(Closed) UPDATE – Male fertility issues – ready to walk away from this marriage

posted 8 years ago in TTC
Post # 62
Member
37 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2014

do as you will, ultimately it is your devision and you must do what is right for you, but I believe you should give him time to mull it all over,  let him think all of this through to him he is likely going through a mourning and grieving process , mourning and grieving the loss of possible children. 

 

 

Personally I believe in the institution of marriage and what it stands for and when I take my for better or worse, in sickness and in health vows, I plan to abide by that, relationships take work , marriages included… I would try the ivf but should that not work I would never walk away based on an infertility issue.

 

Post # 63
Member
924 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@CityBearBride:  

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@Asichka:  
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@picturemeurs:  
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@MrsPanda99:  
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@Heidibrooke: 

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@ChantelleC90:  
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@Jw1724: 
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@Starling13: If you didn’t read the original thread, it sheds much light on the situation- http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/ttc-male-infertility-issues-im-ready-to-walk-away-from-this-marriage#axzz2pjSHIWIs  In short, she waited 5 years(!!!) for a proposal because he had things he wanted to do before getting married, she waited another 16 months to get married because he wanted a wedding (she didn’t) and they had to save and pay for that party. She waited a year for him to get control of his ego and have an SA done.  While they were TTC (this is not a case where he didn’t want kids and she does– he did too), he was very willing to blame their problems conceiving on her.  He’s not just against IVF or donor sperm, he’s also against adoption.  He’s unwilling to even discuss ANY method that may allow them to be parents, and he’s unwilling to go into counseling to process his feelings.  For any and all decisions prior to this, he always had the final say.  It was a dictatorship, not a partnership.  And while I would usually agree that some waiting to process the news might be in order (if she’s willing to continue a relationship with a dictotor), and have seen firsthand how someone processes a horrible MFI diagnosis and has positions on various things that evolve with time, she’s already 37 and time is not on her side.  For someone who was otherwise a caring, rational partner, I think giving it some time or being open to being childfree might make sense, but that’s not the situation here.

@jaylinjo: I’m so sorry you are going through this.  You obviously have much support here, and I hope you will come back whenever you need support.  I hope that you find the best results for you, whether that’s moving on and being a single mom, meeting someone new, or reconciling with him (maybe this will force him to reexamine other facets of his life and how he treated you in the past, and make him change for the better).  Whatever the best is for you, I hope that happens.  You are so strong!

Post # 64
Member
7813 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

@HopefulForLittleOne:  I did read it. What stands out to me is that she still chose to marry him. He must have some redeeming qualities. For me, a life partner will always be more important than kids ever will be. Forcing someone to discuss options they are fundamentally or ideologically opposed to is just as selfish as being opposed to them. That’s just me though. I already said that’s great for the OP that she made the best decision for her and that she’s happy. To each their own. 

Post # 65
Member
5879 posts
Bee Keeper

@HopefulForLittleOne:  +1 its clear cut what she needs do and after five years she reached her threshold. For some people having children is a non negotiable. For her it is. So Kudos to her for having the balls to walk way after trying to find other avenues and getting met with walls by her SO.  

Post # 66
Member
1684 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013 - backyard in the woods

I’m so sorry you had to made such a terribly hard decision, but I truly believe that you made the right one. A marriage is a partnership, and he made it perfectly clear that what you think and feel not only doesn’t matter, but will not even be discussed. His anger and treatment of you in this situation also makes me very nervous (and sad). I think he has some things he needs to work through before he can be in a healthy relationship, and he doesn’t seem willing to even consider that. I wish you all the best with your healing and life.

 

Post # 67
Member
6458 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

I really think giving him some time to come to terms with this information makes more sense than leaving over his inability to conceive.  Perhaps he’ll change his mind, or be more willing to discuss other options.

 

Post # 68
Member
1684 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013 - backyard in the woods

@HopefulForLittleOne:  +1

 

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@MrsPanda99:  But that’s just it, as of now, she doesn’t have a life partner. A partner listens to you, and will discuss things, even if they are uncomfortable or they disagree with them. He has made it very clear that he is unwilling to do so. If he changes this, and chooses to treat her as a partner, to respect her and discuss things like a partner should, then okay, maybe this can be salvaged. I don’t know if at this point things it would be possible, but it would be worth a shot IMO, if he were willing to discuss things, and they could seek counseling together. As it stands, with him being adamantly clear that there is no discussion, she is right to leave him- the decsiosn is hers to make either way though.

Edited because for the life of me I can’t make a post without typos:)

Post # 70
Member
793 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@peonyinparis:  +1!

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@jaylinjo:  I’m sorry that things didn’t work out better for you all. I wish you all the best and hope that one day you get to have the children that you want.

Post # 71
Member
1229 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@HopefulForLittleOne:  Thanks for spelling that out for the people who are being hard hearted against OP.  She sacrificed a lot; he knew she wanted to be a parent–and yes, he has fertility issues but any resolution, including adoption, is out of the picture.  At one point in her life can she be “blamed” for taking charge of her own happiness?

Post # 72
Member
7813 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

@Aqualov:  That’s what I said – she made the best decision for her and that’s great. I said FOR ME, it wouldn’t work. I’m not judging her – it’s not my life so what do I care? It’s none of my business. I just said what would work for ME while acknowledging she did what’s right for her. A bunch of messages directed at me won’t change my mind and I don’t see why anyone is trying. I’m not the one who asked for advice and I didn’t tell the OP what to do either. I just spoke from my own frame of reference.  

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@CreatureFromTheBlackLagoon:  Awe 🙂 I lub you too. 

Post # 73
Member
1275 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@jaylinjo:  I’m wishing you the best and hope you can both find happiness. So sorry you had to go through all of this.

Post # 74
Member
9168 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@jaylinjo:  You have to do what is best for you ultimately.  Is counseling even an option here? I’d think you guys would at least want to give it all you have to give before throwing away your marriage (assuming this is the only issue – not that it isn’t a BIG issues it is, but it doesn’t seem like you’ve given it your all trying to fix this issue yet).  It’s only been a few days since the appointment and neither of you have had time to really process the news and work through it.  Regardless, I wish you both the best of luck.

Post # 75
Member
6317 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@CityBearBride:  Same here. I actually asked that question before we got married! He did IVF (unsuccessfully) with his ex wife and I asked him if he’d expect me to do it (I don’t want to!) and he said no. If it doesn’t work naturally for us then so be it.

Post # 76
Member
924 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@MrsWBS:  She said in her original thread that she was willing to go to counseling, but he absolutely refuses.  Sounds like he doesn’t believe in talking anything out.  His way or the highway.

The topic ‘UPDATE – Male fertility issues – ready to walk away from this marriage’ is closed to new replies.

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