(Closed) Update: I decided to leave

posted 10 years ago in Waiting
Post # 17
2161 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

It really will be hard at first.   You’re hurt that you feel rejected (you didn’t give you want you deserved) and you’re in the habit of having him around.

When my relationship ended, the book I read said that the first 100 days are the hardest.  You are licking your wounds and making new routines during that time.    I patient with yourself and let yourself feel whatever you need to feel.   Acknowledge those feelings and then deal with them from there.

Take it day by day.   Keep your goal in sight.  You’ll be happier in the end.

Post # 18
1870 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

I think that if you go back to your previous posts and reread them with a clearer head, you’ll realize how much this guy had you freaking out and chasing your tail and jumping through hoops. And I’m here to tell you that the right guy for you won’t make you do all that. I was crazy in love with someone once who had me doing the exact same stuff that you appear to be doing and, while the breakup was really hard, with every day that went by, I started to realize: relationships take work; they should not be that hard. It has nothing to do with you “not being good enough”; it’s just probably not a great match, that’s all. 

And EVERYONE has the same feelings that you do regarding him finding another person. For this reason, I know that he says that he wants to remain friends, and it’s fine if you do too, but I wouldn’t do that until you get to a place where you can embrace any new relationships that he has in his life, and vice versa. Otherwise, that’s a recipe for unnecessary drama. But I will tell you, again, from experience, that when I found out that the Mr. from above was engaged, it stung–a lot (think Meg Ryan in “When Harry Met Sally” in the scene just before they sleep together). BUT in the end, that was all it was–a bee sting–I cried for an hour, felt crummy overnight, and woke up ready to accept it. In fact, it pushed me into giving him up completely and I was okay with it. In other words, just know that the anicipation of it happening will be worse than it actually happening. And trust me, he’s not thinking of jumping into anything with someone else right now, anyway. 

The last thing to remember is that there are tons of guys out there. Really. I know it seems like everyone else has gotten hitched and no one’s single anymore, but you are not the last single lady on earth. And there’s a man out there who will love you completely–NOT make you feel like you have to constantly push to move the relationship forward. He’s out there.

Post # 19
3521 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

I am so glad you did what’s best for you–and you’re right, your dignity is SO much more important than a man who gets upset when you respectfully express your needs (huge red flag there). It’s great that you’ve identified an unhealthy pattern in choosing men, too.

Personal story: I was in a very unhappy and abusive relationship with a guy who would get so mad when I’d try to tell him what I needed in the relationship, and I finally left. Four months later, I met my husband, who’s a completely different guy than my ex. You are a strong woman and I have no doubt that you will find someone who is perfect for you. Now you’re free to find Mr. Just Right. ๐Ÿ™‚ Big hugs–stay strong.

Post # 20
5091 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2012

I’m so happy to hear this.  The next few weeks/months are going to be scary and hard, but stick to your guns.  You did what was right.  He was obviously an idiot for not seeing how valuable you are.  Everything he said about how he gets annoyed when you try to ask about the future or you try to deepen your personal intimacy are just huge warning bells for me.  He obviously isn’t the type to commit – or, at least, not the type to commit with you – which means he isn’t worthy of you.  You’ve rediscovered your own personal worth, so remember that as you deal with this heartbreak, and remember it in the future, too, as you finally start to go out and date again.  You only want to date someone who knows your value and is accepting of that.

I know you said you wouldn’t mind being friends, but in my experience, even if you end things fairly amicably, it’s hard to be friends again right away.  It takes time for you to forget your old, familiar patterns and feelings.  I would recommend that you say you want to be friends, but first, you need some time.  It gives you a chance to get past your romantic feelings for him, to accept that he’ll start dating (and maybe settle down with) someone someday, and to realize all his flaws that made him not The One for you.  If you start trying to hang out again without having time to do all that, things could get ugly.

Post # 21
347 posts
Helper bee

Wow.  I am incredibly proud of you and I think in the long run you will really be thankful you were strong and did this.  Please don’t think that b/c you are 31, people will think this or that.  I’m 36 and have tons of friends who are either divorced or never married still, and dating and trying to find the one.  I have other friends who didn’t marry until their late 30’s or early 40’s and they are very happy, even though it took them longer than they wanted.

