Post # 1
So those who wanted a follow up of my original thread “Moment of Truth – Finally going to find out”
Sorry girls, the bad news is that I am going to have to wait until next weekend. He begged me for one more week to process and think about it more. He says that there are times that he is ready to commit and other times he just want to live in the present and not to think about the future.
The good news is that ALL the cards are in the table. He COMPLETELY knows that it is time to make a decision, that he is putting me through the ringer with the indecision, he knows that once he makes the decision there is no turning back. He tells me that I am the best girlfriend he ever had and that he loves me so much and that his heart is breaking that he is putting me in so much pain with his indecision.
But for the 1st time, he knows the true meaning of marriage (at least my definion of marriage that I learned from my family): “Marriage is basically saying to the world officially that we have each other’s back through the good times and bad times”. He said that he never saw marriage that way.
He admitted to me that he knows I have his back right now and that I will never flake out on him. He also knows that he feels the same way towards me. I had to point out to him that the only difference is that now, it is not official. (Hope that makes sense to people)
Stay tuned and I promise to give you the update and what will happen. Hopefully I will have good news to share.
Post # 3
Good luck – I’m excited to hear your moment of truth. I feel like my guy is in the same place. I think he would be perfectly happy to just go along with things as they are. well, we’re moving in together in a few months. I think he would rather just not think about. He wants it to (in his words) “evolve.” I have given a timeline (sort of…it was once and in a heated moment). It was back in July or August of last year. I said “you’ve got one year buddy.”
I don’t know how serious he took that and I haven’t mentioned it since. Come summer, I will mention it again.
Best of luck – I think you’ll get the answer you want.
Post # 4
Good luck! I think it’s great that you put all your cards on the table and are able to talk about how you both feel so openly.
Post # 5
I’m glad that you got SOMETHING out of him!
But to be honest, it kind of sounds like HE flaked out on YOU this weekend by not having a decision for you. I don’t think that it was fair of him to ask for more time. I know we all want to give our SOs as much time as possible to come to their decisions, but if it was me having that conversation, I would not have let him so easily off the hook. I would have cried and said “I see. Your indecision tells me all I need to know about how you feel about me.”. But that’s me, the drama queen. But to a certain point, it’s true. I mean…if truly spent ALL week thinking about it, he probably could have come up with his answer. Even if the only time he spent thinking about it was the time he spent by himself in the bathroom, he probably could have had an answer.
I he comes around and you get the answer you want sooner rather than later. If he asks for more time next week, don’t let him get away with it, okay? That’s not fair to you.
Post # 6
@Mewcakes: You bring some really good points but I gave him one more week because there were some new things that we talked about this weekend that he never considered.
He has a very analytical mind. He likes to mull over, think it through but only if he has all the information. He feels that this weekend, he received a lot more new information that he has to consider before making a decision.
But he knows that I reached my limit and that he has until this weekend to make a decision. He knows how unfair this whole situation is to me and he has no more excuses.
Post # 7
Hoping for an excellent update next time you two talk again! At least everything all is out on the table now and he know what you are wanting.
Post # 8
What will you do if, come next weekend, he asks for another week?
I’m sorry, but he will never have ALL the information … that’s not possible. I’m sure that, by Wednesday, you could think of more information to offer up. Nobody will ever have all the information they need because nobody knows the future.
Since he was unable to give you an answer by the set time you requested, how will that bode for decisions that you will have to make as a couple? By giving him extra time, you’ve told him that putting you and your needs on hold is acceptable. Is that how you want to be treated throughout your marriage? Put on hold until he has all the “information”?
Post # 9
omg I was SOOO nervous/anxious to open your thread!!! i was patiently waiting!!! shocking that he asked for another week…
i could relate to your situation because I, too have been giving my guy a month to think about how to progress our relationship(mainly the timeline?). He asked for this amount of time which I happily agreed on. If he came back to tell me his thinking isn’t done, i would be very upset. It’s important that he follows through!!! I couldn’t respect that the fact that he didn’t do what he said he would, especially when he involved ME in the waiting process for this something. Our “agreed upon talk” shall come this weekend too.
I will be waiting for your update!!!
