(Closed) Update: I can’t see this working out :(

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
3601 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 1992

Mine never went that way.

He needs a woman to know and understand him completely? Bullshit. That will never happen. He needs to get over that because it’s not going to happen. Who even knows and understands their own self completely? It sounds like a pleasant relationship, but he has unrealistic expectations.

Post # 6
Member
5096 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I’m sorry, but that sounds like the reasoning of someone who is too immature or self-important to get married any time soon.

Just the fact that he’s so concerned about you knowing him, but apparently not at all concerned about HIM knowing YOU makes me think that he is too self-absorbed to commit fully to someone else. 

He’s setting the bar impossibly high. You have to know him as well as his dad?  Well, that’s never going to happen (in his eyes) because his dad has had 37 years and seen him grow from a baby into man.  You can know him *differently* than his dad, but by his reckoning, I doubt he’ll ever give you credit for knowing him well enough.

Maybe I’m wrong.  Did he give you an estimated timeframe, at which point he can conclude you know him well enough?  I am sympathetic to people who feel that 18 months isn’t enough time…I dated my fiance for 6 years before we got engaged!  But not because of some bullshit reasoning like this. For us, it was because I had to see that he could deal constructively with his depression.  That was a several-year-long period, during which I stayed with him, but couldn’t commit to marrying him. But it was for a concrete reason, not because he “couldn’t truly know me.” 

Post # 8
Member
2463 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

i agree with helenberrycrunch–that’s just unrealistic. making the commitment to marry is choosing to change with that person you love as you grow and change in unpredictable ways and confront everything life throws at you together.

our pre-engagement convos didn’t go like that–when hubby was hesitant, it was because he personally didn’t feel ready to be married yet, like he wasn’t sure about his career, etc, but. he always seemed sure about me…but that’s just our experience though…

Post # 9
Member
2893 posts
Sugar bee

I’m calling BS too. We are human beings, not instruction manuals. We are dynamic and while our partners can know us pretty damn well, they will never know us perfectly. And like you said, you can’t measure that kind of knowledge, nor put a time limit on it. No one can say, “I’m so dynamic that I’ve measured the exactly number of years it takes for someone to get to know me.” That’s idiotic. And having the perfect partner means you’ve found someone who can, and wants to change with you if it happens. Everyone worries about that. If I become a vegan will he still love me? If I put on 10 lbs, cut my hair short and dye it brown and change jobs, will he stil love me? Everyone worries about that. I don’t think he even knows what “the one” is all about. I think he has conceptualized some unrealistic version of “the one” that he never has to answer to because ever 2 years she will morph into a different person who accepts him wholeheartedly.

We all poop. And we all change. I think there’s a book out there on that. It sounds like his version of the perfect woman is himself. Not to mention the fact that EVERYONE is worried about marrying the wrong person. But at some point you weigh the positives and the negatives, you close your eyes, put all your fears behind you, and you leap and pray to God someone’s there to catch you. Every chance we take in life is a leap of faith. He will NEVER find himeslf in a woman’s body, a woman at his age that is wiling to wait the required 20 years for her to prove she “knows” him, a partner that is certifiably perect for him and will never hold him accountable for anything, or any opportunity in life that doesn’t come with an element of the unknown. He’s making EXCUSES. And poor ones at that.

The more you talk about this, the more the alarm bells in my head go off. You know your relationship better than anyone. And I know you’ll figure out what’s best for you. But we’re here for you, whatever you decide.

Post # 10
Member
185 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I agree – people are always changing so you can never know someone 100%. Does he expect the same from himself – for him to know you completely? Or is this a one sided thing? I’m sorry you’re going through this – but it sounds to me like he’s making excuses especially since he tells you he goes through metamorphosis every few years – but he needs someone to completely know him before marriage – that’s contradictory, no?

I think the wonderful thing about relationships is that people grow and change together and therefore, are constantly learning new things about each other – it makes the relationship interesting.

Post # 11
Member
3601 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 1992

@finnaroo: excellent point– he was unsure of himself often, but never unsure of me.

Post # 12
Member
2523 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I hate to say this, but I think it’s pretty clear this guy doesn’t want to get married…maybe never. His excuses are such crap. You can never understand someone completely 100%. You can know them extremely well and know their habits, but we just can’t know how others feel or think all of the time.

I would move on, Sweetie. 🙁

Post # 13
Member
185 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Oh and to bring some perspective from my relationship, our pre-engagement talks never went this way.  We’ve been together for 10 years (since highschool) and he’s never doubted us. Of course we’ve both changed since highschool (can you image if we didn’t?!!). We grew and changed together through school, through our jobs, through buying a house and living together – and we’re definitely going to grow and change through our engagement and marriage and having children.  We’re not engaged yet, (maybe it’s because of all this change, lol – I know it’s not), but I know he’s sure of us spending the rest of our life together and is excited about growing old together.

I know your relationship is different – but life is growth and change. I don’t think anyone stays the same. I think your SO needs to come to grips with that or he won’t ever be open to marriage.

Post # 14
Member
686 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Weddingbee ate my previous comment, but I feel like he’s setting the bar ridiculously high so the blame is on you for not meeting it.  

That of course has the added benefit of allowing him to live in a state of denial where he doesn’t have to come to grips with the fact that either (a) he’s intentionally stringing you along (b) he’s unintentionally doing so because he’s not mature enough to be open with you (c) he’s emotionally unavailable.

Good for you for raising a red flag on his behavior.

Post # 15
Member
284 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Ok, I feel totally oppsite from most people, but want to get out my feelings on the subject. (I am not trying to in any way say that what any of you are thinking or feeling about this subject is wrong, I just want to get my personal thoughts and feelings down, so you may get more insite to the oppsite thoughts and feelings)

I personally had no intentions to marry my guy after even 2-3 years. I just wanted to experiance him, and let him experiance me. We dated for about 5 years before we got engaged, and am glad that we did. Things were pretty rocky at the beginning, because he was a young guy and was a little on the wild irresponsible side (I am sure that I had my issues as well). Well, a year or so into the relationship things got a great deal better, and we grew with eachother. Pretty close to right before we got engaged things just started to click and there was this mutual feeling that we both knew eachother pretty well. It is an amazing feeling, we kinda feel like one unit (even though we have our differences and can go do different things at times). I do realize that we are both going to change over the years, but do have an overwhelming feeling that the changes are not going to be anything that would majorly supprise me. I am sure as we change we will still have the same strong bond.

Post # 16
Member
5096 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

@pinkhorse:

See, that seems healthy and reasonable to me. You were both on the same page, moving forward, living life together – not setting up standards that were both fuzzy and impossible to meet.  This seems like a very different situation.

 

The topic ‘Update: I can’t see this working out :(’ is closed to new replies.

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