(Closed) Update (number 4)

posted 2 years ago in Waiting
Post # 106
Member
940 posts
Busy bee

you’re already not in a place you’d liek to be. So it’d be doing yourself a favor leave now, hurt, and move on all in this perios. 

 

Otherwise, be prepared to be content in not getting married. It’s ultimately up to you here.

Post # 107
Member
698 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

I think everyone just needs to leave OP be. She has read the responses from everyone telling her the same thing over and over, and has chosen to ignore them. Which, as an autonomous adult, she is 100% allowed to do. And she did the right thing not updating, because coming back and saying the same things and getting the same responses serves no purpose and just annoys everyone. I know everyone (myself included) was trying to give good advice and save OP some pain, but she has made it clear she won’t be taking that advice (again, she is allowed to do this) so at this point she will just have to live and learn. Que sera sera and all that.

Post # 108
Member
1877 posts
Buzzing bee

I’m sorry that happened to you, bee. Since you are not prepared to leave him and he isn’t preparing to marry you, you might be better served giving up that expectation and just enjoy what you have. Eventually you will either end up with him, either married or in a domestic partnership, or ditched. Same thing can happen when married so the only thing you will be losing out on is more legal protection. Make sure you are protected just in case, and live your life. 

Post # 109
Member
138 posts
Blushing bee

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waiting1218 :  I am so upset for you! What does he have to say for himself? Does he think that in order to keep you he doesn’t need to propose because you’re not going anywhere? 

Post # 110
Member
219 posts
Helper bee

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waiting1218 :  Thanks for updating 🙂

I can understand why you stayed away from the boards. What has your SO said re engagement lately?

My SO had his counselling, it helped him,but I’m still waiting. I am just hoping he sticks to his word and asks me one day. I’ve decided that I love him and as much as I’m not comfortable living with him unmarried, I am not prepared to leave him. I personally became very depressed and have started taking medication which is helping so much! I’m no longer as anxious or consumed. I am managing to not even hint marriage, one of his things was just to let him do it in his time…. so it’s hard, but I have hope.

will you accept no marriage as a possibility or are you waiting in hope also? All the very best 😊

Post # 112
Member
10 posts
Newbee

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waiting1218 :  I can definitely see why you’ve been staying away from these boards, considering other posts. I posted a thread about my situation a week ago, and since I made it clear that I’m not leaving my SO, it seemed as if some posters were not sure what else they could say to me. Nevertheless, people were actually pretty nice or neutral to me, so I did appreciate that a lot.

From lurking reading other posts though, I think because the waiting boards to get filled with desperate posters who are so unhappy and in such bad relationships that lack basic communcation and conflict-resoluation skills, that it kind of becomes a stereotype that most/all waiting bees have that kind of relationship. And if you don’t post a bunch of details backing up the fact that you are in a loving relationship (which you are free not to do), then posters just assume that you are not, even though they don’t really much about you or who you are (other than what you have posted). So keep that in mind. Don’t get me wrong… I do think that the majority of posters and the regulars on this site are trying to be helpful in the way that they think and that they know how. It’s an internet wedding forum–so it makes sense why the advice tends to be “marriage or bust.”

It sounds like an improvement that y’all were able to have a real, honest discussion about what is going through your boyfriend’s mind. That’s really important, and it’s a step forward, even if the proposal hasn’t happened yet. I hope that it happens soon for you. 

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reformed :  The fact that your boyfriend got counseling is great! That’s a really big step. I feel like you and I feel similarly. I came around to the idea that if we can spend our entire lives together, that is enough for me.

I’m looking into finding a short-term counselor because I do think that that could be helpful for me to work through the feelings that I’m having of not being totally sure if I want marriage anymore. I think that some of the posters in my thread might be right that I’m afraid my boyfriend won’t go through with it. The ones who suggested that I want to make him hurt or have revenge are totally wrong, but entitled to their opinions. Like I said, they don’t know much about me or my bf, our daily lives, or our love. 

Post # 112
Member
1954 posts
Buzzing bee

Have you thought about seeking out individual therapy?

I don’t think there’s anything more we can do for you at this point and it seems that you’re just going in circles, saying alot of the same things you did on page one of this thread.

It’s frustating and sad to see your self-esteem eroding over this. I think you could really benefit from seeing a counselor to get to the root of your self-esteem issues and why you don’t think you deserve better than someone who refuses to marry you.

