- Mrs. Harmony
- 7 years ago
I spoke with my Boyfriend or Best Friend again about what I want in life, and whether or not he would be able to provide these things… before we both die of old age.
He is 37, never married, never engaged, never lived with a woman. His longest relationship before me was just under 2 years, with a long break in that relationship. We have been together 18 months and while I don’t need a proposal right now, I REALLY want to know if we are going in that direction or not.
He said he is a very slow mover in relationships. He said it takes him a very long time to be sure of someone, and if more people went at his pace, there would be fewer divorces. I said if everyone moved at his pace, women would need Botox injections for their first marriages!
He isn’t even sure I am “the one” yet, so I know a proposal is waaaaay off. He said in order for him to know that I am “the one”, I have to “know” him inside and out, and completely understand him. I do my absolute best to understand him, but of course it’s not 100%. It’s all a lifelong process. Plus, how do you even measure something like that? How do you measure knowledge?
I think I know him pretty well. I know about a lot of his inner demons, fears, etc. And he DEFINITELY knows a ton about me. I tell him a lot about myself and he has seen me experience joy, fear, sadness, anger, etc. We’ve laughed together, cried together, did holidays, traveled together, have sex… what else can I be doing? I feel like I am in the Lord of the Rings movies… searching for something that’s impossible.
So now I am in a place where I have to just observe him a lot, and then “understand” him all the time. I honestly have no idea how to do that. I thought this process took years, if not decades. Aren’t human beings always changing anyway? Do you ever really “know” someone? And even if I think I “know” him, do I then have to write up a dissertation about it? What if I am wrong? What if I observe something, and then assume it’s something else. Then I am wrong and back to square one.
It’s not like he really EXPLAINS himself perfectly. He’s not withholding of information, but he doesn’t sit me down and say, “Monica… I did this because of that. I feel this way because of that… are you taking notes?”
My boyfriend tells me that every few years, he goes through a metamorphosis. This is true. He used to play lots of music and took road trips, and now he prefers cooking at home and gardening. He’s also gone from a hippy-type to a corporate stock-trader. I get it. So he said this to me and I say, “great, that sounds interesting”. But he says he could change and I may not want him. How the F do I respond to something like that?
So then… what happens if I “know” him completely, then he changes? Does my timeclock start over? Again, none of this is measureable. If I tell him I know him, he says I don’t know him completely. He says his dad is the only person that truly understands him. He needs a woman to know and understand him completely before he will commit to her.
He also said his biggest fear is marrying the wrong person. He’s trying to minimize that risk as much as possible but this is really driving me away.
Yes, I want to marry him. He treats me better than I’ve ever been treated. I am crazy about him. But Christ, do pre-engagement conversations go this way? This just sounds bizzare.