- 2 weeks ago
Hi Bees. I hate that I’m back for advice because my previous posts were filled with extremely helpful and insightful feedback from everyone which I couldn’t be more grateful for, and the truth is, even though things are always easier said than done I did take a lot of the advice and tried to make a real actionable decision. Some updates happened inbetween that and of course there is never a good time to decide to end a relationship or take a break, but the timing ended up becoming worse and worse. Long story short, I’ll try to explain and sum up the latest:
I think since the last I posted, I really had tried to give it as much of my all one last time to see if I could accept everything he was now willing to work harder on and change and he was willing to propose. For those who haven’t read my older posts, SO and I are going on 10 years together. I work for the business he started and we ended up running things together all these years, and lived almost 24 hours a day together since our work and personal life was intertwined. He finally came to the realization that he messed up on not giving me exactly what I deserved in that time period (marriage, family, a normal place to live with him not in a hotel room because of business etc) and always said he was so consumed by the stress of his work as an entrepreneur that he wanted to get things situated as best as possible before being ready to handle the next chapter in personal life. Which I know was never the best excuse even though he truly believed it was. I realize I made it too easy for him and we both became completely codependent on one another in all ways. Especially since him and his immediate family were my family away from home for me.
He honestly did always show his love for me, took care of me, helped me with things, loved and embraced my good parts and my flaws, and has always been dependable on a daily basis and there for me. But, I know he wasn’t there for me in an emotional way when he saw how resentful I was becoming of waiting and waiting. He had wanted to propose in the year after I posted here last but I kept saying to him from all the times I went through so much emotional turmoil trying to get him to be on my page about timelines for future and what was important to me (our intimate life was also not where it should have been), we were not in the best place for that yet. It was like a catch-22. he never really made full out changes to try and fix things but said eventually it will get there, he promises. That he can’t imagine anyone else in his life which is true because I know how he is.. he was just a baby in a lot of ways and he’s a paranoid person about certain things in general.
Anyhow.. since then, last summer I told him it really needed to be done and I was planning to walk away and take a few months break back at home in a different city to be with my family. I still had to figure out the work part, but in the middle of figuring all this out and the logistics, some outside unfortunate incident (totally not his fault) happened that caused a major disaster almost overnight for his company. Completely unexpected that another outside company caused. Don’t want to get into detail but it truly from that point on became the most insane experience that I never saw coming. He was on the verge of completely losing his entire business and entire livelihood (having to use his savings at one point to stay afloat) and I have never seen a grown man cry hysterically to the levels that he cried every single day and night. It went on for months.. It was traumatizing for him (and me to watch him go through it because he is a good person and no one deserves to go through something like that so unfairly when he did nothing wrong) so its been heartbreaking to say the least. And that’s just on the work front alone. I already have a big heart and care about his feelings before all this happened so now, making the move to actually leave him when he had no one else to turn to to help support and get through this mess was very hard because it was like kicking someone when they’re down. I didn’t know how to proceed at that point and wanted to still be there for him, but also attend to myself somehow.
Despite all of that, I needed to have a real break for my own sanity and went home to my family still for a couple months over the Dec holidays. It was rough though. Things got worse for him.. Then the virus situation hit these last couple months, like things couldn’t have gotten even worse! I have now been back home with my family since Feb, largely because of the virus and quarantining here but at the same time, it was a much needed external force that made me have this separation I needed. It was so much pressure on me and he knew it wasn’t fair on me and even cried over what he’s been putting me through in every way, but he had no one else to turn to. At the same time though, I couldn’t just not help him. It was tormenting to watch him fall apart this badly but I know I also needed to focus on me and not base my decision just on what has happened over the last few months.. he knows he messed up with me and a lot of things, and this entire experience he said truly opened his eyes. He wants nothing more now than to do a completely change in his life, give me everything I’ve always wanted and become a different man more focused on personal vs business. He continues to beg me every day to come back and give it one last chance and tries so hard and I do believe he finally wants to make real actions happen. But for me.. no matter what he says, and I know he means it, is it still too little too late? Is it just too damaged already beyond repair?
Meanwhile I moved out of my apt (i had it always right by the hotel) and him and his family actually helped me move since I have been stuck in another state. I didn’t ask them to help but they offered and they have always been incredibly good to me so I felt even worse over it and more confused. He also helped me with my bills getting things all sorted out, etc. I’m not great at financial stuff honestly so I always needed his help. Now he’s asking what my real decision is, and I guess he still doesn’t believe or accept whenever I say I still need this break and more time for myself away now to get real true clarity. I hesitate when he says is that my final final decision.
The one thing that has made this hard again for me is this whole virus situation and the idea that life as we know it will change and never be the same for a long time.. how would I be able to move on and meet someone new now in this environment? Will it end? Will I be able to travel easily again what if a guy I meet in future who is better for me potentially is not based where I live? When can I really move on and how? I’m going to be 37 in November and know I already waited years and I shouldn’t have.. but I still had love for him, just not sure it was ever truly enough. I had my hesitations. So many questions and fears still enter my mind and I wonder if I left all this too late.. I know I should have been stronger and taken this separation when he wasn’t willing to suddenly make all these changes! And is he only really wanting these changes because he was forced to from all these external factors? He says he can’t live without me and I’m the only one who can help him get through all this and he will in turn make sure to make way more effort to make me happier again. He will do anything I ask him to do.
I still feel the right thing to do is give myself the chance to move on and see how I feel.. but trying to get over my fears especially even moreso in this environment between him possibly losing his business and girlfriend at the same time (all that mattered to him and gave him purpose) which made me so incredibly sad and guilty at the same time. I know I shouldn’t feel that way though and be strong again. I am trying my best!! Just not sure how to feel at the same time.. I am trying hard to use this transformation period for self care and slowing down and focusing on me and my own needs, which has been good, but I do owe him a real true one way or another decision here and I’m trying to stop being afraid of losing him as my safety net or whatever it is, and the uncertainty of this future and my alternatives! I know there are good guys out there and I know what I deserve all around and can find that, but have to also realize no one will ever be perfect. Trying to weigh pros and cons still. Thanks for reading and understanding and I don’t want to come across as weak, but you can’t truly imagine what it was like watching someone you care about fall apart not just because of a potential break up but I got worried for his actual mental and physical health too. It was taking such a toll on both of us.. I know it’s not my responsibility and I need to take care of myself so I do realize that.