(Closed) Update on mom's wedding day actions

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 18
Member
12 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@anonbee4040:  She’s offering you excuses.  That sucks that she won’t even admit her behavior was terrible.  As a PP said, some people don’t have mothers that act as they should, I am one of those people.  It took me a lot of years to realize she was never going to be the mother I wanted her to be.  I am in my 40s and she is in her 70s and she is still the same. She’s very selfish and nothing is ever her fault, always someone else’s.  The lengths she will go to rationalize things are amazing sometimes.  Mother will say “it wasn’t my fault, and that was in the past, get over it.  You are the bad one for not just forgiving me.”  And turn it around on me or one of my two sisters.  But I am of the opinion that forgiveness starts with the guilty party asking for forgiveness by really recognizing what they did.  If that does not happen, there can be no forgiveness.  There can be ignoring but not forgiveness.  That’s an overused word.  Don’t let it consume your life but you don’t have to gloss over it if you don’t feel she is being sincere.  Speak to her when you are comfortable doing so.  If you feel you can’t have Thanksgiving dinner with her without making it uncomfortable for everyone, either don’t go or agree that that subject is off limits unless she is ready to admit her lapse in judgment.  Let some time pass and see what happens. 

My sisters and I gave my mother many chances and her behavior was never such that we trusted her to say or do the right thing.  That cost Mom some pretty important moments.  My sister did not feel she could invite her own mother to her daughter’s wedding because she could not trust her to be on good behavior and not say or do something stupid.  I offered to be Mom’s “bodyguard” and make sure she didn’t do anything crazy but Sis said, no, she would rather not even have her there so she wouldn’t have to worry about it the whole day and night.  Mom had not earned the right to be there.  No one has the right to be invited anyplace where they pose a risk of ruining the occasion for the principal parties.  SHe had been warned before that if she continued to act the fool she would not be included in family functions.  That prophecy finally came to pass.  I hope very much that you are able to have that conversation with your mom and have her come to an understanding of how much her behavior hurt you.  But it’s not something you can rush.  You’ll know when you can speak calmly about it.

Post # 19
Member
2297 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

@anonbee4040:  that’s a bullshit apology. 

a real apology is ‘i am so sorry that i made your day about me, and that you felt stressed and embarrassed by my behaviour. i should have been there for you in x, y and z way and i’m so sorry that i wasn’t. i love you and regardless of my behaviour, i loved your wedding, i’m so sorry’. 

 

my parents taught me that an apology with even ONE excuse weaseled in there isn’t an apology, period. you either own up to your actions and sincerely apologize, or you pull a ‘sorry if you FELT blah blah blah’ garbage one. i’d stand your ground.

Post # 20
Member
12244 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

Ugh. I hate fake appologies!

Post # 21
Member
1287 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Are your parents having problems? Is it possible she was subconsciously punishing him somehow, which is ridiculous of course, given the situation, but something I could see some people I know doing.

Post # 22
Member
3025 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

View original reply
@anonbee4040:  Well, then my hope for you is that she eventually realizes she owes you a proper apology. Since you two are so close, she will see not only what she did to you, but also what she lost out on herself. 

Side note: Well done to your dad!!! 😀

Post # 25
Member
853 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I think she owes you more than an apology.  I think she owes you her getting help for herself.  The fact is that regardless of what excuses she wants to offer, she’s claiming that she was stressed and turned to alcohol to relieve that stress, but went way overboard.  That’s a huge red flag.

She’s offering up excuses because any real evaluation of her actions will likely make her incredibly uncomfortable, especially because of your fathers history.

Since addiction runs in your family, I think you should all be extra vigilant.  My grandfather was an alcoholic and it killed him, and both my father and I have addictive tendancies (and there is a lot of substance abuse on his side of the family) so we have to be extra caution when it comes to alcohol or prescription drugs, or really anything where we might start to abuse.

I don’t really have any advice.  But if she hasn’t realized on her own that her actions were unacceptable, then I doubt she will.  But yeah, I do think she needs help.  Regardless of if it was out of character for her (but again, her not having to be the responsible one is also new), she clearly went overboard, and that’s really troubling.

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