update on cookie and dog trainer

posted 4 weeks ago in Pets
Post # 121
Member
11140 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

kaitlyn8298 :  

Wow, a whole family of dog idiots.

Dogs bite with their tails wagging all the time.  They run in more than run drive at a time, often conflicting drives when it comes to aggression in pet dogs.

Send them some videos of police K9 take downs so they can observe the tail action.

How it is you want to marry this guy and into his family is quite the mystery.

The red lights have been blinking furiously.  Proceed at your peril.

 

Post # 122
Member
3249 posts
Sugar bee

You still have way more than just a “Cookie” issue going on. The blantant disregard for your feelings, the belittling of those feelings, and the shaming you should be enough to have made you lose all respect for these people. 

What would you do if we were talking about your kid in this thread? And your in-laws and SO just let out a dog even after you EXPLICITLY told them your conditions on that child being there – the dog is locked up for your entire visit? Would you finally get the picture that this is more serious than Cookie and you?

They have a total lack of respect for you, is it really a surprise that Cookie picks up on that? He has waaaaay more issues than just that, but their attitude towards you is only feeding and encouraging his. 

You really need to see this as more than just a dog issue. These problems run way deeper than that. You’re setting yourself up for a life of being disrespected, especially over important matters. 

Look, we have 7 dogs. They’re trained to hold a down stay no matter who comes in the house. But if I know someone is FEARFUL of dogs, not just hesitant because there are so many, they get removed from the room. Dog fears are a real thing. Even if someone isn’t afraid, my dogs don’t all bumrush someone at the same time. One by one they are allowed to greet, so the person can get acclimated in their time, however long that takes. I would NEVER tolerate my dogs rushing anyone walking in my house other than my husband and I. They don’t even do it for our son – maybe when he’s older and taller than them and can give them a command if he chooses, but right now? No. When the baby walks in, their bellies hit the floor. No questions asked. 

Don’t ignore this bee. 

Post # 123
Member
449 posts
Helper bee

I agree with PP’s that this is bad and you really should reconsider marrying this man/his family.

Story time – our dog died on Easter. We knew we wanted to get a puppy but we had travel plans so delayed until August. In June there was an organization that needed a foster for a dog. Our home felt empty and they agreed to keep the dog when we traveled in July so we said ok.

The dog was super sweet to my kids and loved me (I work from home so dogs spend the most time with me). The dog also loved my husband and would cuddle and interact normally with him… except at night.

The first night we had him the dog was sleeping in the kids room. My husband walked down the hall towards our bedroom and the dog ran out growling and nipped his leg. He had jeans on and it wasnt a hard bite but we were concerned. The next few nights the same pattern continued. My husband thought maybe he startled the dog so he called him out with a treat and walked slowly to give the dog time to adjust…. but every night the dog would nip at my husband.

As much as it broke my heart because this was a very sweet dog otherwise – we had to call the rescue and let them know we couldnt keep this dog. It wasnt fair to my husband to get bit every night. And I also have children so I had to consider that at some point my kids might do something that triggered this dog and he could seriously hurt them. It was very hard to turn this dog in to the rescue. We wanted to help him and provide him with a loving home, and we had just lost our beloved dog a few months prior.

The rescue understood and we gave them several days to determine the best placement. They fully disclosed these issues to the person who ended up adopting the dog. She was a single woman who lived alone – probably the best fit for a dog like this, and they agreed to do behavioral training also.

Your Fiance and his parents suck. You deserve better. Being an adult means making hard choices and your Fiance in particular has failed at every step in this process. Save yourself and end this relationship.

Post # 124
Member
23 posts
Newbee

I’d move. You don’t need to make a permanent decision about your relationship right now, but obviously telling your fiance how serious the issue is hasn’t worked, so you have to move on to showing him. I’d tell him that his continued disrespect for your feelings and your safety has got to end yesterday. Cookie can’t be part of your life. You could maybe- with a LOT of effort- rehabilitate the dog, but I don’t think your emotions and bite-related trauma are fixable unless you see a therapist, and I don’t think it’s a worthwhile investment for a senior dog who should’ve been rehomed LONG ago. 

