ve been dating for almost SIX YEARS, getting engaged isn’t really much of a “surprise” anymore!
I can feel my animosity grow every time the subject comes up and he tries to brush it off. The other day when we were talking & I told him that I feel like I’m in a funk & I have nothing to really look forward to, he said that “things will be different by the end of the year.” He knows how badly I want him to propse by New Years Eve (at the latest – preferably before that but I know it’s his decision) so I’m hoping he will come through. But the next four months are gonna be long and the virtue of patience is NOT one that I possess 😉
Post # 11
Thank you everyone for all the great advice. I know I need to be patient and that I’m not going to have to wait much longer but the past few weeks have been really tough on me emotionally. It’s hard to know what to do with all the emotions that have been stirred up. I had some traumatic childhood experiences (including abandonment and neglect), which I have spent years of therapy sorting through and coming to terms with. My SO’s doubts and the fact that he is leaving for months brought up a ton of feelings I hadn’t really anticipated. It’s really hard to trust him again until I have “proof” (i.e.. the ring) to show me that he’s 100% sure. In the past, I have never been able to stay mad at him because I just love him so much. It’s scary to feel this way towards him. I’m hoping that it’s just that he hit a nerve and that once I’m confident that he’s committed that everything goes back to the way it was. Ugh… this week needs to fly by!
@mrs_pudding_pop: Thanks for sharing your story. I feel better knowing that the way I’m feeling is “normal.” I usually am not the kind of person to become resentful because I say what’s on my mind but in this situation it’s best if I keep my mouth shut so it’s causing me to feel more and more resentful with each day that passes without a ring.
@asscherlover: Thank you. That’s what I’m hoping for. I am fairly certain we will not be having an extremely long engagement since we have already chosen the date 11/02/13. I will be extremely disappointed if we have to move the date back any further.
@GirlNextDoor: I agree. I’m also really glad to see how common these feelings are. I didn’t really grow up with great role models when it comes to relationship so I tend to overthink everything and question if how I’m feeling is “normal” for the situation.
@stargazer102706: I had the EXACT same conversation with my SO about it not being much of a surprise when he waits so long. I said something to the effect of that if it weren’t a given at this point that we were getting married then we needed to have a serious chat. I then (semi-jokingly) said, “You know if you really wanted to surprise me you could propose like tomorrow. I’d be completely shocked” hehe.
Post # 12
@Sweetheartchic: It sounds like you should be able to dive right into planning which is good. I was able to do some things right away (make a guest list mostly) but it was tough waiting to visit venues (destination wedding in our home town) even though my school schedule was to blame, not my Fiance. I hope the rest of your waiting period flies by.
Post # 13
@asscherlover: Thank you I hope so too. I really want to be able to plan ASAP so that the big things (venue, etc) are taken care of before he leaves. Also, right now he has more money than I do so he might need to help with the deposit or whatever which will be difficult if he’s out of the country. I do not anticipate any help from my parents.
Post # 14
Update: So now I’m thinking that my SO isn’t going to propose this weekend. I’m going to be extremely disappointed if it doesn’t happen. I’m worried I won’t be able to enjoy our trip now.
Over a month ago I went in to Zales to have them explain how the trade-in policy works (we are using my mother’s ring from a previous marriage). They said we had to spend double to cost of the ring but there were few items in the store at that price point compared to the selection online so the sales lady said she would try to get the ones in I requested and call me… She never called so I emailed Zales last week (more to complain about the poor customer service). Zales called to apologize today and my SO asked me for the name of the saleswoman so that “IF” he went there he would not buy the ring from her.
IF???? WTF!!!! My heart literally just sank. I suppose he may be trying to throw me off because of his previous slips but this just is not siting well with me at all.
I don’t know what to do. I could wait until this weekend and hope he does it and not “ruin” the surprise but then if it doesn’t happen I’m going to be miserable. I can’t keep feeling this uncertainty. My uncertainty was what led me to almost end our relationship.
Am I like WAY overthinking this and overreacting? I seriously have been crying about it since I got home from work. I just don’t want to be disappointed again.
Post # 15
I’m not sure if you are overthinking or not but it’s possible he might just go to another jeweller and that’s why he said if. Hope it happens for you soon, and try not to cry – you’re worth more than just tears!
Post # 16
Unless he is really being awful and yanking you around, the IF is probably meant to throw you off. I don’t know. I’m so sorry you feel so miserable and your relationship has been so hard lately! If he IS being awful, then he’s not acting worthy of love and needs to mend his ways.
If he doesn’t do it this weekend, I think you are fully entitled to have a major blowup at him and maybe really leave. (Um, not really re: the blowup, but demand to know why he didn’t follow up on his promises?!) But if he doesn’t, maybe it means that Zales failed to get the ring to him? In that case he should tell you why it didn’t happen. . . . It sucks that this is such an issue for so many people. 🙁
Good luck, and keep us posted on what happens! I REALLY hope that he proposes this weekend!