(Closed) UPDATE: Inequal Finances – Selfish or Jusified

posted 7 years ago in Money
Post # 3
Member
11325 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

@dragonlover: So the outcome of your conversation was basically that he told you that you should not worry so much and should spend more money? That doesn’t really seem like a positive step in my direction. 

In my opinion, there are kind of two ways to look at this. On one hand, you do make much more than him and you have almost no bills because you live at home. Obviously you have more money and if you’re saying things like you feel like you’re deserving of going out to dinner because you work hard— well then you ARE prob going to have to pay for it because he can’t afford it. And, it is also your choice to save as much as you are. Its awesome that you choose to do that, but you CHOOSE to do it. You could have a smaller/cheaper wedding (or no wedding at all). You could put off buying a home. You are choosing to save as much as you are and that means sacrificing other things– so you kind of need to accept that. 

On the other hand, the impulse buying, not being willing to keep food around his place, and him suggesting you go out for food is annoying. If he manages to feed himself during the week, I don’t see why he can’t manage to feed you on weekends (from the grocery store). I would maybe request/demand that he alternate weekends with you. On his weekends he can choose to cook for you or take you out (prob cook because that is cheaper) and on alternate weekends you could go get groceries to cook at home or go out if you want to do that. He should be working with you here so you’re not playing the mommy role here taking care of all his needs while he does nothing for you. And refusing to give you more info about his job search is just childish. 

Basically, the three main things here are 1) his job (you two need to agree on whether or not he really needs a new one, and if he does he should be open with you about the process) 2) yours and his spending habits (you should agree on how much you’re each “splurging” each month) and 3) what types of events (eating out, going to the city) you really value enough to pay for. 

Post # 4
Member
412 posts
Helper bee

I might have read the undertones differently, but I got the sense that her Fiance wants her to feel less pressured to spend money on him/them, and to spend her money how she truly wants to: partially on dates, partially just on herself, and then to not feel guilty about it. While it doesn’t resolve all of the issues I think should be ironed out before getting married (ie. getting on the same page re: finances), I definitely think it’s a step in the right direction, and should clear out any building resentment. Plus, with this conversation behind them, he’ll probably be more sensitive to her suggesting a night in/suggest nights out less. Good job dragonlover 🙂 Agree with corgitales though that there need to be more discussions about what your financial habits and goals are going to be once you’re married.

Post # 5
Member
5993 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

we went out for dinner followed by The Muppet movie on Friday

who paid? yes of course you should be able to spend your money on yourself when you want to but it seems his spending habits (and you paying for almost everything) isnt going to change

i said in your other thread, i have been where you are – it wont change unless you demand a change and if you dont the resentment/frustration will grow – goodluck

Post # 6
Member
14481 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

@CorgiTales: I agree.

I’m not sure I would have been too happy with the outcome of the conversation.  He’s basically telling you not to worry, which is his take on finances, to just not worry about it.  It hasnt gotten to the root of your original problem which is that he is careless about his finances.  On the flip side, maybe you *are* putting a little too much pressure on yourself.  Have you dont number crunching on the wedding and house and determined exactly how much you need?

The topic ‘UPDATE: Inequal Finances – Selfish or Jusified’ is closed to new replies.

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