Post # 107
@CreatureFromTheBlackLagoon: But try to imagine it from a different perspective… Because after all, OP and her husband were TTC before they even got married, so they entered into marriage with the intention to have kids. So imagine your husband decided that he wanted to have kids no matter what, and he was going to hire a surrogate to bear his child, which he would then raise to adulthood. And you say to him, “honey, that wasn’t the plan. It is really important to me that I don’t have to parent a child. That is not compatible with my life goals.” And he says, “Tough.”
So you try to compromise, and you say, “well maybe you could be a Big Brother to a needy kid. Or maybe we could spend more time with your nephew. Or maybe we could become short term foster parents.” And he says, “nope, those don’t work for me. I’m having a baby.”
So you say, “well jeez, honey, I think we should go to a therapist and talk about this some more.” And he says, “there’s nothing to discuss and I’m not going to counseling.”
Honestly, you would really give up your life goal of living a CBC life because your husband decided he had to have a kid? And you wouldn’t wind up resenting him when you’re changing diapers or not getting to take a great vacation or spending your money on strollers instead of whatever you want?
Post # 108
@Jacqui90: I feel like the OP wants counseling to bring her husband to a decision that better suits her. I feel like even in a marriage, some decisions can’t be a compromise.
Whether or not he was on board with IVF a few months ago, he made the decision to not want to go through with it. I don’t think he agreed to IVF before the vows were spoken.
He doesn’t want to play God and doesn’t want a child that is not his blood. This isn’t very rare.
I know people think these comments are kicking a poster when she’s down, but when I read nothing but comments supporting her decision, it scares the fuck out of me. Mostly because I feel if a man posted this it would not have the same support.
The OP told her husband she was going ahead with the procedure with or without his sperm. This tells me that a child is more important than her marriage.
In that case, she made the right decision. But I’m going to be honest and say I feel terrible for her husband.
Post # 109
@CreatureFromTheBlackLagoon: Yeah that situation that you presented (which is basically what the OP is doing) is very similar to the situation @KatieBklyn:
presented to you, if your husband was going ahead and inseminating another woman just to get a baby, would you be ok with it. The answer would be no. But then when you question the OP for doing something very similar everyone jumps down your throat! Bit of a double standard here lol. And this child may or may not happen, whereas the marriage was already there and is getting thrown away.
But the OP did what was right for her, and one day the husband will realise it was right for him too for this marriage to be over.
Post # 110
@KatieBklyn: This discussion has been had by both of us. Under no circumstances will I give birth or have a young child to care for. I gave birth to a rape baby years ago who died in my arms. My position is in stone.
Marriage is a legal contract. Before you sign, you present your terms. We have set forth a compromise of adoption of an older child no younger than 12 years old. If my husband or I could not live without a child, we will go this route. I can assure you that his desire to be CF is as strong as mine. I am 28 and he is 29. By the time I graduate with my PhD, natural conception would be out of the question anyways.
I should also include that we agreed when my 10 year IUD is up, he will be getting a vasectomy. This is his wish. I refuse to go through surgery again.
Post # 111
@iloverocks: It takes a certain kind of person to walk out on their marriage simply because they aren’t getting their way.
That’s not why she’s walking out on the marriage. It would do you well to attempt to understand her reasoning before insulting her. I don’t get how you don’t understand that kids are just as important to some people as marriage. I’m all for wedding vows, but if I wanted kids more than anything in the world, and my husband did too until one day he changes his mind and REFUSES to talk about it, then it’s selfish of HIM to make me live a life where I’ll be completely unhappy, FOREVER, because of vows.
I also doubt this will ever, EVER get back to him (unless for some reason he reads her WB posts) and even in the event that it did, who the hell cares? You guys don’t know him personally.
Everyone feeling sorry for the guy — I think a lot of you are forgetting that SHE lost her husband in this too. He didn’t just lose a wife.
It’s lose-lose for everyone here. OP is just trying to make the best of the situation for BOTH of them. No point in them both being in an unhappy marriage for the rest of their lives.
Post # 112
@StephieBee: But the OP didn’t say he had wanted children more than anything all along, that up until now he was ok with IVF and adoption and is now changing his mind. Sounds more like that he wanted children, yes, his own biological children that he conceived the natural way. IVF is very expensive and very invasive for both partners. So it’s not like he is just backing out on a plan they had, he isn’t. He planned on having biological children naturally and is against other alternatives for some reason. So neither of them really changed their view, he doesn’t want kids that aren’t his and she will be happy with any as long as she gets one.
So it wasn’t them both wanting children more than anything in the world, at all. He didn’t deceive her in that way, they just didn’t discuss what would happen if there were fertility issues.
At least she bowed out now while she is still able to have kids, and he has time to find someone who is in it for forever.
