(Closed) update on crappy in law issues

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Hostess
18643 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I’m suprised that he didn’t defend you.  It sounds like he has a hard time standing up to his family member.

Is there any way that you can say something to his parents the next time they say that?  Tell them that it is unappreciated and rude and that their son needs his ‘deadbeat wife’ to go to work so that he can afford to go to med school.

Post # 5
Member
612 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Why didn’t you stand up for yourself? The next time they make a rude comment address it right then and don’t let it slide. Also, don’t wait for your husband to come to your defense since it sounds like he won’t when it comes to his family.

I’m sorry they are being jerks. As far as asking how you can change your husband…you can’t! The only person in this world you have the ability to change is yourself. I wouldn’t stay quiet the next time his family is being rude, even if it does cause a fight. They need to know you won’t be putting up with it anymore.

Post # 7
Member
5263 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2012

That’s awful! I despise when people preface something like that as a joke. If you’re going to be rude, at least own up to it, you know? 

I’m sorry that your husband didn’t stick up for you, either. Is he perhaps a bit like my fiance, who kind of half pays attention and processes things after the fact? Either way, I think you need to both have another talk with him reaffirming that what was said hurt, but his lack of saying anything IN THE MOMENT hurt just as badly and you need to make a commitment to yourself to not stand for his family treating you that way. Even if you have to be offhand about it at first – “oh yeah, because working full-time to support my husband in med school AND finishing up a four year degree is no biggie for me – I’m just that good.” 

Post # 8
Member
1154 posts
Bumble bee

He seems to be having a really hard time with this – can you think about it in terms of helping him?  It’ll give you another incentive to stand up for yourself – because once you speak up it’ll be easier for him to speak up and support you.

You should say something like – ah well you guys didn’t provide him with a trust fund so I have to slave away putting him through med school, aaaa, too bad you guys couldn’t afford it! i would so love to only be going to school and not be working to support him aaaw – it’s also a ‘joke’ and so they shouldn’t take offence. 

But if you absolutely can’t stand up for yourself – stop seeing them.  It is not unreasonable to tell your husband that you’re not going to put yourself into a situation where you know you’ll end up miserable and sad – therefore no dinners no vacations no nothing. 

Post # 9
Member
1317 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Aww … that was horrible! I can’t believe he would “joke” in that way, especially to a stranger. It was inappropriate and hurtful. I think you should just bring everything to the table – tell them how you feel. This has gone on for too long and it really sounds like there’s some sort of misunderstanding. I know you want to keep your finances private but you just need to tell them that you would absolutely LOVE to finish school ASAP and go one with your original plans but it’s absolutely NOT possible because you can’t afford it. Then explain why you can’t afford it. I know it’s none of their business but if they just understood why, perhaps they would cut the crap and be a bit more sensitive towards you.

Tell them that by constantly asking and reminding you hurts – not only because it highlights your sacrifices, but because they make you feel like you’ve done something wrong — when you should be friggen commended for being selfless and doing what’s best for you and your family!

I don’t think it’s right for you to keep all this in! If they have the gall to say all those things, it’s only right for them to understand how their careless words affect you! They are supposed to be your new family … like it or not, it’ll be best for everyone to bring things out in the open. Bringing it up now to them seems appropriate after that recent “joke”.

It seems like your husband doesn’t know how to deal with this, but regardless, you definitely have to stop this, with or without his help. This is affecting you too much to let it go on! Now if they continue the rude comments even after you have a talk with them, that’s an all-out different story.

If you do talk to them, please do it in person so they can see and fully understand how hurtful they’ve been!

Post # 10
Member
58 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Ugh, I am sorry. You should not be treated like this at all. Your husband sounds like he is willing to change, but needs a bit of help doing so.

Next time this happens, look at your husband, smile sweetly and say “They are calling your wife a deadbeat, honey, what do you think about that?”

Give him a heads up that this is what you will do to help him stand up for you.

Post # 11
Member
2788 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

Wow, I cannot believe your Future Father-In-Law would say such a mean comment.  Sometimes it can be really hard to stick up for yourself with the in-laws – I sometimes have trouble with this also.  Maybe your Darling Husband is worried/nervous/intimidated to say something to his family about the situation.  It isn’t an excuse though.  Maybe he can talk to them on the phone and tell them that what they said over the weekend was mean, offensive and untrue – and calling it a joke doesn’t take away that it was a painful comment.

Post # 12
Member
762 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Ugh! How rude. I agree with lilyfaith that Darling Husband sounds like he was maybe not fully paying attention or was just caught off guard. FH is like that too. Could you two think of something for him to say next time, or could he sit down with his parents and talk to them about it?

Post # 13
Member
1317 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I have to add that many people simply do not understand the effort and sacrifices that are made by the significant other of a person pursuing a career in the field of medicine. My ex-husband was working towards becoming an orthopedic surgeon, with a specialty in sports medicine – one of the longest paths! I was supporting him, and like you, had to sacrifice my plans. I remember a time when we attended a very posh wedding and everyone there was pretty well-to-do, yet no one was doctor. There was a certain someone that made me feel like I was lacking in some way, because at the time, I hadn’t finished school yet, and working full-time, while studying part-time, to support us. But then I met the groom’s grandmother, and upon our first meeting, she said, “so you’re the one that will be working hard to support him.” It was like a breath of fresh air she said that in front of everyone too!

That ex ended up being an idiot and cheated on me (and I am very glad it ended when it did or else I would never had met my wonderful Fi the way we did) but my point is that most people won’t understand your sacrifices or that you even have to sacrifice unless they personally know of soemone that’s taken the same career path.

His family is supposed to lend some emotion support for you(!). Every demanding career requires the full support of friends and family … you’ll be helping him, they’re supposed to help you.

Post # 15
Member
1104 posts
Bumble bee

I’d be so disappointed at your husband too for not standing up to them. My response would probably be something like “I’m hardly a deadbeat, I’m supporting your son to go to school so if anyone’s a deadbeat it’s him living off my hard earned money” – it’s not true but you could say it in the same “joking” way they called you a deadbeat and see how they like it then 🙂

Post # 16
Member
2867 posts
Sugar bee

This is what needs to happen now.  In the next week, your husband must call his parents and explain to them that they are not to make those comments again.  If they do, you two will walk out.  It’s uncalled for and completely immature.  If he wants to make good with you then that’s what he needs to do.

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