If he continues to try to have his cake and eat it too, I’d seriously break the relationship up. I can understand loving an animal, but this has gone way too far for far too long. 

Post # 125
Member
1384 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2019 - USA

Oh, hell no, OP. The fact that your fiance did not stand up for you to enforce boundaries rightfully put in place for your safety, makes clear that he just like his parents, does not respect you at all. It appears he really does believe this is YOUR fault somehow and chooses to allow his parents to belittle you in front of him. How cute for Cookie to bark and bite at you, it must be because you don’t like him enough. Silly you for being scared, just let the dog out anyway! Does he really think it’s YOU that needs to try harder? Complete disregard for your feelings. I’d be SO out of there. This is a huge breach of trust, and of your safety. 

Someone who does not stand up for you, and furthermore does not even understand WHY you need to put boundaries in place, does not respect you. I highly suspect he and his family think they are somehow superior to you and that is not acceptable, period. 

ETA: Please please please… look for a place and move out. End this relationship. This is hugely indicative of what these people really think about you- I have no room in my life for people who don’t respect me. 

Post # 127
Member
1384 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2019 - USA

kaitlyn8298 :  He is normally supportive, your biggest fan, forgiving etc, EXCEPT for when it comes to your safety and respecting you? Do you realize how HUGE of an exception that is? It’s not a small thing. Safety, respect, and trust is an ABSOLUTE must-have. There is no amount of good behavior that could make up for that exception, if it were me. It’s kind of like saying, “my husband is so supportive, caring, and forgiving, except for when he hits me.” I know that’s a pretty extreme comparison, but really, in both scenarios the woman is getting hurt. Boy, bye. 

Moving out is 100% the right call. However I do think you’re being really generous to try to work things out w him outside of this- if it were me I’d be fucking done. He’s had so many chances to make this right. 

Post # 128
Member
1266 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

kaitlyn8298 :  Red flags everywhere. Mother-In-Law passive aggressively mentioned Cookie all through dinner and minimizes this dog literally breaking your bones to you “not liking him.” Father-In-Law belittles you and lets the dog out, completely disrespecting you. They both gaslight you and call you crazy for being afraid of a dog that has been violent towards you. And Fiance just sat there through all of it with his thumb up his ass. The issue is no longer Cookie and fixing the issue with Cookie does not fix your relationships with these people.

I agree with pp. I don’t think it matters that your Fiance is normally a nice guy. He has completely failed to support you when it matters. Your health matters, your wishes matter, your concerns and happiness matter. But they don’t matter to these people. How can you ever trust your Fiance to stand up for you and be a partner to you after this?

Post # 129
Member
1629 posts
Bumble bee

I just want to reiterate that this dog bit you hard enough to BREAK A BONE. 

Let’s pretend that this isn’t a dog. Let’s pretend that this is your FH brother, Steve. 

Steve lives with you and your FH. When FH is around, Steve is always trying to take FH’s attention away from you, he disrespects your relationship, he makes rude comments to you, and gives you mean looks. You feel super uncomfortable with him around. When FH isn’t there, Steve’s behavior turns menacing and you are afraid of him. You tell your FH that his brother makes you uncomfortable and afraid and you don’t want him to live there anymore. Your FH ignores Steve’s behavior and tells you that you just aren’t being nice enough and have to try harder. You give Steve compliments, you try to hang out with him one-on-one. It’s not working. You bake Steve a cake and he takes a few pieces so you hope things are getting better, but they aren’t. One day, Steve attacks you so violently he breaks a bone, then goes to FIL’s home to cool off. You go to the hospital, tell your FH that you don’t want to be anywhere around Steve anymore. In response, your FH tells you that Steve isn’t moving out but he will build a bedroom in the basement and Steve will stay down there when FH isn’t home to supervise. 

Finally, after many fights, FH agrees that Steve shouldn’t live there anymore and instead stay at the FIL’s. You think it’s been resolved. You go out to dinner with the Future In-Laws. During dinner, Future Mother-In-Law keeps talking about how great Steve is, how he volunteers with so and so, how he is so great with neighbors, how he’s such a great guy and she can’t understand why you don’t like him when you are sitting there WITH A SPLINT BECAUSE HE ATTACKED YOU. 

