- 5 years ago
So last week I was feeling BEYOND hopeless in the waiting process and asked to be removed from the waiting list. I still stand by this decision, but thought I would give everyone an update. (Please note that I understand some of the opinions in this post will not agree with some of you, and I would appreciate if people would refrain from insinuating that I should leave him because of his opinions)
Okay – so on Friday night I pretty much snapped. (Younger cousins of SO posting pictures of “I can’t wait to marry you” text messages, a Bridal Shower for a coworker at work, wedding pictures of our 20 year old intern who got married a few months ago, AND a call from a jewelry store, that my Best Friend and I looked at sparklies, to remind me of the jewelry repair expo this weekend… And you guessed it! Crazy Sleeping Beauty!!)
The conversation started out nicely and I tried my best to stay neutral, because if I was going to get any answers, I would need to remain calm. The questions that were burning me up where the basic: Where do you see us in 5 years? What are your goals in life? How do you plan to reach these goals? If the act of getting married is unimportant to you, why do you consistently insist on us getting married before having children? Better yet, why do you insist on being married awhile before having children? – Things like this. I’ll spare you all some of the more brutal honest answers he gave me…
Long story short – SO is VERY unhappy with his job right now, which is kind of a big deal considering his amazing ability to shut off “work” the second he leaves and comes homes. So this is priority NUMERO UNO! He never talks about his job, whether something amazing happened, or something awful. So, if I get a response of anything other than “fine”, apparently I shouldn’t be taking it lightly. I was unaware of just how unhappy he has been so our talk really brought this to light. The frustrating part is that what I got out of the talk was that getting a new job, or some kind of change, is a priority for him, and without this, we will not be moving forward because of money, or whatever. Even more frustrating is that SO refuses to start going to school to get a degree unless he knows that it will 100% be what he is going to get a job in. Even more frustrating still are the credentials he would like for his new job, and needless to say it was really hard for me to not just combust on the spot out of shear frustration. (He doesn’t have a degree, and isn’t working on one, has only been a meat cutter, and would like to switch to a job that would have him home on weekends, with similar pay – he gets paid pretty well! – entry level, with room to grow. So, basically, the same thing everyone else on this planet is looking for!!)
Anywho – after our chat I was feeling pretty eaten up and convinced a proposal and happy wedding day were NEVER going to happen, so I went upstairs to sulk in peace. I found some movie to watch to help take my mind off of the unicorn I just watched get murdered, and was feeling relatively calm. Until SO can upstairs and made me talk about it. So, I let it out. I let out the crazy, ugly cry. This isn’t the first time he’s seen it, and he has always been supportive, no matter what it is I’m being hysterical about. I let out all of my irrational fears of him never proposing, us never having a happy wedding, how I would’ve never moved in with him had I honestly knew how little he cared about a wedding, and how we had basically already doomed our marriage because “one of us doesn’t even care”, and how I feel like a courthouse wedding would be the biggest cop-out and I would much prefer a beach wedding. I was the girl crying about a wedding – not a marriage. He reminded me that all he wants is to make me happy, and that our wedding day will be happy. To see me happy will make him happy. He let me cry, and told me that while I’m trying to let go of my wedding dream for him, he is trying to have the wedding dream for me. AND, most importantly, he didn’t once belittle me about my feelings or my crazies.
So – not a huge change, but I did get to get some nice waiting uglies out, WITH the support of my SO, and not feel like he’s going to turn around and propose tomorrow out of guilt. He will still only do it when he’s ready, and not a moment sooner because I’m throwing a fit (which makes me feel better because a guilt proposal would be the worst). And we are both going to actively work on finding him a new job that will make him happier, because a happy SO, could mean a very happy Sleeping Beauty 🙂