Update on 13 year old daughter who hates me

posted 5 years ago in Parenting
Post # 3
Member
923 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

Do you have a custody order in place?  In many (if not all) jurisdictions, a child does not simply get to choose which parent with which they get to live. 

Post # 4
Member
5479 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

When I was 13 I decided to go live with my dad.  My step-dad is a first class asshole, my mom is a total pushover and never stood up for us (my brother & I) when he was being mean, so I said “That’s it!  I’ve had enough!  I’m moving in with dad!”

And so I did, I switched schools, moved to dad’s house, and realized within about 3 months that the grass isn’t always greener.  I moved back in with my mom in time to start high school with all my old friends. 

I’m sorry you’re having such turmoil at home, but maybe she too will realize it isn’t all roses at dad’s house either.  I’ll bet she comes around, maybe sooner, maybe later.  Hang in there hun, chin up, and don’t beat yourself up over her hormonal teen angst.

Post # 5
Member
4334 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@mrskisstobe:  Of course she doesn’t like getting in trouble – she’s a teenage girl.  That doesn’t make you a bad parent!

If she really has friends at her old school, then she may regret changing schools and want to change back of her own accord. Same thing with her dad – she may find out that living with him isn’t as great as she thought. If she does decide to go back to you and her old school, I would emphasize that she can’t keep switching – if she comes back, it’s for good.

I agree with PP, though – does the custody agreement give her the choice?

Post # 6
Member
2401 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@DaneLady:  I agree!!!

 

@mrskisstobe:  I commented on your first post about this and I moved in with my mom only to move back in with my dad about a month later. Honestly she will see you both have rules and the grass isn’t always greener!

Post # 8
Member
2539 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

@mrskisstobe:  I know its hard to do but you have to let her go and TRUST that you are a good parent… a better parent than your ex and your daughter will come home when she is ready

She needs this time to short out her feelings and maybe this will help her become a better daughter to you. 

My only suggestion and that you keep reminding her how much you love and that you get a jude to mandate visitation with her and some kind of consueling with you and her.

At the end of the day she, she only gets one mommy and she will realize that soon enough. Just be patient with her, keep telling her how much you love her and remember that she doesnt have to live under your roof for you to be a mom to her.

Post # 9
Member
688 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

you’re not a bad mom. your ex is just working against you and it’s making you look like the bad guy. of course she wants to go live where theres no rules, she has no academic expectations and can do whatever she wants. she’ll come back to you with her tail between her legs once she realizes it isn’t that great. trust me, it will get old quick!

Post # 10
Member
6823 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I agree with the others, you have to let her go. It will break your heart but know you will/are the better parent right now. She soon will realize that living with dad isn’t that great and will come back to you

Post # 11
Member
6212 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House

I would make sure to talk to your ex to ensure that she still has the same responsibilities, etc. at his house. Just because she lives with her dad shouldn’t mean that she won’t have to do her homework or have chores

Post # 12
Member
1935 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

@mrskisstobe:  my heart breaks for you, because it’s so obvious how much you love your daughter, and you’re only trying to show her some structure and discipline (which every young woman needs in her life.)

I used to fight horribly with my mother, and would say and do hurtful things just for a reaction. My father was a little more understanding (the “good cop”) so I naturally gravitated towards him (they were and are still married.) Looking back at it, I was acting out against my mother because I didn’t want to take on responsibility, or learn how to act mature. She was the one enforcing the rules, and I felt able to defy her (Not my father – I had too much respect for him, and being a former army drill seargent… the last thing I wanted to do was piss him off.)

Anyways, it was really difficult for a few years. I dealt with depression, issues at school, low self esteem, and an overall sense of being lost. Perhaps your daughter is dealing with some of these issues as well? It’s so common with teenage girls. 

I want to let you know that I think you’re doing the right thing. At 26, I am so proud of my mother for being firm. We have a wonderful relationship, and I regret ever having put her through any pain. She’s an amazing woman, and if I grow up to be half the wife and mother she is, I’d be happy.

My best advice is to let your daughter go be with her father for a time. Forcing her to stay will only build resentment. Be there for her, but not obsessively so. You know her – bring her to a movie she’s been dying to see, or go to dinner once a week. If you do end up having her on weekends, give her the attention she needs. Perhaps she feels left out after you got remarried?

I am not advocating that you give her a long rope to misbehave. Correct when you need to, but try to make interactions positive. Don’t bribe her with “if you come home, we’ll go to place xyz.” If she’s home, say “hey, haven’t you been wanting to see movie abc? We should go.”

This whole thing made me think of a story my grandmother told over christmas. My mom was a lot like me as a kid, and would run away on occasion. After one particularly bad fight, my mom announced she was leaving. What did my grandmother do? She said “ok, I’ll pack you a lunch.” And she did. And my mom got 1/2 way down the street and came running back.

She’ll come back to you. 

Post # 13
Member
1685 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I think that perhaps she may have been acting out at you because of something going on at school.

The issues that she’s been having don’t seem to be related to you or her life with you.  It seems to tie to her school.  Something might be going on there, and having no other outlet, she’s been taking it out on you.

While I think she should be able to try out a new school, I think you should go in and talk with the teachers and administration and see if they’ve notiecd anything fishy. 

I’d hate to think she is being bullied, but it’s definitely a posibility you wouldn’t want to ignore.

Post # 14
Member
873 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

A bad mother would be glad to get rid of this child! You do not sound like a bad mother at all. I agree with PP in that, she sould have some time with her dad and see how she likes it there. She will probably be back before you know it.

You should also talk to your husband about their relationship. Sometimes people like to tease only because they can’t think of any other way of having a relationship or communicating with someone (like a teenager). He might not know how much his teasing bothers her.

Post # 15
Member
2907 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I’m so sorry this is happening to you. I’m not a parent so I don’t have any advice, but I am positive that you are not a bad mother. Teenage girls are especially hard on their moms. I know I put my mom through absolute hell when I was a teenager, and we have a great relationship now. She was always a good mom, and I wish I could make it up to her! But from the ages of 13 to 16, we fought like cats and dogs. Not because of anything she did wrong, but because I was a jerky teenager. 

I definitely think you’re making the right choice not to keep your younger daughter from her dad. Tit for tat never works out well. 

I think the best you can do is see her on the weekends, remind her how loved she is and do your best to be patient. I wonder if some individual therapy might help you work through all of the things you’re feeling right now. Sometimes it’s good just to have an objective person to vent to. But please know that you’re not a bad mom and this isn’t your fault at all. 

Post # 16
Member
3583 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@mrskisstobe:  You may have already posted about this on your last thread but have you three (you, daughter, step father) sought counseling?  The reason I bring this up is that your daughter seems very sensitive and as an adult, your husband should realize this and stop teasing her.  Further, the fact that your husband wants to play games using the other child as a pawn leads me to believe that he just doesn’t ‘get it’ and needs to understand that these children are at a very vulnerable stage and he could induce permenent damage to his relationship with everyone involved if he keeps this up.

Yes, she’s 13 and appears to be acting like a brat.  However, her point is valid.  If she’s uncomfortable around your husband that is an ISSUE that cannot be ignored or brushed off that she’s just being a teenager.

Lastly, I think you and your husband need to be big kids and get together with your ex and discuss a good plan for custody and how to help your child through this transition.  Use his feedback to make your house welcoming, less dramatic, and she’ll want to spend more time with you.  If your ex is just a douche, remember that he is coming at this from the same place you are: he loves her very much and just wants to make sure she’s okay, so he’s going to do whatever he thinks is best to make that happen.  He is not your enemy, he is your ally in coparenting.

xo

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