(Closed) UPDATE – Male fertility issues – ready to walk away from this marriage

posted 8 years ago in TTC
Post # 137
Member
7550 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

@NovaRising:  Well it certainly comes across as the big reason, based on this post mainly, and his behaviour seems to be coming from the fertility/children discussion largely. Which is certainly how I perceive it, and others may too. I know based on her other post his behaviour is aborrent, and she is justified in leaving. Just the main issue to me seems to be the children thing. Which is a dealbreaker for many people.

Post # 138
Member
2835 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

@goingtotherooftopoflove:  I hate women who tear other women to pieces without bothering to read or understand the full story.

+1000

 

Post # 139
Member
2835 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

@Jacqui90:  Did you read her first post?   This one is the update and I think it gives a lot of insight.

Post # 140
Member
7550 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

@NovaRising:  Yeah I did, although a while ago, so had forgotten a large part of it. I agree she is justified in leaving based on his behaviour towards her. But in her original post she said they watched an IVF video and after that he said ‘we are not doing that’. I think that was an understandable reaction on his part, the ‘we’ shouldn’t do that if one of them doesn’t feel comfortable with it. But as for the rest, him not listening to her, his opinion being the only one that matters, etc, she definitely should leave him, unless he is willing to work on the relationship as well, not just expect her to do everything!

Post # 141
Member
6375 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

Let’s compare OP’s situation to a very different but comparable one. My mother has mental health problems. Not only that, but she has always refused to see that she has a problem. She quits her medication, has a breakdown, accuses those around her of criminal offences, and can be violent. To this day, she will not acept that she has a mental health problem. She refuses to listen to the pleas of her family and lashes out at them. I am angry with her to this day.

I am not angry with her because she is sick, which she cannot help. I am angry with her because she does not care enough about those around her to manage her condition and make life bearable for them. I am angry that she is in denial despite the evidence surrounding her. I am angry that she refuses to listen or communicate with others, instead blaming them for her woes. I am angry that she will not accept that anything is ever her fault.

Likewise, OP is not angry at her husband because he has a medical condition. She is angry because he refuses to engage with her, consider her feelings, enter counselling, or make any sort of decision with her. It is his way or the highway, and that is selfish.

But hey… anyone who wants to have a go at her for that may as well lay into me and call me selfish for resenting my mother, because I see parallels.

Post # 142
Member
1051 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

@Jacqui90:  yet what I find interesting is women leave men they say they love because the man won’t marry them and everyone seems to support that. Yet leaving for this reason seems to have people up in arms about it. Different people have different deal 

Breakers and you shouldn’t judge them. 

Post # 143
Member
2835 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

@Jacqui90:  Her background story also showcased that she is a rape suvivor.  She stated her rapist gave her an STD so he knew from the beginning having children would be difficult and this is why they agreed before the marriage on IVF.  She also said they were financially stable and could afford it.  Here lies the deception to me.  I agree she should not force him to do it if he’s not comfortable with it but who agrees to something for ten years without researching it?

Either way I agree he’s in pain right now and he’s not thinking this through.  I think counseling is about him working through his issues that the problem is physically “him”.  I think he was so sure it was her, hence his one year before getting a SA that he never gave it a second thought.  He also needs to have a third party show him how she feels because clearly he’s not considering her feelings or the plans they have made while they built their life together.

Post # 145
Member
3014 posts
Sugar bee

Dear Jaylinjo,

What you’ve written makes perfect sense.

The problem on the site is that we have incomplete knowledge (even though you are perfectly clear about things), and we tend to want to advise from our own experience (which simply isn’t the same as your experience), and when we see a particular word or phrase (children,IVF, etc.) we instantly react to it rather than ‘listening’ to what you are really saying.  I am no exception.  My apologies.

I wish you the very best at this difficult time.   I hope that everything is resolved in the best possible way.  I wish you good luck in terms of having a child.

Thinking of you, 

Supersleuth

 

Post # 146
Member
7550 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

@NovaRising:  Yes agree. I feel sorry for both of them, I just think 3 days is awfully quick to decide to leave a marriage after an appointment like that. But I have said my bit, now I bow out.

ETA: I have already said I think she is justified in leaving, based on his refusal to work on the marriage, compromise and discuss options. Based on fertility issues I don’t think she is justified, marriage means more than that. But he needs to realize that treating her like a child is NOT ok, and that he will lose her unless he does something about it. 

Post # 147
Member
460 posts
Helper bee

@jaylinjo:  Sending positive vibes your way and wishing you the best!
Do what’s right for you! You deserve to be treated as a equal & deserve to be happy!
Hope you have some love and support around you, like from your sister and brother in law.

Post # 148
Member
139 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@MrsPanda99:  

I find it a bit strange that it is okay for people to give advice for the OP to leave her husband and basically confirm all the OPs thoughts and help end a marriage yet when you disagree you get slammed with comments for not agreeing with their view.  As you say it is a public forum and you have every right to contribute and respond.

Applying this to my own personal situation, I could not leave my partner for not giving me children.  Yes I do want children someday but if it isnt mean to be I won’t walk out on my husband because of it.

Post # 149
Member
2246 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

@Emjai101:  And since it is a public forum, people are also free to disagree with the views that one presents which disagrees with the original post.

I actually feel the same as you but in the OP’s case, the issue of the children is not the only issue in her marriage. If you read her previous posts in this thread and in the others she has created in the past, there are plenty of other problems and this seems like the straw that broke the camel’s back, and it seems to be made worse by the fact that her husband refuses to go to counselling to help them work through their problems. 

OP, I’m not going to give you any advice as I cannot emphatize with your situation but I do wish you all the best and I hope you do what is right for you and are able to move part through this difficult period in your life.

Post # 150
Member
410 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Just chiming in to show the OP some support. Your courage and resolve is truly admirable. While this is obviously a difficult time in your life, know that there are better days ahead whichever way this turns out. Stay strong!

Ignore the people commenting who clearly didn’t read your story or are too preoccupied with their own agendas to answer compassionately. You are absolutely doing the right thing.

Post # 151
Member
274 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Actually all I have been able to think about for the last day is “what if i was infertile and unable to come to terms with usuing another womans eggs with my husbands sperm to make a baby so my husband left me?” 

The topic ‘UPDATE – Male fertility issues – ready to walk away from this marriage’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors