(Closed) UPDATE NEWS: Boyfriend’s a Jerk – Or Maybe I am

posted 9 years ago in Waiting
Post # 62
Member
3306 posts
Sugar bee

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@MaybeeBecca: I agree- me thinks he would be/is proposing to need a place to stay but only the OP knows her relationship best.

If all of that was his “idea” to a proposal—- he really didn’t want to do it in the first place. My Fiance was so adamant about NOTHING messing up the proposal and he definitely treated me so nice and attentive, even though I was being a nag and annoying, before he did it…

Good luck OP- I hope htis works out for you.

Post # 63
Member
3482 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

Sigh. I don’t know why guys think the whole “I’m going to act aloof and pretend I’m a douche who doesn’t care about my relationship or marriage, and then when she’s convinced I don’t care about her, I’ll pop the question!” shtick is a good idea.

Yeah, it’s more of a surprise, but is that worth making your girl feel miserable up until the proposal? I would really question if I wanted to spend my life with someone who was willing to do that to me.

Post # 64
Member
82 posts
Worker bee

Bees, don’t give up on giving your two cents, you all saved me from a disaster. I asked for help, I asked for opinions, I was blinded, but now I see (lol) I read, listened, took it all in so that I did not think I was the crazy one or being selfish etc., than I tt a family member after I took all into consideration and broke it off licky split !  I’m just saying that you never know when you might just be saying all the right stuff and helping someone ! It just takes some longer to let it sink in and put all the good advice to work 🙂

 

Post # 65
Member
1724 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I’m going to admit to being lazy and not reading through both pages of posts – I just wanted to point out that she said they’d gotten through the Florida debacle – and in my opinion a couple that can make it past a mess like that deserves a chance for the future. Many people would have walked, and the fact that they made it throgh that speaks volumes.  Part of being a couple and hopefully a married couple is working together through an imperfect world, full of people making imperfect decisions – if she thinks she can deal with his tendency to seem like a flake, and is aware that his idea of a surprise is possibly not well thought out, if his other qualities overshadow those which were mostly talked about yesterday, then there could be a good chance for them to be happy together.  Knowing that your intended isn’t perfect, just perfect for you is a big step people need to take before approaching marraige. 

He needs to get a better handle on how to better deal with ‘surprises’ and acommunication, but what couple actually has perfect communication?  I was hoping he’d had something like that up his sleeve, but also knew that his handling of the rest of the week and earlier in the day was all wrong.  I blame the Y chromosone there, I really think brithdays are far more important to woemn than men, somehow, and they don’t realize how much a screw up on that day is just as bad as ruining Christmas.

Dragonlover, don’t beat yourself up bout being upset, you were perfectly valid in your feelings of confusion and let down.  You now know he wasn’t trying to be ajerk, he just REALLY needs to work in his planning.  He should ahve gone FIRST to your friends and asked their help to set up a great birthday and proposal, or he should have just gone for a simply dinner alone proposal without making you feel he’d blown off the birthday.  Maybe seeing you in tears will help cement in his mind the need to think a little further ahead of what he’s planning, and also to realize that you could mistake his intentions for something else. 

As for  suspecting his timing is off, I think most guys can’t just go plunk down some cash for a ring and have it on hand without some planning, most likely longer than a 3 day notice.  Like amny guys, in his defense, they wait thill the last minute of their timeline, and I don’t doubt that her birthday AND his eviction coming up made him this was kismet – it’s the time to do it.  If he didn’t ahve ANY interst in marrying her, he’d have not shown up with the ring, he’d have shown up with excuses and sob stories about how he’s about to be homeless.  I know my guy could never in a 3-day time span go pick out and purchase a ring simply because I’d foudn something out – it’s an expensive purchase, it takes time to shop around, etc.  Saving alone can take months/years.  Also, he’d have left the friend out of the loop in trying to plan for this weekend – guys pulling tricksy things don’t usaully want the female friends around to help call BS.

I hope things go well for you guys this weekend 🙂

Post # 66
Member
2088 posts
Buzzing bee

All I’m going to say about this is:

You are definitely not the jerk here. Don’t think for one second that you are.

Post # 67
Member
2161 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I have only read page one, but agree with those saying that it doesn’t all add up.

Post # 68
Member
4544 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

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@Doubtful: I totally get what you’re saying but I think there are times when a poster isn’t willing to read and think about what all the Bees said. Obviously we don’t know the relationship and can only go on the info that is provided to us. However, I think the difference between this situation and yours is that you were willing to listen and continued to respond to the posts that the other Bees made. This poster seems pretty closed off from listening to opinions and isn’t responding to things we say.

