(Closed) Update on 10 year relationship

posted 2 weeks ago in Relationships
Post # 46
Member
912 posts
Busy bee

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@girltalk300:  

Truthfully, the reason you are hesitant to accept what he is offering is that your gut is screaming at you that major change after all this time is extremely unlikely. And that, even if he did marry you, buy a house with you, have kids with you (and his hesitation at this stage is extremely concerning), you would still be left with a man that you had to drag kicking and screaming to do those things. And the damage that does to a relationship can be irreparable.

Your hesitation is your gut desperately trying to wake you up and get you to look at reality and get your head out of the clouds. The hesitation that you feel is reason all on its own not to go through with it. And frankly, based on everything you have written, even if he did marry you and have kids with you (which I highly doubt he will), yours is not a relationship I would want AT ALL. Not trying to be harsh, just trying to get you to see how little you are settling for here.

Post # 47
Member
940 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Girl take a stand for yourself. Every update it’s just a long sorry excuse for you not to let him go. If you choose yourself you will back like “damn I still wasted my own time because he has me like that” 

he is still stringing you along

you are close to being in a better place but you CHOOSE to love your life the hard way. Fuck him and his business he chose over you year after year. Fuck him and his feelings now that everything is messed up, he coulda had you wife’s up struggling w him but he CHOSE not to marry you.

he will find another. Just be happy for him to try and find someone else to carry the load. Please let someone else take those reigns. Because if your like “I can’t see him w no ones else” we will see you in later saying how you took him back and yes he proposed but it’s too late I hate him.

let someone else hate him. 
let yourself love yourself 

and stop telling us why it’s hard and tell us what you are going to do

 

Post # 48
Member
6915 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

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@girltalk300:  So again…he’s SAYING things and DOING nothing. Just like all your other updates. 

Post # 49
Member
2360 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

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@girltalk300:  He’s saying he’ll do whatever you want. Let’s put aside the fact that this is just another lie (and after over a decade he didn’t suddenly snap and change), and look at what he’s saying. He’ll do what YOU WANT, as in, he doesn’t want it. I’ll never understand why someone could be so insistent on forcing something that doesn’t work with the wrong person. 

Post # 50
Member
360 posts
Helper bee

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@indigobee:  I love the way you worded this. 

Post # 51
Member
360 posts
Helper bee

Can I chime in again, OP? 

 

I walked away from my laptop and came back to this post. I walked away bc of you. I walked away bc I sincerely was trying to imagine your perspective and point of view. I was putting myself in your shoes. 

 

Here’s what I concluded my thoughts with: You love him, yes. obviously, right?

But youre also very hurt and very very lost. You fear being away from him and not being able to think of his face and know that he is yours anymore. This is the part where you have to reallly really listen, though….you came onto this boards. I know some or most may come out of boredom, or to check out the next pretty ring, or give random advice….but you came on here looking for something. Let me tell you, that it can be either a VERY good thing or a VERY bad thing. 

Taking advice, encouragement, motivations and having all those reasons justified in moving forward, can REALLY help you.. These are support boards. WE ARE HERE FOR YOU. Most commenters may sound straightforward, but sometimes it takes a different way to talk to someone about something for that person to really really understand what theyre doing with their own life, and to CHANGE it to how they want their life to be. 

BUT, coming on here (which you cant undo now), and reading advice and not taking action, will leave you worse off. WHY? bc we’ve confirmed what you already know deep down inside. You came here for some sort of help, to vent, and get some answers. Youre in a serios rut. You know you want to leave, yet you also dont feel strong enough to leave yet.

Reading what we say but still ignoring us and staying with “10 year”, youre going to be a lot more miserable, resentful, hurt, and you may just settle for it as thats your life. Youre basically seeing into your future and denying what you know is inevitable if you just meander back with him.

Youll be resentful. Youll be unsatisfied, therell be a TON of ‘What If’s’, and maybe youll think back to that time you posted on these boards, remembering that in some shape or form, we were a part of your life, and you will realize that we are no longer there bc life goes on, you stayed with the guy, theres no good update, so you dont update, and youll feel that deep sense of regret, but by then, itll be way too late to go back, bc by then, itll have been another 10 years, and many of us may not even be on the boards anymore. 

Just please, spare yourself all of that. We are here for you, here is your chance to change what you think is your inevitable future. 

Many hugs, but many more nudges. xoxo

 

Post # 55
Member
887 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

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@girltalk300:  you ‘knew and believed’ this 2 years ago. And I quote you from 2 years ago

He says he realizes he’s the cause of it and puts up with my ‘meanness’ to him at times now but then says well ok look I’ve apologized for how things went in the past, I know you’ve been frustrated and have gone through a lot and I can’t turn back time, but I’m telling you that you’ll be engaged as soon as possible this year and married next year as my promise.