Think of your son and how you deserve to have your husband/his future step-dad be the kind of dad that adds to the family, not takes things away from it and stresses you out.  As a parent of a special needs child, that is already a big task to handle and you deserve a partner who is there to help and love you both.

You don’t need the sh*t this guy has given you!  It’s a good thing that you noticed that maybe you are attracted to a certain type that ends up not in the way you want.  My best friend is like that. She’s a great person that any guy would be lucky to have but her ex husband was terrible and her current boyfriend/fiance is worse and she’s miserable but feels like she can’t leave (that’s another story).  He doesn’t add to the family and only causes stress to her and her kids.  They are in therapy b/c of the initial divorce but also b/c what they experience at home.  It’s really sad.  I’m just happy to hear that you were strong to leave.  And while you are in your 30’s, you are only 31!!  That is YOUNG! 

Best of luck to you.  This really was meant to be, even if you are hurting right now.  ๐Ÿ™


Post # 22
838 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Wow,you seem to be mega confident in your decision and Im so proud of you!!!!!!Remember we are ALL behind you cheering you on girl!and in regards to the idea of going out with your girls and people thinking that you havnt been “chosen”-load of rubbish!!!!!Its noth that you havnt been “chosen” or “picked” your out having fun purely because your yet to meet someone who is good enough for YOU.(no one so far has managed to treat you how you deserve,which is like an equal)Godd luck,keep your head held high and stay proud of your decision!!!!!


Post # 23
1267 posts
Bumble bee

Good for you.  I’m pretty much exactly like you ex boyfriend – I like to live in the moment, love without expectations and dont’ want a house, a kid, to live in the same town and raise a family and all that stuff.  I want to move around to different states and different countries and experience this whole world and all it has to offer!  Luckily, I’ve found someone that feels exactly the same way and we’ve gone on our perfect adventure for almost 8 years now!

My point is, you need someone that WANTS all of those things that you want.  But for your own sanity (and his, I guess but you first :P) and for the peace of your own soul, make sure that the next guy that comes into your life wants those same things before you get serious.  I know for sure that you’ll find the perfect man for you!  Congrats on taking a step in the right direction in finding him ๐Ÿ™‚

ETA: I’m 36 and happy as could be, so don’t think age has anything to do with your happiness in love!

Post # 24
7298 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@wife_bris: I know you made the best choice for you. I felt like you when I broke up with my ex. I was 26 with a three year old daughter. I thought that when I left him that that was it. Who would want a single mother? I thought about calling him and forgiving him, but then I thought about the actual relationship. 
He thought he was perfect. Nothing was ever his fault and if I expressed how I felt, he would suggest I needed medication because my feelings weren’t valid because he was doing nothing wrong. I took this for a year and finally convinced myself I was the problem. My doctor put me on Lexapro. Things were okay for a month. It was probbaly because the Lexapro was going through my system and all I wanted to do was sleep and chill. But after that it was still the same bs. Why plan for the future when we could die in an accident tomorrow. Why even talk about a wedding when we could die in a violent shooting at the grocery store? Ugh. 
Us breaking up was the best thing for me. It hurt like hell for about 3 months. I would think about sending him emails or calling him or going to his house in the middle of the night thinking that if we just locked eyes everything would be okay. 

Anyway, it’s going to be tough at first, but look yourself in the mirror everyday and tell yourself that you deserve more. You deserve to be desired. You deserve only the best man for you. **hugs* 

Post # 25
2467 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

good for you for figuring out what you want and need, and for acting on it! it sounds like you made the right decision for you and are going to be much better off for it. it’s hard to keep sight of when feeling insecure, but the very most important thing is to take care of yourself, and be kind to yourself. you’re worth so much more than he seems to have shown you.

speaking of which, “He said I should have been more perceptive and not have to ask questions to get to know him.  He believes by observing his behavior, I would “know” him and know what he needs to be happy, and that’s what true love is.”— that sounds like he’s full of crap, to be completely honest. clear, open communication is the fricking foundation of a relationship! sounds like he wanted YOU to do all the work of figuring him out and he’d just free-load off your efforts. not cool!