They invite you over to their home and you say you aren’t ready to see Steve, you don’t feel safe around him. They tell you that Steve is home but he’s just going to stay in his room. You reluctantly agree. When you get there, Steve is yelling down the hall that he doesn’t feel he should be staying in his room, this is HIS home, you are a guest, he’s pissed, this isn’t fair. Your Future In-Laws say, “well fine then come out”. Steve literally RUNS out of his room STRAIGHT at you and yells at you. You scream and are terrified and everyone tells you to relax, Steve is fine, he’s not going to hurt you, he only yelled, calm down. 

If Steve disrespects your relationship and is rude to you FH should be telling him he is no longer welcome in the home. If Steve ATTACKS you FH should be throwing him out. If Steve has been violent with you in the past then FH and his family shouldn’t be downplaying that nor expecting you to just ‘get over it’. They shouldn’t treat your very real fear as hysterical. To behave otherwise is just crazytown. People make excuses because this is a dog. A dog they love and feel they also have to protect. But if you replace dog with a person I believe the danger, the gaslighting, and the abuse on all sides here is truly revealed. 

Post # 130
Member
374 posts
Helper bee

strawberrysakura :  

Yes, this really does bring perspective to the situation and points out how absurd the fi and his parents have been.

Post # 131
Member
2098 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

kaitlyn8298 :  I understand how hard it is to leave, and I don’t mean to be confrontational, but I honestly believe you won’t. And that’s your decision! This is your life. The problem is not the dog though, and I do think you might be telling yourself you don’t want to end your relationship over a dog. The problem is that your FH has shown that in some scenarios, he does not have your back. In some scenarios, he will take his parent’s side over you. He can and will prioritize his own wants over your safety. That’s huge. It doesn’t matter that this particular scenario involves a dog. It only matters that your FH doesn’t respect you enough to back you when you’re scared, hurt, and in danger. That won’t change. 

Post # 132
Member
1384 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2019 - USA

NikkiBee18 :  Honestly I would have gotten up and walked out of that dinner the second she started saying all that stuff with Fiance just sitting there. I don’t understand how OP can be so generous with these people that have literally not earned it from her at all. 

strawberrysakura :  This is an amazing analogy… Sadly, I don’t put it past any of them at this point to assume they wouldn’t allow this from a family member either. 

Post # 133
Member
1686 posts
Bumble bee

kaitlyn8298 :  i am just seeing your latest updates now. Whoa. Your in laws are assholes to put it mildly. And what is your FIs problem? What is so hard about this situation? You and the dog don’t mix. End of story. Their taunting of you and then allowing the dog to come at you like that is abusive. Never leave children with these ppl. They are complete asses.

Post # 134
Member
8859 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

knotyet :  

That is all very true . You are right I think, in that OP feels she is leaving ‘over a dog’ but it is much more than that ( not that dogs aren’t  worth leaving a man over over of course) 

Post # 135
Member
571 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

People are dog crazy.  Your Fiance, your in laws, and at least 50% of the replies to both of your main posts about this issue on this board. 

Dogs are animals, not divine angels.  

Dog aggression is not always 100% the fault of owners.  I hate when people say that.  Yes some people train their dogs to be aggressive, and some dogs show aggression as a response to fear, but other dogs have aggression in their DNA.  I have an aggressive dog (though only with other dogs) and she went to puppy school, was socialised from a young age, has seen several behavioural therapists and vets, she’s well trained otherwise. There was nothing we could do to remove it from her.  It’s an instinct, a drive for her.  

But anyway, the argument over who’s fault it is as to why Cookie is the way she is, is irrelevant.  The fact remains, she is now a dog who has attacked and bitten someone, unprovoked.  She has decided that attacking humans is a viable option for her.

She should be put down, though I understand this isn’t your call to make.

Honestly, if I were you OP, I would find it difficult to get over the disdain you have been treated with by your fi and in laws, over being the victim of a dog bite.  I think getting your own place for a while is the right idea. 

 

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