Post # 58
Member
912 posts
Busy bee

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@girltalk300:  

So let’s get this straight – You think *maybe* the Hawaii trip he was going to propose, and you turned his offer of a trip down because you were (understandably) unhappy with the state of the relationship because he has disregarded your feelings and timelines for so long. All of which he knows perfectly well (or if he doesn’t, you have bigger problems because then there is a major issue with his hearing or intelligence).

So, was there some reason he couldn’t have proposed at home? Is there some giant forcefield around the place where you live which prevents proposals happening so that he had to take you to Hawaii to do it? (And to be clear, you don’t even know that he was planning to do it because, for whatever reason, you are terrified to ask him.)

Listen, if I am making this sound ridiculous, it’s because that’s how it seems to all of us. You are the only one who cannot see it.

Every relationship, every relationship, has good times. Even shitty ones. Even abusive ones. Yes, even the worst relationships in the world had or even still have good times. No one would stay in them if they didn’t. No sane person would willingly stay in a relationship that was shit all the time where the partner never once, in the course of the whole relationship, showed them an ounce of love or understanding. That is still not reason enough to stay.

The fact that a relationship once had some good times is not a good enough reason to stay in a relationship that makes you feel so shit that you don’t want to go on holiday with your partner and have to stay away from him for months on end just to figure out if you still want it.

Post # 58
Member
1589 posts
Bumble bee

Wow, I remember you bee, I remember reading updates from you years ago that were some of the saddest and most frustrating on the waiting boards. And here you are again, writing the same crap about “the good times” and how much stress your bf is under and the agony of it all. 🤯💩

There have been so many beautiful stories of couples getting engaged during the pandemic or even married because the situation made them realize they don’t want to put their commitment on hold another day. Instead, unsurprisingly, you remain exactly where you’ve been for 10 years, in an endless loop of navel gazing about this jerk who won’t commit. If you were my friend and you brought this up to me again, my eyes would glaze over and I’d say “mhmm yes dear” cause I wouldn’t want to waste another breath on this lost cause.

I know people that got married, divorced, remarried and had children in less time than you’ve been pontificating about your selfish, noncommittal boyfriend. As a pp said, your boyfriend’s complete self absorption and perpetual victimhood is straight up nauseating, and your continual enabling of it is even more so. Hearing about him crying like a baby for months on end after some struggles with his business was pathetic, but hearing you defend these toddler antics — at a time when millions across the country have lost their jobs or worse and are still picking themselves up and carrying on cause they have to — that makes me want to vomit.

This is the lot you’ve chosen and continue to choose every day that you don’t gather the strength to break free and demand better for yourself. So, good luck with that, and we will stay tuned for another identical update in a few more years. 

Post # 59
Member
5785 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2017

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@emilyofnewmoon:  🥇🥇🥇I need to give this comment a pseudo-reddit gold!

Post # 60
Member
11390 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

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@girltalk300:  

The reason he’s *checking on* you is because he’s worried that you may flee.  Free labor is pretty hard to find.  Even more so when that free labor includes the perk of a 24/7 gf who will devote her entire life to making his dreams come true and ensuring that his needs are met.

He’s thinking about how long he will have to groom your replacement to get such a great bargain again.  It’ll be exceptionally difficult if he’s broke.

He has an unhealthy dependency on you and you are off-the-charts obsessed.

I cringe every time I read about how you *told* him xyz must change; he *knows* how I feel/what I want/what I won’t put up with.

Of course you will *put up with*.  As long as you are still a participant in this condemned reclamation project, you are *putting up with*.

Normally, we encourage people to talk to each other.  In your case, for the love of gawd, just stop already.  You don’t have access to magic words.  And he knows precisely how to handle you.  He installed the buttons buttons himself.

You have blown ten years of your living by living for someone else.

End it, don’t end it, it doesn’t matter anymore.  If you actually do manage to unenmesh yourselves someday, you’ll break land speed records finding someone else to latch onto and replay the same dynamic.

We have told you enough times that you have got to get professional help.  What is your resistance?  Does *he* not approve?  That would be my guess.

You are looking at signs of a toxic codependency, playing out as his panic over losing his pro bono Girl Friday (and weekends, overnights, and all major holidays).  He has had one sweet ride.

You’re reading the signs completely wrong.  You feel like his keeping tabs on you is some sort of *caring* about your well being.  Bee, he doesn’t care.  If he cared one whit about your best interests, he would have made fair and equitable financial arrangements with you long ago.  Instead, you have absolutely nothing to show for ten years of devoted service.  Nothing. Unless you count 10 years of extreme anxiety, frustration, and misery as perks.

Bee, I wonder if you have any insight into what mature love looks like.

 

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