Post # 26
2765 posts
Sugar bee

I’m proud of you for being so strong!!

Post # 27
129 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

@wife_bris: You have made a very brave and very empowering decision. Just remember, no matter how old/young you are, marriage or a relationship with the wrong man is 100x worse than being alone. I have several 31-33 year old friends who are single and trying to find the right guy. You’re no anomaly. 

As for your fear he will find a woman that he will agree to marry – well he might. He may find a woman perfect for him that takes his sh*t and asks for a second helping but that’s not you! Just know that if you do hear that this has happened, instead of feeling jealous or that it is any reflection on you, you should feel very sad for that poor woman who is ok with that level of emotional detachment.

I know you wanna call and say “WTF is wrong with you? I’m awesome!” But he won’t get it. He has the emotional range of a thumbtack. Don’t think about him, think about how empowered you feel. I bet this is the first time in a long time that you are doing something so positive for just yourself. Focus on that!

Post # 28
241 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2009

@wife_bris: “He said he could die tomorrow in an accident, he could develop cancer, and what is the point of planning anything if there’s no way to guarantee it?  His answer is just so crazy I decided not to argue any further.”

You know what?  What if tomorrow you meet your soulmate? 

Post # 29
1893 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Oh thank god.  I  know some of my posts were harsh, but it was increadibly frustrating to see this….child….continue to emotionally manipulate you like that.  His “arguments” to you were totally absurd.  He clearly thinks you’re an idiot if he actually believes you’d continue to fall for them.

Good for you.  Move on with your head held high, girl.  You and your son deserve so much better. 

Post # 30
5089 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Congratulations for seeing that you deserve someone who doesn’t jerk you around!  “What if I’m in an accident tomorrow” – that’s the argument of an emotional twelve year old.

Post # 31
1166 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

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@ja7975: What you said.

View original reply
@wife_bris: I haven’t read the back-story, but I don’t think I need to. I just have a few things to say/share with you:

1. Good for you! How insightful and courageous of you to take this very difficult step. I’m sure you felt empowered right afterward, and you should *continue* to feel that way. When you have those moments of doubt, remember that feeling. Remember why you did it and know that it was the right thing.

2. As other PPs have said, I strongly encourage you to break all ties, at least in the short run. (Personally, I would make it permanent, but that’s me – I believe in ripping off the bandaid.) His desire to “stay friends” is suspicious to me; he is likely to try to entice you right back to where you were before. It may sound silly when you are feeling empowered and confident in your decision, but we all have moments of weakness after a breakup. Be sure you are 100% impervious before engaging in “friendship.” Ask yourself: Do I really need this friendship? What would I get out of it? Make sure it’s not because you want to avoid or minimize the pain of the breakup. That’s not a good reason, and it’s dangerous.

3. Yep, he very well may meet someone else. You should expect that to happen. If and when it does, repeat after me: “Thank GOD it wasn’t me!” Seriously, don’t lose sight of why you made this decision, and always remember, it was YOUR decision. Not his. You ended it because he is not the right guy for you, so *stop* worrying about why you are not the right girl for him. It’s not a reflection of your worth!!

4. You are YOUNG. Enjoy your 30s, focus on yourself and have fun. I was single through all of my 20s and 30s, and half of my 40s. I sometimes wondered why, but I also knew that I was choosing all the wrong men. So on some level, I wanted to be single. That’s what some women do when we are not ready for an honest, intimate, committed relationship – we choose “unavailable” men. Finally, when I *was* ready, I met the right one when I wasn’t even looking. I was 44. Married for the first time at 47. SO glad I waited for the right guy. Remember – you can’t meet the right one as long as you are wasting time with the wrong one!!!!

Congratulations, and best wishes to you! The “beehood” is on your side. ๐Ÿ™‚

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