I wish you all the best and hope you find peace with this

Post # 113
Member
2706 posts
Sugar bee

When you’ve been with someone 7 years and know you want to marry them – it is not complicated or time consuming to get engaged. It’s not some logistical puzzle that needs solving and there really aren’t THAT many things that you can ‘miscommunicate.’ You get a ring, you ask the person and *pouf* you’re engaged. 

He’s running you in circles and wasting your time. Stop accepting his excuses and ask him what the problem REALLY is. 

Post # 114
Member
2223 posts
Buzzing bee

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waiting1218 :  bee, no one wants to say “I told you so” or any variation of the such. Everyone truly feels bad for you in this situation—it’s just sad because at this point, you’re doing it to yourself. We don’t understand why you continue to stay when he’s shown you that, even after 7 years, you’re still not the one…

If you were wondering, that’s the reason for his failure to commit. He doesn’t want to tie himself down to you (legally) juuust in case the *actual* woman he deems “good enough” comes along. If, and when, that happens—he will drop you like a hot potato because he doesn’t give a damn about the 7 years of youth you’ve sacrificed for him. We just want you to pick up your dignity and walk away and stop putting someone else’s needs as your #1 priority when they could give fuck all about yours 🙁 

I do wish you the best, girl. Really, I do. 

Post # 115
Member
757 posts
Busy bee

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happiekrappie :  “He doesn’t want to tie himself down to you (legally) juuust in case the *actual* woman he deems “good enough” comes along. If, and when, that happens—he will drop you like a hot potato because he doesn’t give a damn about the 7 years of youth you’ve sacrificed for him.”

Though I have not read OP’s full story, I feel like this is what OP is talking about with people being harsh and essentially saying “I told you so” (though not necessarily in those words). I get it, it’s tough love time. You’re telling the OP what you believe is true. You want her to stop wasting time with this guy because you don’t think he’s ever going to propose and your intentions are good, but hearing this kind of stuff (even from internet strangers) must really hurt.

I also am not sure if there is enough information for this kind of stuff to be said…keep in mind I don’t know the whole story here, but if the guy hasn’t said things that allude to this actually being the case, then it’s just conjecture. Could be well-meaning conjecture, but conjecture nonetheless.

For example, how do we know he’s not just a committmentphobe? Or a guy who is more immature than his years would leave you to believe? Neither of those are types of men that people want to marry, either, and it’s just as good a guess as the guess that he is holding out for something better.

Post # 116
Member
2223 posts
Buzzing bee

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anabee323 :  I know it probably hurts, and I absolutely don’t think any of us wants to be right in this situation, but it’s time to see things for what they truly are. From my experience and listening to others’ stories, people rarely fear committing to things they know they want. I don’t think “commitmentphobes” exist—we just like to call them that to avoid facing the fact that most of the time in these instances, the guy isn’t afraid to commit at all—he just doesn’t want to. 

Also, I really truly did not mean for my post to come across as an “I told you so”. One of my biggest goals in life is to *NEVER* say that to ANYONE for ANY reason, because it serves no purpose besides self-gratification. So OP, I’m truly sorry if my post reads like any variation of an “I told you so”. I don’t mean it that way. 

Take care.

Post # 117
Member
1050 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

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waiting1218 :  what happened to

We already decided we would get married in early 2020.”

Post # 118
Member
757 posts
Busy bee

 

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happiekrappie :  I guess because of my experience with anxiety, I do believe that “committmentphobes” exist. The way I think of it is that committmentphobia (anxiety about relationships) it is due to a mental health issue, which would require professional help and a committment to make life changes, just like any more severe mental health issue.

Post # 119
Member
11369 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

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anabee323 :  

Yes, true commitmentphobes do walk among us. But, not every guy who strings his gf along into perpetuity is a commitmentphobe.

A person who genuinely fears commitment doesn’t commit. OP’s bf is committed enough to be in a relationship with her.

Does he have a job?  A career? Does he show loyalty to his family?  His friends? Favorite sports team? Hobbies? Bands? Pet causes?

Most people we want to call committmentphobic actually commit just fine; when they want to. It’s just more comfortable to label these guys commitmentphobes than to consider the possibility that they just don’t want to commit to us.

When a woman willingly consecrates years of her life hanging around, ostensibly hoping for a proposal from a guy whose behavior does not reflect any real movement, it might be a good time for some script flipping.

How come a woman who honestly believes she wants to be married is spinning her wheels in wet sand? She could have moved on and found herself a marriage minded partner by now.  

Is it possible that the woman is actually the one with commitment fears? Is that what keeps her in a dead end relationship?

Not to suggest that this is happening on a conscious level. But, maybe worthy of consideration.

 

 

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