(Closed) Update. . .NOT so good news (a little long)

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
46 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2012

@soontobemrsmix:  My advice would be to talk to him–really talk to him about what he wants, how he feels, what you want, how you feel, etc.  Have it be completely open and honest regardless of what comes out.  I am sure this is easier said then done but it sounds like you both need to be honest with each other and yourselves about what you both want out of this relationship. 

Maybe you two need time apart just to re-evaluate your love for each other.  Maybe you two have grown apart? 

I, honestly, am all for therapy/counseling and truly believe that it helps.  I would suggest counseling for yourself and you two as a couple.  It is sometimes nice to have a neutral professional involved. 

I am sorry you are going through this and hope things turn out well for you regardless of what happens.

Post # 5
Member
2701 posts
Sugar bee

@soontobemrsmix: It sounds like unfortunately you should cut your losses. He seems like he has been soaking up years of your time. If you have been engaged for four years and have not yet set a date, that signifies to me that he is comfortable with how things are. He does not wish to move forward because he is so used to the way things are now. His feelings have become stagnant enough for him to emotionally cheat on you and leave you in a fog of confusion and depression. After these things happened, he should have tried everything in his power to make you feel better about the situation and your relationship. He instantly should have attempted to regain your trust, brighten up your view and break you out of your rut, since he ultimately caused it. Instead you are left with a dark cloud looming over you, which is obviously him. You deserve so much better than to be strung along without hope and treated like someone’s personal bag of garbage. Please walk away. Start taking some classes, join a gym, go out with friends, go out on a bunch of dates with interesting and kind men. But run as fast as you can from him.

Post # 6
Member
46 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2012

Oh sweetie…you are DEFINITELY meant to be happy!!

I have dealt with depression for most of my life and have been in therapy for years (maybe that is why I am pro-therapy).  My Fiance was more than willing to see my therapist with me when we were going through some issues (mostly just financial and communication issues) which just made me love him more.

Maybe before you can be happy with someone, you need to be happy with yourself.  My advice (just advice) would be to break off the engagement/relationship and work on finding out who you are and what makes you happy.  Because you do deserve to be happy!

I do not think the issues in your relationship with your Fiance are your fault completely–fault is shared 50/50 most of the time.  I don’t like that your Fiance even says that to you; however, I don’t think they are his fault either.

I do think you both need to go your separate ways.  That in and of itself, could make you feel a little bit better.  Maybe this relationship is what is bringing you down.

 

 

Post # 7
Member
858 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I wouldn’t say that you’ve wasted your time, but since you say you doubt you love him, now would be a good time to run. No point in being with someone who you don’t truly see a future with anymore. Sorry and good luck! I’m sure you will be happy again!

Post # 8
Member
1235 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@soontobemrsmix: I think you two need to sit down and talk. This doesn’t mean sitting and rehashing the same old issues. But really, sit down and talk about why he hasn’t set a date with you, why there’s a picture of a chick on his phone ??, and how this waiting has taken a toll on your feelings. If he is not interested in hearing what you have to say or keeps repeating the same old lines I would say that you have your answer…which would obviously be to leave him. You’re still young, but I wouldn’t want to waste anymore time waiting on something that just isn’t going to happen. Sorry 🙁

Post # 9
Member
14568 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

“shit or get off the pot” Your friend sounds like a wise one.  4 YEARS of being engaged and no plans to get married?  What’s the hold up?  When my husband and I got engaged, he wanted to be engaged for no more than a year.  He wanted to be married and go on to the ‘married life’ stage.  7 years together is a long time and it sounds like you started dating while you were fairly young… do you think you guys have grown and changed into different people?  Or do you think were able to grow together and become a stronger couple?  I dont think its time wasted as I’m sure you learned a lot about yourself and what you want/dont want in a relationship.  I was with an x-bf for 7 years too, and it didnt work out, but I dont think it was time wasted.  If things didnt go the way they did, I might not have ended up with my husband now.  I believe things happen for a reason.  If you’re not happy anymore with him, and think its too little too late to find happiness with him again, move on.  Be open to finding new happiness though, you deserve it.  To some, a break up, though usually unfortunate, can be liberating and happy and the start of a great beginning.  Look on the bright side, at least its a breakup and not a divorce.

Post # 10
Member
181 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Agree – sounds like it’s time to move on.  Good luck!

Post # 11
Member
3261 posts
Sugar bee

I think since you’ve had such a long engagement (4 years!) things are dulling down a bit, and when things don’t move forward its hard to keep a spark alive, and both people can start to lose interest. Talk to him, and really try to take a major step forward (if thats what you want).

Post # 12
Member
224 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I know its a difficult time you are going through.  My opinion.. you need to cut your losses and move on.  You deserve every happiness the world can give you and it seems staying in the relationship you are in will not get you that.  Good luck!

Post # 13
Member
12 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I’m so sorry you are going through all that.  I kinda agree with the other bees.  I think if you have tried everyway possible to talk to him and reason with him and nothing is changing, maybe it’s time to move on.  If it was me personally I would not try to force anything on him but explain that you are not happy with how things are and if things don’t change, you may need to move on.  Don’t use it as a threat but explain that you aren’t happy.

Also, again, in my opinion…..someone who is happy and in love doesn’t have an emotional affair.  I would never even think to do something like that however someone I know did something sorta like that and it was because something was missing, she broke up with the guy, then they got back together a few months later and are now happily married….all it took was some talking and work to make sure both ends were happy. 

Good luck and stay strong.  Everyone deserves to be loved and to feel special.  

Post # 14
Member
1405 posts
Bumble bee

I had the tough conversation with my now ex of 7 years last night.  I told him it was time to figure out if we were going to be together or not.  He chose not.  Day 1 of no contact started this morning and it is hard.  Right now I feel like I wasted my time too.  I feel stupid.  So I understand how you feel.  I am not going to lie, I hope he changes his mind.  At the same time, I couldn’t stay in this state of limbo either.  

You said you don’t think you love him anymore.   Why are you staying if you are not happy?

Post # 16
Member
7295 posts
Busy Beekeeper

i can see how after 7 years it would be hard to end things. i dont know enough about the situation or your relationship to say what you should do. but i can tell you that i have seen lots of stories of people being in relationships for years, and then after finally breaking up, the next person (or 2 or 3 people later) ends up being the person they marry happily in a quarter of the time.  and all those years “wasted” with the first person is not really a waste, its just how things happened.  specifically i can tell you i have a friend who was with her bf for 7 years, they got engaged and started planning a wedding, about a year later she called it off.  so thats 8 years with this person!  she had a few other bfs after him, then finally met someone and within less than 2 years they were engaged. they are very happily married and now are expecting a child!  Seriously, i see her life now and think wow, imagine she never left that other guy, she might still be miserable and waiting for things to get better, instead she had a beautiful wedding, is happily married and pregnant. i am just so happy for her how things turned out.  so basically, i think no matter how many years you spend in one relationship, if you get out and move on, there is still plenty of time to start over and have everything you want!  you are still so young! my friend i am referring to is now 33!

i have another friend who was with her high school boyfriend for 8 years before they finally broke up. and he wasn’t a terrible guy or anything, she just wasn’t in love! again, she is now happily married to someone else for the past 3 years and they have a baby.  her and her high school bf were planning to get married as well.

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