(Closed) Update (number 4)

posted 2 years ago in Waiting
Post # 135
648 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

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anabee323 :  I respectfully disagree with your statement about needing to investigate his reasoning with a couples counsellors. That implies there is something wrong with his view, a problem that needs to be sorted out. You would never drag someone who said “I want to get married” to a couples counsellor to look deeper into their meaning, so why should he be made to do that because he said “I don’t want to get married”? That’s a double standard.

The fact is, he was clear from the start with his girlfriend that he didn’t want to get married, and she made the conscious choice to stay with him, even knowing how he felt. It’s unfair to make him the one who has to change, since she is the one who stayed with him hoping he would.

Post # 136
1077 posts
Bumble bee

OP, there is plenty of judgment, harshness and inaccurate statements on these boards. I personally find it a bit sad, but there it is.

When it comes to other people’s opinions and advice, take it all with big pinch of salt. Learn to see it from where it’s coming from and don’t let it get to you. Sift what works for you and what resonates, and leave the rest.

Maybe you were coming here for support, rather than advice. Maybe this relationship still has some important purpose to fulfill and so it would not be right for you to leave it. It’s not for us to say. Listen to your gut, your intuition, because it will never lead you astray. Personally I think there is a reason you are struggling with this decision so much, and once you have resolved that, you will have learned something huge. You seem like an intelligent woman, so you will get there. So, it’s all good.

Post # 137
1440 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

This thread has turned into such a hot mess that does not serve the purpose that OP had for it–to receive support. To all posters: none of this bickering back and forth is serving the OP or you in any way. Quite frankly, it’s immature.

OP, I feel sorry that you are going through these difficulties, and I hope that you can find the support that you need in a place other than this forum. Perhaps individual counseling would help you figure out what is best in this situation. A lot of times it is helpful to talk to a professional to figure out where your heart truly lies and what you really want to do in the face of such a huge decision.

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neverbeenstungbee :  I can’t speak for other posters, but from what I can see anabee323 didn’t have a problem with people disagreeing with her until sunburn tried to invalidate her experience with her anxiety related to intimacy and relationships by saying that this occurs in 0.001% of cases, which as someone who also works in the medical field I find to be a ridiculously hyperbolic claim. Like indigobee said, where did sunburn get this number from? I don’t actually want you to answer this. But that’s where we went from a purely opinion thread to something that maybe should be based more on evidence. I can definitely see how PP was offended in the way that that was presented and how that essentially invalidated her lived experience, especially considering what she shared about her anxiety. I’m not saying that she should have lashed out, but that’s my speculation.

I don’t want to do a back and forth because this is ridiculous, but I did want to put my 2 cents in.

Post # 139
1184 posts
Bumble bee

OP, people who love you and the people you pay (therapists) are the ones to see for “support.” You wanted everyone here to commiserate with you, but that’s just not how it works. When strangers hear people’s stories in the news, on television, in books (fiction or nonfiction), they have no emotional bond with the people involved and pretty damn naturally pass judgment, much of it harsh. This isn’t a wonderful thing, but it IS a thing. You need to be more aware of the realities of things and make decisions accordingly. Coming here (again and again and again and updating more and more…) for support was a mistake on your part. 

Very few people are going to provide support in a forum like this because we’re not only strangers, we are seeing in a specifically unbiased way–we don’t love you, we don’t know you, and (honestly) no one here in any deep and genuine way cares about you (I have to assume). You can expect compassion to some degree, but you can’t expect a lack of judgment about your behavior, which IS in many regards foolish. Objectively so. 

I think you got what you actually needed to get: the perspective that would help you get out of a destructive situation and into a better life. It’s up to you if and when you become honest enough with yourself to hear it. 

Post # 140
1930 posts
Buzzing bee

I don’t have a problem with tough love advice. I agree with what DeniseSecunda said – support is all well and good, but you are more likely to get it from people who know you and care about you than from internet strangers, who will filter advice through their own perspective. And that perspective seems to be that 90% of the time, someone that knows you want to get married and refuses to propose, knowing it is causing you stress and sadness, is often someone best to move on from. 

We can’t expect you to like that advice, because you are in love and you don’t want it to be true. And anyone else in a similar position, like a couple people who are ‘supportive’ of you here, don’t want it to be true because it invalidates the position they find themselves in. I actually am a little upset at such people. It’s like telling an alcoholic that they don’t really have a problem because you like to drink too and you want someone to go to the bar with. I immediately think that your advice isn’t really valid because you are going through the same thing and so hearing “you should probably leave” is advice you are going to fight against. You are not objective. 

I’m sure that there are a few guys that genuinely have some valid reason for not proposing to someone after years, but if you are going there you also have to be ok with the fact that your boyfriend is a-o-k with making you miserable and eroding your self-esteem. You have to be ok with him going back on agreed plans, ok with him acting like he doesn’t realize you care about getting married, or ok with him not caring about getting married. Most women are not alright with these things, because they suggest severe issues within the relationship. Even if you get that proposal it doesn’t necessarily mean that your relationship is a good one. 

There are a lot of different people on here with different issues. Many people commenting have experienced such issues or know others who have. They aren’t always going to give advice that feels good, they are going to give advice that feels true. No one has to take that advice, but hating on commenters who take the time to give advice is just rude. 

Post # 141
1610 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

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waiting1218 :  OP, I’ll say this— the “face value” of the story is the story you told.  That means posters here are responding to things you already know and see.

“He isn’t oblivious he knows what this has done”- that means he’s making the deliberate choice to continue hurting you, not choosing you, and not committing to you. 

“you don’t just throw away 7 years of your life because someone is struggling” Exactly!  You don’t throw away 7, 8, 9 years of your life on a man just because he is struggling.  You move on.  His inability to buy a piece of jewelry or sign a marriage license doesn’t have to be your life sentence.

Post # 142
1497 posts
Bumble bee

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strawberrysakura :  
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coffeecakez :  Amen!  

There is always 1 or 2 people on every post like this, people who post a comment saying how, “People on these boards are unecessarily harsh and give advice based on their own bias so you shouldn’t pay attention to them”

hahah Honestly that cracks me up. You know what is really happening on these boards? Women continuing to believe they are all the exception and not the rule. And why do women like the OP think they are always the exception to the rule? That their boyfriend who has refused to commit for years will sudenly turn around and propose if they just wait longer? Because they are in love and don’t want to go through the pain of a break up and starting over!! SO its easier to convince themselves that they are the exception, that their boyfriend will come around. So who is really biased in this situation hu?

The woman who can’t face the situation she is in? Or the posters on here who believe in her, believe in the fact that she can find a man who is excited to commit to her and want that for her? So no, i don’t believe these boards skew towards dump him advice because somehow we are all biased based on our own experiences. Absolutely not. 

We skew towards dump him advice because after YEARS together with someone, THEY SHOULD FREAKING KNOW!!! It isn’t that hard!! Because we all know the best resource at our disposal is the ability to know our self worth, the ability to walk away when our goals don’t line up with our partner’s. 

All that has happened on this thread is something we see all the time. Another OP who initially asked for advice because she was fed up, only for her to decide she can’t cut the chord after all, and then turns around on all the people who took the time to comment on her post and slam them all because she suddenly doesn’t want to be judged for staying. 

Post # 143
7903 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2021 - City, State


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