Post # 10
This is exciting that you will face this situation head on…but I would be so pissed if he asked for more time! If my boy told me he needed an extra week to decide whether or not he wanted to be with me, he would be out on his ass! If it’s that tough of a decision for him, I think I would walk away.
Post # 11
Is it just me or does anyone else think it is a bad sign he asked for more time? Also that you gave it to him. I think you are scared that he might admit he’s not ready to commit, (which is completely understandable) but does that mean if that ends up being the case that you won’t follow through with what you said?
I feel so bad that you are in this situation, but don’t let him take advantage of you. If he isn’t willing to give you what you want and deserve, remember there is someone else out there for you. Do you really want to be with someone who needs time to think about if he wants to be with you forever? I wouldn’t! If it were me the second he asked for more time I would of been gone.
IMO you need to find someone who knows without a shadow of a doubt that he wants to be with you and only you, forever! I know I’m not in your shoes but I have a friend who was, so this topic really gets my blood pumping. Every girl deserves a guy who can’t wait to start forever with them, and knows without a doubt he is with the love of his life and wants to make sure no one else has a chance with her aka a ring!
Post # 12
@krazykat12: Agree…the only possible good reason for asking for more time is if he’s ring shopping and hasn’t found the right one yet. period.
Post # 13
@socalmeli: Lets hope that’s the reason!
Post # 14
@KS240030: I will probably be the unpopular opinion in this thread, but I do want to play devil’s advocate here.
I read your thread to my Fiance, and he was a little uneasy about it. At a year and a half into our relationship, he had already told me that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. But, if I had told him at that point that he had to propose or else, he would have been gone. And you know, I really can’t blame him. Maybe because I can’t imagine telling him that or maybe I can’t imagine our relationship getting to the point that I felt the need for an ultimatum. And to be completely honest, in his words, he told me that it’s situations like this that make men hesitate to propose: the pressure, the expectation and the demands.
Maybe I don’t really understand the “waiting” aspect of things. By the time we were engaged, we had already spent a year talking about getting married/spending our lives together and were on the same page 100% about what we wanted.
From a man’s perspective, this is a lot of pressure. I understand standing up for yourself and telling him what you want, believe me, I do. But after a year and a half, giving an ultimatum like that? From what you posted, you gave him what, two days notice for this discussion? How can you NOT expect him to need more time, especially if he works? It’s a HUGE decision, and sometimes people are at different places and need time.
I feel like we’re missing part of the story; what sort of discussions have been happening before this to result in this situation? Have you discussed marriage/have you talked about this before?
In my absolute honest gut opinion, I feel like you’re being unfair to him to expect him to say that he’s ready to spend the next 50-60 years with you after giving him a few days notice to make a decision and “not turn back.”
Post # 15
Wow, true, your honest gut opinion really makes sense too.
But I beleive the OP had have discussions before. And it’s not like they are still VERY young. In a long term relationship, for any adults, it’s expected that marriage conversation come up at one point or another. So there’s no point in hiding and running away from what eventually needs to be done anyway.
Post # 16
Thank you for all your posts. It is good to get new perspectives.
@krazykat12: and @melisandescott: You are both right that there is more to the story. Yes, we had many conversations about marriage and kids before this conversation. But with both of us working full time, going to law school (him) and me with graduate program (me), we have our hands full. I know it is not an excuse but he is under a lot of pressure, with work, law school and the bar exam. In my eyes, he has a legimate reason to think it through.
We had many conversations over the last months .With each conversation, he learned more and more what it means to commit to each other. He comes from a broken home and he has a lot of psychological scars that he needs to think it through.
If it was anyone else, I would have left but there are some emotial things he has to process that needs a little more time to sort it through. He told me that it is not about me that he has a problem to commit. In his eyes, we are committed to each other. We love each other and I know I can count on him no matter what and he can count on me. It is the whole concept of marriage. For the 1st time, he understood that the only difference between what we have now and marriage is that we say in front of family and friends.
He wants to continue as is but I need marriage and he knows I reached my limit and it is only fair that he makes a decision. He knows it is time and I did not push him to think about it.
So I put myself in his shoes and I decided to give me a little more time. But I am only human and so he knows that there is only so much I can take. This weekend is it for me. I reached my limit and I am ready to face the truth. There is no turning back. I am not the type of woman who is willing to wait 5 years hoping for marriage. I deserve better than that.