Post # 122
There is alot of very WRONG information that people are saying about our situation here. I don’t know where all of these assumptions are coming from?
My husband and I did discuss IVF before marriage, he knew about my rape and he knew that my attacker gave me an STD that could possibly hinder our chances of concieving (we had not seen a doctor at that time to confirm or deny that suspicion) so yes, he entered into a marriage with me knowing that this was always an option. This is not something that was brought up after getting married. This was discussed well beforehand. It is not my fault that he agreed to something without educating himself and then backed out when it looked like its may be a real road that we would need to head towards. And soon at that. That is, in fact, deception.
Secondly, no, I am not wanting my husband to go to therapy simply to sway him. We need it as a couple for far more reasons than fertility. I want him to go to show that he is willing to put forth the effort into this marriage whether we are able to have children or not, because of course IVF is not even a guarantee. I want to go as a couple so that we can better understand each other, so that we can discuss boundaries without arguements and so that we can actually work out all of our issues, issues that do not include fertility. Seems like alot of people have completely overlooked all of the other issues that we have which prompted me to leave. This is why we need therapy.
@iloverocks: Do you know me or my husband? Do you know what part of the country we’re in? What State? What City? County? Do you see any photos of myself or my husband posted on this site? No. You wouldn’t know us from a hole in a wall. Neither will anyone else. This site is anon which is why I am comfortable posting here, he will never know and no one here will ever be able to identify him. You don’t know how to state your opinion in a respectful manner therefore your opinion means nothing to me. Sorry!
Anyway, I just wanted to check in and let you all know that I have spoken to him today. He agrees that a few days away is a good thing. He asked if this was final. I told him that I cannot answer that at this time. He apologized for getting in my face and scaring me. It wasn’t a long conversation, I think he mostly wanted to know that I was safe, which I can appreciate.
I am going to take a few days, think this through and try to cope. Therapy is not up for debate, that I did make clear to him. If he wants this marriage to work, we both have to work for it.
Post # 123
@jaylinjo: This is such a difficult situation:( I hope you can find clarity after taking time to think everything over. Trust your heart and you can’t go wrong. All the best to you and big hugs- hopefully 2014 haa only good things awaiting you:)
Post # 124
Just read your update and I’m glad you’re standing up for yourself. I hope he comes around. And I hope you’re open to that (it sounds like you are) but, if not, I’ll pray for strength. Because it’s never easy to start a new path in life, but I hope it’s a good path!
Post # 125
@jaylinjo: Ok it’s good to hear that you have spoken to him and it sounds like he will be more open to therapy after a few days breathing space 🙂 That’s good news!
Post # 126
@jaylinjo: I’m sorry that this has happened.
I truly hope that you two will be able to go to therapy together and to work this through. I know that technically he had a year to contemplate the thought of also having fertility issues himself, but I would guess and say that he never actually took the time to think about it and so, is still basically in denial and not currently feeling like a “real man”. I’m not saying that he is in the right, far from it, his lack of communication and honesty are appalling! – but I do think that there is hope for therapy helping you to communicate with each other and dig deeper into what he is really thinking/feeling, to try to get him to open up.
I hope that you are doing ok. Please keep us updated. Unfortunately, there will always be people who do not read all the posts and those who might not interpret your words to mean what you meant them to.
Post # 127
- Wedding: September 2008 - A tiny town just outside of Glacier National Park
You sound like you have your head on straight and that you know your needs and are enforcing your boundaries. (That is not to say he isn’t entitled to his either – but that’s what makes a dealbreaker, right?) Be strong. I’m sure all this news is difficult for him too, but you both need to do what is right for you and that is not always a path that can be walked together.
Post # 128
Why is having children so important?
Post # 129
@iloverocks: Wow, you even have to ask that? Maybe they’re not that important to you, but they clearly are to the OP! I’m not sure why the why is relevant…
Post # 130
I think that these words:
I wanted to make it clear to my husband that my descision was about much more than our fertility issues. I never want him to think that I am leaving him due to anything related to his possible inability to have children. I am leaving because he is not treating me like an equal partner in a decision so critical as this one is. I am leaving because he fed me what I wanted to hear for many years, but when push came to shove he bowed out without so much as a second thought as to how I feel. I am leaving because not only is he refusing to acknowledge that he is not in this alone, he won’t even man up and speak to a professional to help us through this trying time.
Are exactly the words you need to tell him.
Post # 131
@iloverocks: why is having a homes so important to some, or getting married so important or finding a partner so important or educating yourself so important for others? There is no answer it is just what people feel in their heart of hearts that is important to them to feel happy and fulfilled. I wouldn’t survive without children to me that is literally my worst nightmare I would do whatever it took, some will understand that, others won’t and that’s ok.
Post # 132
@bubbycakes: Like for me it is having dogs. I can’t imagine not having them. Although I wouldn’t leave Fiance if he wouldn’t discuss the option, but everyone is different! I can’t imagine the pain both of them are going through right now, I feel sorry for both of them. Maybe OP can get a sperm donor on her own and then maybe her husband will take her back and treat the child as his own.
Post # 133
@jaylinjo: I’m so sorry you are being judged for your decision. Please ignore all of these naysayers.
I’m so disappointed in the hive for not showing support to our fellow bee. Just because some of you are CFBC does not mean everyone is. For others having children is not up for discussion. Had you read the OP’s initial post (which she linked in this post) you can see the background to this discussion. She was duped! She had made it clear that this was important to her from the beginning. IF he just so happens to change his mind then that change’s the playing field. BUT, she is leaving him since he’s dictating everything in their lives without her input. I would walk out on my husband for that in a heart beat. I have a father so I did not get married to have another one.
I think most of you are taking this thread WAY to personal and relating to your spouses walking out although you decided to be CFBC. This is not that situation. It isn’t for a lot of couples. I shared this story with my DH and before I got to the end he said “I hope she leaves him”. For some of us, women and men, being a parent is a life goal that you can’t simply walk away from.
Post # 134
@NovaRising: I’m a ‘naysayer’ sort of, as you put it. I also want children very much, definitely not CFBC. I still can’t fathom leaving my Fiance over fertility issues, but for the OP it is so much more than that, as you said. I wouldn’t want my Fiance to treat me like a child, and if he did I would consider leaving too!
Post # 135
@Jacqui90: But that’s the point. She’s leaving because he’s treating her like a child. Not because of his medical issues. I just find it strange that so many bees acted like that’s the reason she wants to walk.
Post # 136
@NovaRising: +1000000 I hate how people are treating her, hence trying to set the story straight with a few people here. I think the OP deserves our admiration for dealing with the situation so level headedly. Marriage is a partnership and her husband clearly wasn’t willing to respect that. THere is so much more to this issue than just the fertility problems.
I hate women who tear other women to pieces without bothering to read or understand the full story.