- 5 years ago
I wanted to post a brief update regarding my inability to get to work on time.
But first: I was only a couple of minutes late Monday and Tuesday, and I was five minutes early today!!!!!!!!!!!!
For background, I posted this last week: http://bit.ly/1kcFibK
Also, a couple of tidbits: I do not have anyone depending on me to arrive at work so they can leave. I am sure I would have figured something out by now if that were the case, or I would have been fired. I am not typically late for other things. I arrive on time to meet people for dinner or drinks, and I am NEVER late for meetings or doctor appointments. There is just something about morning (and work). I do love my job, though it is starting to become unchallenging. That could be a part of it, but it certainly is not the root of the problem.
Also, if you think this or depression is something you can just snap out of, I would ask that you read some accounts of depression and be open to a more compassionate perspective. There is nothing more damaging than hearing someone say to “just get over it” or “just get out of bed.” Truly. There will be people in your life that will need your support and empathy at some time or another. Be prepared to offer it.
Now. On to the new stuff!
First, thank you for your kindess and suggestions. And for those few who chose to be rather harsh, though I would encourage you to think twice before commenting meanly on someone’s post that they have already shared is painful and are clearly asking for help, the reminder that my actions really do effect other people was needed. So, thanks, but try to be a bit more kind next time.
I spent the weekend doing some (difficult) introspection and am committed to getting to the root of this problem in therapy. I’ve come to recognize that I imagine my tardiness does not upset people very often, but that is only because I chose not to see or understand their frutstration, and eventually, their anger. It is a jagged little pill to swallow, but it is one of my own making.
I do not care if this seems like a stupid accomplishment or something I should just be doing without fanfare. It is a big damn accomplishment for me and I am going to smile about it. 😉
Things I’ve done:
- Started keeping a time journal. I timed my commute home to work last night and realized I need to give myself 10 more minutes to comfortably arrive at work on time.
- Changed my alarm message to say: “Postive actions or negative consequences.” That phrase jolts the shit out of me in the morning.
- I set an alarm for five minutes before I have to leave the house that says “Stop what you are doing and leave the house.”
- If I am on time to work for 5 consecutive days I am buying myself a new lipstick.
- Once I am on time for four consecutive weeks I am going to finally buy myself a pair of black leather boots.
- I am doing some daily exercises that my therapist and I have come up with. I will share more as time goes on.
I have my performance review today and I know that this will come up. I want to be forthright and honest about the situation. I’ve said sorry so many times, promised to work on it so many times, that I don’t even want to say those words and they are utterly hollow of meaning at this point. Truly, the only way I can show my sincere regrets is to show up on time from now on.
Do I say all this? How would you word this/approach this? I am done tricking myself that my actions do not have consequences, and I want to meet this situation with as much dignity as I can.
Thanks again, you all.