(Closed) UPDATE: my dying father living with FI & I and I can't do it

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
6015 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

I would look into Hospice care.  He’s stage four they should be involved.  They’ll send people to stay all day with him, give him a bath and feed him.  They will either come all day and leave when you get home or come all night. 

We had my great aunt move in with us, she had leukemia and without Hospice I would have lost my mind.  My dad and I were her primary caregivers.  My brother’s just dropped in and out when they had some time.  They sat with her all day, fed her gave her baths, and were so kind to us. 

Post # 4
1278 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

@unknow123:  I am so sorry you are having a rough time, especially when you have a wedding coming up. Is it possible your sistr is trying to start drama? Either by twisting around words he said or just making stuff up? Also, my granny lived w ys for about 4 months and she complained ALL the time. She was just an unhappy person and I didn’t take it personally. She made comments about my cooking, my lack of house cleaning abilities (At the time I worked 2 jobs!) and about how I always came home and went straight to my bedroom and never socialized with her. Al of the comments she made were true, she said it to my dad. I wasn’t offended though. I realized I just had to take it with a grain of salt. Maybe that’s just what your dad is doing?

Post # 5
6124 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

@unknow123:  I don’t know how anyone can expect you to be the main and only caregiver unless a) you have no job and lots of free time, b) you have all the training needed for this, and c) you WANT to.  I’m guessing you don’t have all three of those things.




Does he have a palliative care nurse?  His doctor needs to order Hospice care for him.




Seriously talk to his medical care providers or go with him on a doctors visit.  Don’t feel like you have to take this all on by yourself and be his nurse – that’s totally insane.




And yes, I had a dying father too.  He was on Hospice for 24 hours before he died, but he was so dang stubborn he wouldn’t let anyone do anything for him.




Why do you feel you owe him when he hasn’t been there for you as a dad?  What you are putting yourself through is torturous and not required.


People do different things when they are faced with death.  Maye your dad just gets spiteful because his kids will go on living and his life is cut short.  I have no idea, but try not to take it personally.  And better yet, get him into some care facility or get a caretaker in there stat.


Post # 6
429 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

You tried. That’s a lot more than most people would do for an absentee dad. What more can you do? Try to find him another option. Try not to fight with your sister, it sounds like she’s only willing to do a limited amount for your dad and of course her kids are her first priority.

Post # 7
7693 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

@unknow123:  Definitely call Hospice.  They can probably send in people to help.  Or call the social worker at the hospital.  Good luck.

Post # 9
1849 posts
Buzzing bee

Have you confronted him on this?  Yes, he is dying.  Yes, he apparently can still trash talk you guys so you need to clear the air.  He is still accountable for his actions.

You have tried to care for him.  I have lost my guardians (my parents died when I was little so they were my “parents”) my brother, and my awesome Mother-In-Law to cancer and was right there for them too.  I know where you are coming from.

Maybe part of the problem here is that you have found that place in your heart and soul where you can put the past aside and do the right thing for him as he is dying.  Unfortunately, he is still the same non-father figure he has always been and isn’t going to change in his final days.

Call hospice.  Please.  They have wonderful facilities and they will care for him very well.  You have tried as hard as anyone can and he has no appreciation for that.  You also don’t have a strong enough support system to keep this up.  Call them.  Many hugs to you today.

Post # 10
5547 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2011

Agree with the pp,  at home or in-patient hospice care is an incredible resource so you don’t have to deal with this alone. They help manage pain,  feeding,  bathing and all the emotional issues that come from being the caregiver to a dying family member. They generally can be as involved or not as you want them to be. They are specifically trained to help and also have someone who can talk with families about these issues as a group. 

Whilw I know it is hard,  I also wouldnt judge your sister too hard, people cope differently and she may not be able to handle your father dying. I know it is totally not fair to you at all,  but sometimes people can’t and don’t react to death and dying the same way. There is 100% a. Reason I’m not a hospice nurse,  I know I can’t deal with it well. 

Your dad’s doctor or hospital can find you the best hospice teams or the ones they usually work with,  it is not giving up on your dad or anything like that,  it just means you don’t having the training or emotional ability to care for him anymore, the hospice team is just there to support your family and dad as you go through this process. 

Post # 11
917 posts
Busy bee

@unknow123:  talk to your dad about what he has supposedly said, to clear the air there. Then I’d suggest like many of the other bees to look into at home assistance or even assisted living care for him. I think you’ve done all you possibly can for your father and if anyone in your family dare say otherwise or judge you, ask them to take care of him and see how demanding and draining it is. 



I completely understand where you’re coming from as my SO had his absentee father living with (off) him too. Although, very different circumstances as SO’s father is an alcoholic and addict. 




But! Please hold your head high, along with your Fiance in knowing you’ve done all you can for your father and unfortunately, you’re drained and you just don’t have anymore to give. Big hugs! xx


Post # 13
2808 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

i’m so sorry that you’re having to deal with this. ):


i know you said you have made other arrangements, but i’m adding in my thoughts.


i also would call hospice. when my grandmother was dying, hospice was involved. it was one of the best things that could have been done. my grandfather didn’t have to worry about a thing, aside from when we were going to lose her. we were all able to be there with her, and hospice was so wonderful in providing help to anyone who needed it. they also offered after-care counseling to all of us. it was great. it was the hardest thing any of us had been through (we were all there, with her, and we pretty much watched her die), and without hospice, she would have been in a hospital and it wouldn’t have been comfortable.


Post # 14
441 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@unknow123:  I know you said you’re going to make other arrangements, but I just want to reassure you that you’ve gone above and beyond what most people would do in this situation. Please do not feel bad. You did far more than most people would have done for an absentee dad. It is so sad that your dad wasn’t the kind of father you deserved when you needed him, but I also totally understand how in spite of that you still do love him. 

The topic ‘UPDATE: my dying father living with FI & I and I can't do it’ is closed to new replies.

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