(Closed) Update: I can’t see this working out :(

posted 10 years ago in Waiting
Post # 17
Member
686 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

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@pinkhorse:  I agree there’s always the what-if factor, but Harmony’s indicated she needs to know if this is headed in that direction, and she feels it isn’t.

I think it’s worth trying to engage him in an honest discussion, but it does seem time to weight what she wants vs. where he is right now in his life.

He may not always be like this, but whether and when he will change is a very unknown factor.  A maybe not one worth waiting on, depending on Harmony’s needs.

Post # 18
Member
4108 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

@Mrs. Harmony: I agree with most of the previous posters- I called BS after reading halfway through your post. It sounds like this guy just wants you to jump through hoops for him. So he COMPLETELY gets you, but not vice versa? That’s crap. Like someone mentioned above, people most of the time don’t even understand THEMSELVES completely.

It sounds narissistic to me- like he thinks he’s better or smarter than you, i.e. like you are so simple of a person that he can practically read your thoughts, yet YOU have to work your ass off to really “understand” him? Every human being is complex, including you. I’m sure he doesn’t know EVERYthing, give me a break. I would start throwing THAT in his face. That whole dynamic is frickin UNfair!! It’s like he’s the prize to be won, and MAYBE you’ll get him if you REALLY try. Healthy relationships don’t work like that- I think each person needs to feel lucky to have the other & be completely unselfish about it… 

Most people by 37 start to figure out what they really want, or at least what they want to work towards… and it doesn’t sound like that’s marriage for this guy. I’m sorry, I know this is not what you wanna hear, this post struck a chord with me I guessFrown

Post # 19
Member
4883 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Say what? Is this guy so arrogant and self-centered that he thinks you need to ‘work’ to earn his trust/companionship/proposal?  Ugh.  I’m glad to hear he treats you well but this stuff would not only drive me batshit crazy, it would also drive me away. 

Perhaps you are a stronger woman than I, but I’d head for the hills and find someone who wants to show you who he is, so that you can forge a bond that only gets stronger with time.  Someone who is actively engaged and involved in the partnership, not just a one-sided “you have to crack my hardened exterior to prove you deserve to get inside the secret fortress of my heart” kind of thing.  Ick.

I certainly wish you the best of luck.

Post # 20
Member
5109 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2011

Ya im gonna have to call BS.. I can honeslty say my pre engagement convorsations never went anything like that. You shouldnt be the only one trying to make your relationship either.. It sounds like he wants you to work for him and get to know him.. (he is basically stalling (sp) ) But does he not feel that he needs to do the same things.. Oh and I think that yes people change through time etc etc. but Idk about changing your entire personality and what you like and dont like etc.  I think hes a wack job.

Post # 21
Member
962 posts
Busy bee

Move on. You could go out to the bar and find a better guy by 10 pm tonight. Guarunteed.

Post # 22
Member
3456 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

What happened to there being a little bit of mystery?

What everyone else said.  Plus: Does he have any friends who are in successful committed relationships?  I don’t think he’d react well to a suggestion to go to therapy to work out his unrealistic expectations of marriage, but maybe you can talk to one of his (preferably male) friends and tell them what he said, and get him to have a conversation.  You have to do so in a sensitive manner so he doesn’t see you as trying to go behind his back, but maybe bring it up when say, you are out with this fabulous other couple as a foursome, in the way of “the Mr. and I were having an interesting conversation about X.  For you, was there anything you felt that you needed to know or have happen before you got engaged?  Did your ideas on marriage ever change?”  Ok, those questions aren’t worded well, but basically get them to share their experiences then have a dialogue on it and maybe he’ll see his ideas are…not the usual, unrealistic, and one sided.

Post # 23
Member
293 posts
Helper bee

Hm. I’m reading his comment less like he’s setting a task for you to perform, and more than his feeling of being unsure that you’re the one stems from a sense that he’s not sure you really do understand him at this point. “Understanding” the person you’re with is not a task that you can accomplish by trying harder, but something that comes naturally over time, sometimes a very long time. Or sometimes, doesn’t come at all if the two people are not compatible.

He my be b.s,ing you, but at that same time I could see a valid scenario for saying these things. Don’t know which it is in your case but just wanted to throw that out there.

Post # 24
Member
5920 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

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@mightywombat: 100% agree with you.  He is giving you excuses for why he will never propose, never want to get married, never really settle down.  That way when it comes to a head, he doesn’t feel the bad guy because he pretty much warned you.

