UPDATE: My Ex Boyfriend Wants to Get Back Together

posted 4 months ago in Relationships
Post # 32
Member
2234 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

megaleg2019 :  These people you know IRL are giving very bad advice. Even if he never turns violent or stalkerish, given how badly he’s ignored your boundaries, it is not a good idea to meet up with him or respond to any of his communication tactics. That will only encourage him, no matter how much he insists that he will leave you alone if you just give in to him this one time.

Post # 33
Member
1891 posts
Buzzing bee

My friend once had a guy and his friends harass her via her phone. She called the local non emergency police line and told them about it. One of the officer called the guy and told him to stop. It isn’t official, but it can be pretty effective to have a police officer simply call the guy and tell him to stop. If he keeps getting around your blocks on him than try that. 

Post # 34
Member
530 posts
Busy bee

Continue to ignore & then block him on email as well as everything else.

Even change your number if you have to. Do anything you have to in order to get him to stop contacting you!

 

Post # 35
Member
3043 posts
Sugar bee

megaleg2019 :  STOP RESPONDING

he is being creepy af, seriously.

reading this just gave me the heebie jeebies – it’s not sweet and it seems possessive like you OWE it to him. And the way he insists on meeting up doesnt sit well with me. If he really wanted to get things off his chest, he would do so in an email or letter. 

Start being a little more aware and cautious of your surroundings. Dont walk alone when possible etc. 

mistakes happen, its OK that u responded, u didnt say anything bad but just dont do it anymore. Everytime you do just leaves the door open a little bit more. But dont beat yourself up about it, were human. 

Post # 36
Member
508 posts
Busy bee

I would have told him to stop contacting me otherwise I am contacting the police.

Post # 37
Member
4501 posts
Honey bee

Given your additional information about his past relationships and current behavior, I’m willing to entertain that he isn’t planning to wear your skin like Silence of the Lambs (yet…But it’s not entirely off the table), but he is is absolutely unhinged and I think he thrives on chaos and newness and being able to pull the strings.  Even though he is currently doing the chasing now, my guess is he secretly likes being able to cut women off and make them feel desperate and when they take him back to reconcile it makes him feel like the big irresistible man.  He likes the thrill of that chase and once you are caught he starts getting bored and wishy-washy and indecisive so he either tries to find greener grass or intentionally f*cks things up so that he can have a little drama back in his life and see how much he is wanted.

He’s probably mad and desperate right now because you’re likely the first woman he’s dated with enough self-esteem to know her own value and not play this game.  You actually did a brave thing that more women need to do and that’s declare that they deserve to be with someone who wants to be with them without hesitation or checking out the rest of the menu or having you beg for him.  

 

That said, I would still practice good safety,  continue ignoring him, and not trust a word that comes out of his mouth.  His behavior clearly shows he doesn’t respect you and he is desperate – you just never know what desperate people will do.  Keep a log of his behavior in case it escalates.  I would not be surprised if it does escalate because he obviously doesnt take rejection well.

Post # 38
Member
1958 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

megaleg2019 :  Though this hasn’t escalated enough to be considered stalking to the point where you could obtain a restraining order, it’s very close to reaching harassment. If he continues to find other ways to contact you, block the new ways, but don’t delete the communication. Keep it as proof and you can go to the police for harassment.  

Post # 39
Member
669 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Don’t respond and continue to block. And your reply was fine, yes you know that you should not have replied but it’s not as if your reply was playing games or gave mixed signals. Just continue to block and ignore and be proud of yourself for doing so 

Post # 41
Member
1651 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

megaleg2019 :  Okay hon, as far as I’m concerned he’s gone into stalking territory.  The fact that he won’t leave you alone tells me he isn’t as harmless as you seem to think that he is.  Block everything!  Even media you haven’t used in a while.  Tell friends or family about this and make sure they are aware of how freaked out you are. Get escorted out of your office to your car from now on because this sounds like its going to escalate.  

I really hope you’re seeing this as a threat bee…..cause it is.

 

 

Post # 42
Member
960 posts
Busy bee

megaleg2019 :  you should keep a log of date, time, when, where, what he sent. In case he tries to harrass you and your family/friends, log a formal report with the police. Or like what other PPs said, inform the police now that there’s this creepy ex-boyfriend and you need help to stop him from contacting you. Go from there based on what the police offer to help? All the best. Stay safe!

Post # 43
Member
4501 posts
Honey bee

I’m not sure what type of job you have, but I would also alert your immediate supervisor.  I know you likely don’t want to seem alarmist and you can certainly make it clear that he has not yet made any threat of physical violence or to come to your workplace, but that he does know where you work and there has been an escalation in his attempts to contact you in a way that makes you uncomfortable despite you being very clear you want no contact and blocking him on multiple platforms.  At the very least if there is a receptionist up front it would be good for them to know his name and what he looks like if he shows up or calls and your manager can assist in keeping you safe.  Right now it is linked in.  Next time he shows up at work and the receptionist takes him back to your office because they are not aware. Or he calls and the receptionist gives out info about your schedule and whereabouts.

Also co-signing the make your friends and family aware and that they are not to put any info about you on social media or if he contacts them.

Also contact the non-emergency line of your local police station and ask for their advice in being proactive about logging a situation that is escalating towards harassment at best and stalking or more at worse.  You don’t have to do anything formal now, but you should always know the process and your options.

ETA:  And I get it – this was a guy you trusted for 8 months while dating and gave you no reason to think he was a danger to you.  And on the surface it looks like all he is doing is “just” professing his love for you and asking for a second chance.  No one wants to be labeled the hysterical alarmist woman who cried wolf.  But no one else wants you to end up a statistic either and there’s enough red flags to at least be more proactive and not keep quiet so people around you understand and know how to better keep you safe just in case.  Because he has already demonstrated that he won’t listen to you or take no for an answer.  Don’t be the person who refuses to listen to their hinky gut feeling and worst case scenario doesn’t live to regret it.  Even if the odds are that it won’t be worst case scenario, there are just some situations where you don’t gamble and play the odds.

Post # 44
Member
1958 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

megaleg2019 :  Don’t delete his messages! They’re your proof of his harassment. Keep a record of everything, then block. 

Post # 45
Member
639 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2020

I had to deal with a stalker situation. We talked with a local cop and his advice was, don’t engage. He said, if you keep feeding the local stray cat, it will keep coming back for more. 

Same concept.

Also, stop beating yourself up for having responded to him in the first place. You’re victim blaming. It’s not productive or healthy.

Ignore him. Stay safe. Don’t blame yourself, that’s what he would want you to do.

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