UPDATE: My Ex Boyfriend Wants to Get Back Together

posted 4 months ago in Relationships
Post # 46
Member
1098 posts
Bumble bee

In addition to the above advice from PPs, can you do what ladyjane mentioned and as a cop to call him and tell him to stop?

I think you need to take this very seriously.

Dont delete his messages until you record them as evidence first. 

This is no joke. I’m scared for your safety. 

Post # 47
Member
10668 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

megaleg2019 :  

Start documenting everything.  Each and every attempt he makes to contact you, screen shot and print what you can.

You will look like the sane and credible one.  This info will be crucial if you have to get a restraining order.

The PP is right—call the police non-emergency number and ask their advice.  Stalker statutes vary from one jurisdiction to another. 

And, dear gawd, keep him blocked on everything.  He will perceive any attention as a win.  Even if it’s only to tell him to eff off.  He doesn’t process your words the way a normal person does. He wants to control you.  If he can provoke a reaction out of you, he will be bolder the next time.

Be careful, Bee.  He’s escalating.  Get the police involved and document everything.

Post # 48
Member
1114 posts
Bumble bee

Yeah, I read this a couple days ago and my first reaction was to be fearful. Everything the bees are telling you is right – he’s escalating, he’s messed up in his head. This isn’t about YOU or anything he feels for you. This is about his need to get a reaction from you. He is ramping it up despite knowing you don’t want to hear from him, because your not saying anything is messing with the illusion of himself as this hot stud who can get any woman. You can see this with his exes…he likes to have all the power, the power to leave a woman and the power to get her back. The woman doesn’t matter, it’s the ability to pick her up and put her down at will that is the draw. You are REJECTING his idea of who he is, and that makes him even more freaked out and potentially dangerous. He feels entitled to you. 

It might work to get the police involved, but it might not. He might get a thrill from getting a rise out of you through his contact with the police, or it might make him angrier and escalate. I wouldn’t do it right now. Instead I would let him run out of gas if it’s possible. DON’T engage in any way. Don’t change your number but save any voicemails he might leave. Take steps to make sure you are safe for now, which might mean making sure you have people who can come over at a moment’s notice if he shows up, or places you can go. Be aware of your surroundings – he waited for you outside of work once, didn’t he? Didn’t he somehow know when you would be done with work and which entrance you’d be at, which was weird for you? I think there was a reason for that and you need to listen to your intuition. Can you be sure he isn’t hanging around outside your work or following you around? He might absolutely not be, but you never know so pay more attention. 

Even if you feel silly about it, take special care here. Something about him is off and I think you already know that inside, even if you don’t want to face it. 

Edited to add – be careful about involving the police and restraining orders. Everyone is going to suggest that to you, but too often it’s the catalyst for a man to become violent. The police often aren’t very aware and can make things worse. I would call a crisis or abuse hotline and ask for advice on what to do in stalking cases before involving police. However – if he turns threatening or starts showing up it’s a different story. Right now he’s a creepy annoyance that might go away or get distracted by something else if you don’t engage. 

Post # 49
Member
10668 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

strawberrysakura :  

My suggestion about talking to the police was for OP to get their advice.  Stalker laws vary across jurisdictions.  The local police are a better source of accurate information as to what the law is and what resources may be available than we are.

Totally agree about restraining orders.  They are not magic amulets.  Very often, they’re exploding cigars.  Women are killed all the time with restraining orders in their purses.

TROs are very effective against law abiding citizens.  That sounds silly, but, it isn’t.  Mutual restraining orders are SOP in divorces in some jurisdictions; irrespective of whether there has been the slightest hint of trouble.

The problem in violent ex cases is that the restraining order is perceived as a public humiliation.  She done him wrong one more time.  He’s already enraged that his quarry has fled. If he was arrested, he believes that she put him in jail. She is, hopefully, keeping the kids away from him.

And, now, the cherry on top of the parfait is the restraining order.

This is how they reason.

Another way this can really go sideways is for the victim to appear before the judge; a horrible experience, present her evidence, and have the order denied.  It happens.  Sometimes the evidence just isn’t documented well enough to justify a restriction on a citizen’s rights to freely move about. (Document, document, document).

A failed attempt at getting an order signals to the stalker that the courts are on his side.  Count on him getting bolder.

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