(Closed) Update on 10 year relationship

posted 2 weeks ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
296 posts
Helper bee

Tl;dr She posted a while ago about this 10 year relationship she had where he was too focused on business and other things and wouldn’t propose even though she wanted marriage. He went through some stuff with his business that didn’t go well and she felt bad completely leaving him for it so she helped him but she did move out for a break later. He wants to try now after years of it not going how OP wanted but she’s considering it even though she thinks she needs to move on. She also did receive financial support from him when she needed it and his family helped her move. She also doesn’t know how she’ll meet someone new with COVID. 

Post # 4
Member
7639 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

So a few things that jump out to me…

you are 36 and don’t know how to pay your own bills? Uh that’s not good.

you are stringing him along, same as he’s done to you. You shouldn’t keep saying you need more time, you’ve had what, 6 months? Stop lying to yourself and him that this is just a break.  Make a clean cut and move on.

Post # 6
Member
296 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
@girltalk300:  It’s not bad to write long posts just some people won’t read the whole thing and some people will. 

I think you should move on by the way.

Post # 7
Member
633 posts
Busy bee

First of all, I would advise you not to go down the road of, “if I leave him how will I find someone else during quarantine, when will this end, will this end??” etc. because that is going to lead you into a place of desperation, which is not the place you should be making life-altering decisions from. The truth is, if you leave him and are alone for a while afterward, even if the quarantine goes on for years (which I doubt it will, but I also can’t say that it won’t), as long as the decision you make is the right one for you, you will survive. So, the matter at hand is not what you can do in order to keep yourself together and okay, it’s what you can do to keep traveling toward what you really want out of life. Life is not ending or over right now, it’s paused. Where do you want to be when your story resumes?

You’re in a particularly tough spot right now. It’s clear that you love this person, and breaking it off with someone you still love is much harder than leaving someone you actively despise. I could probably pick apart your past post for examples what a jerk he is to try to ease your mind about leaving him, but that would be comprable to patching a dam with gum—eventually you’d have to deal with your unresolved positive feelings for this person and probably feel like complete shit for having conflicted feelings, which would make everything worse. It’s okay to have conflicting feelings about the person you’ve loved and relied on for the past decade. It’s okay to want to work on things until the fat lady sings. It seems like you have been more than willing to work on bettering your relationship up until now, and he was the one dragging his feet. Now, he’s the one begging you to accept his efforts and you’re the one who’s paralyzed by uncertainty (not to mention the virus). This is a pretty common pattern in co-dependent relationships. Even when the best thing for both of you might be to go your separate ways, you can’t stand to see the other suffer or to sacrifice your comfort, so things tend to drag on in a state of limbo. And this virus is a HUGE crisis, which is naturally bringing out the shelter-seeker in both of you. The advice I would give both of you is, as crazy as this might sound, to try not to let COVID have too much influence over your decision to stay together. This might seem pessimistic, but I don’t believe that these kinds of “wake up calls” make for lasting changes (at a personal level, that is, I’m still holding out hope that they do at a political/global level!). In this case, it’s just perpetuating an already existing pattern with you guys. 

If the world were to go back to normal tomorrow, what do you think the realistic limitations or potential of this relationship would be based on what you know about your partner and yourself? Would you be content with those changes/consistencies for the rest of your life? Would a partnership with this person result in a fulfilling life for you? Only you can answer these questions. I urge you to take some time to consider them and then make a concrete decision—concrete as in no going back. No more procrastinating. No more avoiding. 

Take care, I’m sorry you’re hurting :(.

Post # 8
Member
957 posts
Busy bee

I think it sounds like you’re ready to leave, and should. If the idea of losing “everything that matters to him” is difficult for him – well, no shit. He should have taken you seriously years ago when you expressed to him what you wanted out of the relationship. When you continue to not have your needs met, you have every right to leave without looking back.  Now that his business is failing, he’s grasping at the person he knows will always be there no matter how crappy he treats you. Hard pass, dude.

You are not responsible for him – you’re responsible for you. I would cut ties now and waste no more time. 

Post # 9
Member
1799 posts
Buzzing bee

Move on already.

He only wants you back because it would benefit him and his business.

It’s pretty telling that it took a disaster for him to even realize how much he takes you for granted and yet he still didn’t propose…that disaster with his business supposedly happened last summer according to you. Coronavirus has only hit in recent months. If he claimed he finally realized how much you mean to him, he had well over half a year that he could have proposed to you 

Stop making excuses for him. You know you need to move on

Post # 13
Member
957 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
@girltalk300:  There is a difference between being empathetic and being a doormat. I understand, I really do, but you need to rip the bandaid off and stop letting this guy continue to take advantage of you. Saying you’re “empathetic” can also be an excuse to stay in a situation that’s comfortable when the alternative is the right choice, but difficult. You can do it. 

ETA: This is coming from someone who was in an 8 year relationship that sounds a lot like this one so I’ve quite literally been there. I’d tell my friends how I was feeling and I could see their eyes glaze over because they’d already repeatedly given me their best advice (to leave, obviously) and were tired of hearing me complain when I wasn’t doing anything about it. Eventually – I left. At 30. And started all over. Best goddamn day of my life. You – and only you – are responsible for whether you choose to stay miserable or pursue happiness. 

Post # 14
Member
1490 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

View original reply
@girltalk300:  honestly after reading all that all I heard was…

“He is so desperate to have you back, wants to change, can’t live without you blah blah blah…” and STILL hasn’t proposed..

OP that’s your answer. He is all talk. Move on. 

Post # 15
Member
887 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I remember your other posts, I always wondered what happened to you.  I remember there was always an excuse you had to keep supporting him, his business, living situation, years together, always an excuse you thought was reasonable to not have what you wanted in the time period you wanted them in. Now there are even more excuses.  It’s like you’re searching for reasons to stay with him.

These ‘changes’ you want and he says he will do seem the most concerning.  Don’t be with someone hoping they will change.  All these years he’s done as he wanted and promised changes, why does it seem this time he actually will?  Why do you want to be with someone who isn’t what you need already? Why do his excuses mean more to you than what he actually does?

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