- 9 years ago
- Wedding: September 2009
UPDATE: Hive, thank you so much for your unending support. You don’t know how much it means to be able to read your emails and the words of advice and support. I am definitely going to print everything out b/c I might need to refer to your words as I work my way through this situation.
After 2 days of this insanity I am starting to feel a little better and my head is starting to clear. It will take a while for my heart to heal, but I know that things will get better. I also want to thank you all for being brutally honest about your life experiences – I will hang onto those examples when I can’t sleep at night and I will know that if you got through it, so can I. My sister gave me a mantra yesterday and I repeat it everytime I think of how he left me to be with her, or that he promised me the same things that he told her – It is not my fault and I did nothing to deserve it (courtesy of a guest on Oprah) : )
Today was a good day. I thought I would share some of the things that I did in hopes that if anyone else is going through this same thing, they will know that there is hope:
1) START THE DAY. I set my alarm clock for 8:30/9:00 and made a conscious decision to get out of the house and stop watching so much tv because while watching tv my mind still turns to him.
2) BE SMART. I opened a safety deposit box for the ring and the emails from him to her so that I would not obsess over them in the wee hours of the morning (thanks Teri for that advice – it was a lifesaver). Plus, at the low, low cost of $36 per year, I am convinced that every girl needs one. (The girl who helped asked me how I was and when I started to cry she was so supportive. Apparently, she divorced a man who cheated on her and had a child outside of their marriage. Now, she is very happy, in love, engaged, and pregnant. She also gave me a discount on the larger box so that I could fit all types of things I don’t want to look at right now.)
3) SALE SOMETHING. I put my house on the market as a reminder to myself that I can move on and that I don’t have to stay with anyone (or in any environment) that is unhealthy. Will I sale it? Who knows, but it makes me feel good to know that I can. Plus, if he does a drive-by (and we have all done them after a break-up) he will know that I mean business – its over.
4) SEPARATE YOUR STUFF. My friend and I packed up all his s***. At first I was going to do it alone, but it was actually fun when someone else helped. Plus, it made the load easier to carry – literally. If you don’t want to call anyone you know – private message me, I live in the TN / GA area and I will help.
5) EAT. I ate some eggs, which is the first bit of solid food in a few days (skittles don’t count). On the bright side, maybe I will lose a few pounds from all of this!
6) FIX SOMETHING. In preparation for the house sale I did a lot of home improvement projects that I put off for the past year. It feels great to check things off the to-do list!
7) LOOK TO THE FUTURE. I bought a new calendar (well, actually I already had a family photo calendar made for Christmas and will just block out his photo) and scratched out May 1st as our wedding day, and put down “girl’s day of celebration” and July 4 as “my Independence Day” b/c that is the day he proposed in ’08.
8) BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF. I told myself that the reason he had not contacted me is because he is a coward. I also told myself to stop waiting for an explanation because there never will be an explanation for treating someone the way that he treated me. And, if anyone tried to tell me that “they believe he really loves me, but he messed up,” I stopped them b/c I don’t need to hear it right now (sorry guys, but some things just make me sad). I also thought long and hard about the questions my friend posed such as “do you want to take him back” or “do you want to try to work it out with him?” The answer is no, but I appreciate her asking anyway and for telling me it was okay to say yes (thanks Tri). I let myself think of the worst case scenario because these days you just never know: she has his kid, forgives him, and they get married because they are in love and want to work it out (besides, if I don’t think about it and it happens, I might feel devastated all over again).
9) BE HONEST WITH OTHERS. I told the truth. I cried when I wanted even if I was in public. I have always prided myself on being very strong and for the first time, I stopped. If someone asked about him, I told them I broke off the relationship. If they asked why, and I felt comfortable, I told them the honest to goodness truth. If not, I just said that he was unfaithful. It felt good to get it out and not have to stick to a party line like “oh, it just didn’t work out.”
10) GET THE FOCUS OFF YOURSELF. I stopped wallowing in my sorrow in order to support a friend when she told me that her 27 year old brother is HIV positive, and I thanked God that my “problems” seemed so small.
11) DREAM AGAIN. Finally, I dreamt about all the things we planned to do together (I couldn’t help it) and I contemplated whether they were my dreams, or his dreams disguised as mine. My dreams are to travel abroad, learn a language, be an artist, dance (even if it is in a ballroom class), teach women about money and being independent (funny ha), and move to a city like NY b/c I can tell my kids about the fun their mom had when she was young and single and free. No regrets.
Thanks again . . .