Post # 69
Member
82 posts
Worker bee

Well, I got too much time on my hands because I curious as to what the story was and read previous post and sorry, but nothing adds up on how long they’ve known each other, been dating, there are post 2 weeks apart that state different time frames and he gave her a promise ring 2009 but she lost it, how he went on vacation to Florida, than called her as she had lost her than dream job etc and told her he was staying there, etc., now she says it wasn’t all that about abandoning her, and previous post state he asked to wait till after her bday and think one say that she lives with her parents ….sorry, I may be way off here and may take a beating on this – but, I’m wondering what the hell the real story is at this point….lol it’s time for me to move on from this one cause I got sucked in yesterday and kinda now thinking uh? lmao

Post # 70
Member
185 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I totally expected an update post like this from the OP – and after trying for a long time to put into words what I think – I give up! The original post is kind of cryptic – there’s not enough info and things don’t add up. I will say that I think this could have been avoided if BOTH parties communicated better.

Anyways OP – if a proposal is what you want – then Congrats. But as many PPs have said, I hope you discuss and work through all the issues you bring up in your posts with HIM before getting married.

Post # 71
Member
10849 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

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@Penguingal06: I 100% agree with you. I think we all post here in really extreme times: low lows, and high highs. We don’t post the every day stuff that makes our relationships tick along. Darling Husband has certainly made some questionable decisions, although typically with good intentions behind them, he just didn’t really think the whole scenario through. So to take a couple of instances of stupid decisions, douchebag moves and then say “Dump him” I think is a bit rash. Ya, this guy made some stupid decisions, but there had to be a reason the OP decided to work it through, otherwise she wouldn’t be here on the waiting boards! I’m sure there are a million reasons why she loves this man. We’re all human, we’re all allowed to make mistakes some times.

OP, I hope you find your happiness wherever it lays. I think the PPs are right, when making a life decision, think long and hard about it, and most of all, trust your gut!

Post # 72
Member
185 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Also, I totally agree with Penguingal06 & what bakerella just said.

Post # 73
Member
76 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I don’t ordinarily comment on stuff like this, and I’m still going to stay away from the stay together vs. break up conversation. I wanted to say don’t beat yourself up because I don’t see how he could possibly have wanted to propose to you last night. Men may not be great at surprises, but I feel like these things make it unlikely:

  • If he was going to propose to you and truly wanted it to be a surprise, he would have made sure to at least say happy birthday and make those simple plans you wanted in order not to arouse suspicion or make you upset.
  • He would have SPECIFICALLY asked you to come over. Him asking you if you have plans, telling you he has plans, telling you that you guys weren’t going to celebrate until ICon, etc. does NOT make sense. How can he guarantee an opportunity to propose if he doesn’t CREATE it?
  • He would have had a RING in his hand, not a CELL-PHONE PICTURE of a ring. Was he going to aim the phone at you and then propose?
  • He wouldn’t have ended up taking you out to dinner and splitting the cost with your friend. He’d either have asked your friend to give you some time together or he’d have taken you both some place really nice and paid for it to make up for the day’s events.
  • He wouldn’t have asked your co-worker/friend AT DINNER to help with a proposal he was allegedly already planning.

Did he ruin your birthday? Yes. Is he planning to propose? Maybe. Just don’t waste time feeling bad, because with this much unpreparedness and so many loopholes, I HIGHLY doubt he was planning it last night.

Post # 74
Member
2261 posts
Buzzing bee

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@bakerella: Thank you! I’ve been avoiding posting on here cause I couldn’t figure out a good way to say what I meant, but you nailed it.

Yes he lost points for acting shitty on her birthday, but really one day is beans compared to their whole relationship. I mean my Boyfriend or Best Friend has even done anything for my birthday for the past two years and while yes its hurts me (like it still pisses me off even now) it doesn’t make him a bad guy. He spends everyday making me feel special and thats whats important, and hopefully the OP’s guy does the same.

Post # 75
Member
2373 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

If you’re happy, I am happy for you.

Post # 76
Member
2023 posts
Buzzing bee

PREFACE: I didn’t read all of the responses,  I just wanted to put my two cents in because I was one of the people to tell you to go out and do your own thing since he hadn’t made an effort to make plans at that point.

That being said? I still stand by my decision to tell you that. I don’t think that you were a jerk about this in any way, he was. He didn’t do anything to justify you staying at home waiting for him on your birthday, so like a normal person, you went ahead and made plans yourself. It sounds like this guy really has a problem with procrastination (this isn’t a jab at him, my honey is the same way), and you shouldn’t feel bad about it.

I’m sorry that your birthday ended this way – but look on the bright side… you know a ring is coming! Can’t wait for your proposal story 🙂

The topic ‘UPDATE NEWS: Boyfriend’s a Jerk – Or Maybe I am’ is closed to new replies.

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