(Closed) UPDATE – Male fertility issues – ready to walk away from this marriage

posted 8 years ago in TTC
Post # 47
Member
7813 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

While I don’t agree with the decision and would have never done it myself – I don’t see the logic behind it being selfish not to want IVF but perfectly okay to force someone to have IVF – it sounds like you’re happy with the choice and that’s all that matters. 

Post # 48
Member
6375 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

I think that you made the right decision in this case. Having read the previous post, you always allowed this man to make final decisions on all aspects of your life. The second you want to discuss something and he cannot force you to have it all his way, the second he shut down. He has not treated you like a life partner.

The fact that you felt free the second you left says it all. And now you are free to be a mother. It’s the right thing to do.

Post # 49
Member
3628 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

Even though I don’t know you personally, I’m proud of you.

I understand that this decision is about your dynamics as man and wife, and not merely about fertility issues. You deserve a man who sees you as an equal and treats you with respect.

I’m sorry you have to go through this heartache, but it will lead to much happiness. It takes a lot of courage to do what you did, and it will pay off in the end for you.

 

Post # 50
Member
582 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@ermine:  1+ it was good you didn’t respond emotionally or irrationally but calmed down before discussing things

Post # 51
Member
2468 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@CityBearBride:  +1

Also I wish more couples would talk about infertility BEFORE they got married so that situations like this wouldn’t happen. DH knew going into the marriage that we both wanted children and if we can’t have them naturally we would consider adoption. From the get go he knew I was against IVF/donor sperm for personal/religious reasons.

 

 

Post # 52
Member
1260 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2002

I didn’t read your original post and maybe I missed something.  You are leaving him because of his unwillingness to use another man’s sperm?  I actually feel for him.  He is incredibly broken inside.  I pray he finds the strength he needs.  From the cry he let out, sounds like his heart is shattered.  Maybe he just needs time?  He was basically robbed of his manhood, and feels worthless.  Obviously I missed something here though.  Maybe this was the last straw. I pray you find the strength you need as well. 

 

Post # 53
Member
482 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

@Heidibrooke:  I agree.. While it sounds like a lot of issues have come out of their journey TTC, much of it is understandable as I am sure a good portion of the population would be as devastated if they were to discover thier own infirtility

My heart is breaking for both of these two, but it is especially for the Husband. I imagine he is experiencing an incredible amount of grief and dissapointment over his inability to have his own biological children – and now just 72 hours after thier final prognosis she is leaving him. I feel like a lot of what he had said to her derived from this and it is still so fresh.  I actually don’t fault him for not being onboard with some of the ‘procedures’ as I don’t think it would be for me, either.

That being said, OP and I are very different people as I would like to have children with my own husband, but if it didn’t happen I would be only just a little bit sad. Motherhood does not mean as much to me as it does to her so I can’t fairly judge her for it. At the end of the day though, I could never leave my husband over something like this. If the tables were turned and my spouse left me I don’t think I would be able to recover from that…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Post # 54
Member
1988 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I completely understand how not being on the same page about children can be a dealbreaker. There is no compromise, there is no middle ground.  Only one person can have “their way” and it could just lead to years of resentment.  Although it is difficult and painful, it probably is the best for both of you to part ways at this point. 

Post # 55
Member
648 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Thanks for the update. I’m so, so sorry about this. But kudos to you for accepting the situation with such grace and self-care.

It sounds more like your husband is pushing you out of the marriage, than that you’re leaving him. He’s really giving you no choice here. My heart is breaking for you, but I am simultaneously proud of you for standing up for what you want and need in the relationship.

And I still find it mind-boggling how some bees have interpreted this situation as you being baby-crazy and destroying the relationship over that. It is so clearly about your husband shutting you out completely and refusing to even talk to you about this. Just know that the vast majority of us are supporting you in this.

Post # 56
Hostess
6422 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2012

You are an AMAZING person. Stronger than most women. I think that you have done all that you can do and now you deserve to be with someone who will do all they can do for YOU as well. Marriage is 100%. I know that no one could have seen this whole situation 10+ years ago. I think you are doing the right thing!

If he came back to you and agreed to try IVF, would you take him back? That might be a real situation that you need to be ready for. If IVF does not work, then you could be worse than you are now. I urge you to keep this strength!!

Post # 57
Member
2865 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@Heidibrooke:  

View original reply
@Starling13:   He won’t let her use another man’s sperm AND he won’t even consider IVF treatments or adoption.  So staying in the marriage would mean accepting it would be a childless one because he refuses any other alternatives besides natural conception.

Post # 58
Member
5191 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

I’m sorry.  My heart breaks for both of you.

Post # 59
Member
1075 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

This is a tough one.

 

I feel like I plan on marrying my Fiance with no strings attached. That means that we may both go into it wanting children but it may not be possible. This must be a HUGE mourning process for your husband. I think he probably needs A LOT more time to adjust in his own brain. I mean really, that’s a very “manhood” type of thing to lose.

I could completely understand not wanting to use another man’s sperm… absolutely I get it. He may be open to options after time goes by and I think it is very sad that he is losing both his ability to have his own children and now his wife.

Post # 60
Member
532 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@jaylinjo:  I read your original post and felt your husband was pretty selfish to make a decision that affected you both without taking your feelings into consideration. Your update only confirmed what I initially thought of him. I’m sorry you had to go through this and I commend you for having the strength to leave. That level of selfishness your husband displayed is unacceptable in a marriage.

Post # 61
Member
2865 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@Jw1724:   But that’s the thing.  He hasn’t lost his abiity to father children.  He just can’t do it naturally.  I understand that’s still a huge blow.  But he still has IVF.  And he would still be the biological father of that child/children.

The topic ‘UPDATE – Male fertility issues – ready to walk away from this marriage’ is closed to new replies.

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