(Closed) UPDATE – Male fertility issues – ready to walk away from this marriage

posted 8 years ago in TTC
Post # 32
1087 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@jaylinjo:  I’m so sorry that you are going through this, but you are so strong it really sounds like you made the best decision for you. I wish you the very best hun. *hugs*

Post # 33
821 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2008 - A tiny town just outside of Glacier National Park

I think you are making the right decision, if perhaps acting a bit quickly. His close-mindedness, emotional acting, and inflexibility are not things you can work around unless he simmers down and makes a conscious effort to change. I think he is clearly showing you he is unwilling to work together. On the one hand, at least he is being clear with his boundaries (however shitty). On the other, it sucks that it had to come out like this.

“I am leaving because he is not treating me like an equal partner in a decision so critical as this one is.”

^ Bingo.

Post # 34
240 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Just wanted to say my stepsister has gone through a very similar situation, couldn’t conceive naturally and he flat out refused to do it any other way, but only a year later they tried ivf Afew times and it didn’t work out for them as they found out she couldn’t carry but could conceive then loose it due to a hostile womb. Her sisters offered to be a surrogate with both the parents being the biological parents still and still he refused to that didn’t like the idea of ‘oweing’ someone in that big of a way (his words). Well fast forward another year and they have adopted, he came around in his own time. 

 tl;dr; so my point is its hard to hear that kind of news about yourself, especially I find men seem to hate to admit that and feel a sense of ‘failure as a man’. But give him a little time, he obviously isn’t handling it well and he might feel different later . 

<hugs> hope everything works out best for you, whatever that might be. 

Post # 35
814 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@jaylinjo:  if you want kids, and he isnt willing to find an alternative means of doing so then definitely leave. I feel you will just resent him the rest of your marriage, for not even trying other options. 

I would wait though. I would give this man that you married a least a year. People change. They really do. RIght now he probably feels like a failure, and is in complete denial/anger at the moment. Having donor sperm or adopting may be options that right now seem to stomp on his pride. Hopefully he comes to terms with it. I would suggest he goes to a counselor… hes clearly greiving the loss of his fertility. 

Post # 36
333 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Wow, good for you for having the strength to walk out. Your husband will be probably flabbergasted and shocked that you had the strength to leave. He probably never expected it. Its good to hear that you are taking your life into your own hands so you dont have to deal with your husbands dismissive and miserable behaviour. 

Post # 38
274 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Part of me wonders if he thought you would reject him for not being able to provide you with children and so was pushing you away first. It’s not very mature but it would have been an incredible shock to him to find all this out. I wonder if you had first reassured him that you love him no matter what, if he would gradually have been amenable to different ideas. People can do a lot of things out of hurt and the way you describe his outburst seems to me very like challenge. It just seems like you have made a HUGE decision on the wake of some very bad news and that maybe some cooling down time is more what is needed at this point?

Post # 39
1947 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

I am so sorry, OP.  This is not the update I think any of us were hoping for.  I could MAYBE see being unwilling to try IVF from the stand-point of him feeling that it’s “playing God”….but being unwilling to love an adopted child just because it’s no biologically his is sad.  I can’t imagine how heartbreaking that would be to hear.  

Sending best wishes your way, OP.

Post # 40
1610 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@CityBearBride:  just curious, had you read the OP’s initial post?  There’s so much more to it than her husband not agreeing to IVF.

View original reply
@peonyinparis:  +100

OP… *hugs*.


Post # 41
215 posts
Helper bee

@jaylinjo:  My honest opinion- and I understand what you mean about his reaction being scarier than the prospect of never having kids- is that you give him time before you make the divorce final.

You obviously understand that this is a huge blow to him, to his ego, to his dreams and for him to preempt you by mentioning a possible divorce first reveals that he is scared.

Please don’t make any rash decisions, and when he has calmed down enough to start thinking rationally about things, then let him hear you out.

I’m just joining in on this story so I have no idea how long you dated before marriage and whether you had any other issues prior to this, but at least consider what you’ve had with him in previous years….. Wasn’t this something covered under the “for better, for worse”?

Can you use you experience in settling differences of opinion in the past in this matter as well?

Can both of you let love lead the way in your marriage?

Post # 42
488 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

peonyinparis: very well said, +100000

Best of luck, OP, you sound like an incredibly courageous woman.

Post # 43
294 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2000


I just wanted to chime in with support. I’ve never imagined a situation like this, and I really appreciate you relating something so complex, so eloquantly.

While I can’t begin to know what I would do in your situation, it is clear that your decision is level-headed and insightful. I am so sorry that it has come to this, but I do not think you can be faulted for your conclusion.

I hope he will realise it was not a case of black and white reasoning surrounding a single issue. You’re in my thoughts.

Post # 44
7550 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

@Asichka:  +1

But the way he has treated you with regards to this, always having the final say, etc is ridiculous. He should at least hear you out. But I think you should at least give him time to cool down, this is a HUGE blow to both of you, and right now he is probably thinking that you are leaving him because he has fertility issues. That’s what I would be thinking if I was him, so I think you need to make it clear your real reasons for leaving.

Post # 45
139 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I’m so sorry you have to go through with this; I know the upcoming weeks/months are going to be really difficult for you. I think you’re going through it with the right attitude and a level head and I hope the transition goes relatively smoothly for you. xo.

Post # 46
1712 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

@MrsPadlock2B:  +1


Though I completely understand what you’re going through and feeling, I would wait before making the divorce final. These things are often such a shock that it takes a while to wrap your head around. I too was completely against IVF, it took me a while to even do some research much less agree to it.

Is he religous? Maybe you can sit down with a minister and work out the qualms concerning the issue. Wishing you all the best in dealing with this very difficult situation.

The topic ‘UPDATE – Male fertility issues – ready to walk away from this marriage’ is closed to new replies.

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