Post # 25
Member
2271 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

Honey I waited TWENTY years for my ex (spit) to comes to terms and making the big commitment. It never happened. I am not trying to discourage you but rather save you some valuable time. Then after my daughter and only child died and I became depressed and apparently did not give him enough attention, he promptly dumped me for a bar skank and I hear they are now in a perfectly miserable relationship together, Whatever.

 

Only YOU know how long you are willing to wait. But I can assure you, he is not the only one out there for you. After I finally came to grips that it was over with my ex, I forced myself to start interacting with people again and met my husband.

Post # 26
Member
600 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2006

This guy has a gigantic wall up and he will not be letting it down anytime soon, if ever.  I don’t think he’ll ever be ready for marriage and he’s telling you this loud and clear.  He’s making it 100% impossible to be ready for marriage because it is 100% impossible to know someone inside and out.  The only person who can know ourselves 100% is ourselves, no other person can know you like you.

And what about you?!  Why does he not need to know you inside and out?  He seems pretty self-centered that you need to know him but he says nothing – absolutely nothing – about making an effort to know you.

I’m sorry, but I say run while you still can.  Run before you’ve invested anymore time into this guy.  I’m sure he IS a good person, I have no doubt.  But being a good person does NOT make someone a good husband.

Post # 27
Member
706 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@Mrs. Harmony: This probably isn’t what you want to hear, but it sounds to me like he’s basically saying that marriage is not for him. I’m going to disagree with the others here in that I think him recognizing that in himself (and especially *being honest about it*) is a sign of maturity, of sorts. But it sounds like that is not what you’re looking for. This may fall under “irreconcilable differences,” if you ask me. 

Post # 28
Member
706 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

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@LaurenK0105: Good point about him making this sound like a very one-sided challenge (“Get to know me beyond a shadow of a doubt and I’ll marry you!”), rather than what (IMO) a mature relationship should be, in which two adults find someone that they would like to grow and change with, together. 

Honestly, it seems like you’ve taken as a challenge what is, to an outsider, a point-blank refusal to get married. He must know that what he’s looking for is impossible. I say, find someone who deserves your ambition and continue feeding your desire to be challenged with marathons, triathalons, and education. Relationships shouldn’t be viewed as “games” in which you have to meet a challenge in order to win the “prize” of marriage.

Post # 29
Member
5920 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

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@mckernae: Perfectly said.

Post # 30
Member
3788 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

OK so I think the previous posters have made it clear that this sounds like excuses. Whether consciously or not, he is setting a bar so impossibly high that he’ll never have to acknowledge that you’ve made it. It sounds like his way of getting out of committing. Particularly the part where he says “what if I change and then you won’t want me” makes me think this not committing till you know him completely is an excuse. I think it’s fear as much as anything.

But. That’s been said before and said better by the posters above me.

What I particularly want to focus on is your reply a little ways down —

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@Mrs. Harmony:.

You can’t see yourself doing it. Forget about him and his issues for a minute. Are you fulfilled in the relationship? You say you know he loves you and he treats you well, but do want to be on a lifelong quest for someone else’s self-discovery? You already don’t see yourself wanting to do it; are you going to be able to keep it up perpetually? If you marry him, that’s what you’re signing up for. You already don’t sound like that’s what you want; the title of this post speaks volumes. I think sometimes we ignore our own side of it — we know we want to get married, so if we can figure him out, it would make sense to do so. But what if you are so worried about figuring him out (which he is making sure you worry about) that you’re ignoring your own signals that maybe he’s not right for you? He can be a perfectly wonderful person and partner and still not be right for you, and that’s OK. Obviously, I don’t know you or him and it’s not my place to say how your relationship is or will be, but it just seems like such a red flag that you yourself feel that way, and I hope you don’t brush it aside too quickly as you focus on his puzzle. Good luck!

Post # 31
Member
82 posts
Worker bee

A man of his age who does not know who he, himself is, can’t possibly know what he wants in a partner. Sorry – it’s not easy, but his words are the truth basically, he doesn’t know what he wants and really it has nothing to do with you ! He sounds like he’d rather be a loaner to change his ways and not have to worry about anyone being approving etc., he will probably be a very lonely old man some day. Change and growth are great, but if he sits there talking about how he “evolves” himself every so often, it doesn’t sound like he’s looking to bring you into his own little world he seems to be living in. 

Bottom line is that the truth is better than the lies and being strung along. So take it at face value and start getting yourself together to walk. I think in the long run you will be happy you did. 

The topic ‘Update: I can’t see this working out :(’ is closed to new replies.

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