Post # 113
@Jacqui90: “At least she bowed out now while she is still able to have kids, and he has time to find someone who is in it for forever.“
Post # 114
While I do think the hubby might need some extra time to think about things, I think he has purposely been putting things off and controlling their relationship without being honest about how important (or not important) having children was to him. It is clearly not as much of a priority for him as it is for her and I don’t think OP knew that.
I think it is silly to say ‘vows don’t mean anything anymore’. Children are a HUGE part of life. To some people (probably myself included), it is a deal breaker. I told my Fiance that I want kids and he agrees. We’ve talked about adoption and things like that in case we cannot conceive naturally. But, he could change his mind. At this time, I’m not sure if I would leave him or not (probably because I’m still fairly young and not interested in kids for at least 5 more years). However I think if you agree on something so monumental ahead of time and your spouse changes their mind, it makes sense to move on.
I have a friend who does not want kids. EVER. If she realized her guy changed his mind and really wanted to have kids she would definitely leave.
I just think it’s crazy to think someone is not taking their vows seriously because they realized their spouse has changed their opinions on major life issues.
Post # 115
@almostwebbee: Where did she say he changed his mind? I am confused, because I don’t think anywhere she said that he no longer wants kids, or that he used to be ok with IVF and is no longer ok with it. From what I gather, neither of them changed their minds, they just prefer different methods of having children and are sticking to that. Since their beliefs are different it makes sense for them to split.
Post # 116
@Jacqui90: I’d have to go back and read the original thread; it sounded to me like they had talked about what to do for alternatives beforehand, so she was under the assumption that he would be alright with having a child in other ways. Regardless, no point in them both being completely unhappy forever.
“At least she bowed out now while she is still able to have kids, and he has time to find someone who is in it for forever.“
Yep – and so does she.
Post # 117
@StephieBee: She already found someone who was in it forever – him. So she doesn’t need time to find that someone, she already found them, she just needs time to find someone willing to have kids no matter the cost. That’s what she is looking for by the sounds of it. She is giving up on the commitment she made. If they had discussed it beforehand and he had agreed to it, and is now backing out, I take back what I said.
Post # 118
@Jacqui90: In her post before this one it seems to me like they’ve had discussions about it. Unless I am misunderstanding or reading too much into what she’s written. But, the things she’s said that make me think they’ve probably discussed IVF are:
“After reviewing the videos, I noticed that he has this look of pure disgust on his face. Then he blurts out the words that will crush my heart forever: “We are NOT doing this procedure”. I asked him why and he stated that it was far too invasive for his liking and he will not be a part of it. In a panic I began to cry, I asked “what the hell he thought was involved? We’ve only talked about this for the last 1.5 years, did you never do any research on your own”? Apparently he did not, left it all up to me and is basically saying that he will not participate. “
“He never researched anything, I thought he had since he sounded fairly educated on the subject when we discussed it. “
“I have cried enough tears to fill a river, I just want to be able to talk to him and have him meet in the middle on things that are important to me. Especially things that were discussed prior to marriage.”
Although, her third quote could have just been talking about whether they wanted kids, but in the first two she is specifically speaking of IVF. Again, I could be reading this wrong, but if they’d discussed and agreed to IVF being a possibility for 1.5 years and now he’s changed his mind and won’t give it a try, that’s really unfair to her.
Post # 119
@Jacqui90: If you’d read her first post, you’d see that she’d made it clear right from the start that having kids was super important to her 🙂 So that’s the start of it all.
Post # 120
Yes I remember that post, but it was understandable that he might feel less keen on it after learning more about it. I agreed that yes he should be more open and should actually be interested in discussing things and getting counselling. So I agreed that the best thing for both was to end the marriage. I just disagree with the idea of leaving your true love because they have fertility issues and are unwilling to mess with nature. But that’s me, not the OP 🙂
Post # 121
@CreatureFromTheBlackLagoon: Right, but what would you do if he changed his mind and decided he needed an infant to parent and was not willing to discuss other options or go to counseling? What if he was hell bent on that and staying with him means that you have to give up on your very deeply held desire to not parent an infant? Would you say, oh well, I vowed for better or worse so looks like I’m SOL? Or would you say, fuck this, this is not what I signed up for, if you come home with a baby, I’m out of here?
Serious question. It seems like OP wants to have a baby just as much as you dont want to have a baby. Both of those desires are legitimate and very important. Why should she have to stay in a marriage where she will be unable to fulfill that deeply held desire? Theres no more reason for her to do that that for you to have to parent a child because your husband flipped the script on you.
I married my husband for better or worse, but part of that deal is we both have to try. If my husband ever gets to the point where he is actively preventing me from pursuing my deeply held goals (like, having a family, not being completely broke, having a monogamous relationship), and is not willing to find a reasonable compromise and won’t even talk about it? He is no longer upholding his part of the vows in good faith either.