(Closed) Update on my previous waiting vent

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
180 posts
Blushing bee

Did he tell you why he doesn’t want to get married?

Post # 3
Member
23 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: February 2018

You obviously know him better, but from what you’ve posted, this doesn’t sound like a guy who wants to get married. At the end of the day, someone who is excited to marry you wants to have these conversations, even if there are disagreements on timetables and exact circumstances.

I think you need to have a conversation, when you’re both calm–maybe even scheduling time in advance so you both have time to reflect. And when you come together, you both have to be truthful about where this relationship is heading and if those views can be reconciled. But from what you’ve posted, I think you have to be ready for this conversation not to go the way you want, which is admittedly scary. 

What does worry me is that you seem to want to know why he changed, why he apparently kept information from you, etc., as a type of closure. It’s understandable, but speaking as someone who has dwelled too long on the whys and what-ifs of relationships, only you can give yourself closure. Rarely if ever does someone come up with that magical, satisfying answer that you’re after. Ask him once, but he may never be able to give you the answers you need and it may very well be up to you (maybe with the help of a therapist) to make peace with that.

Post # 6
Member
437 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

People who want to get married, don’t say “I don’t want to get married.” I think his true colors came out during that fight. He might have put things off up to this point with the hope of suddenly wanting to get married or with the hope that you would let it go.

It sounds like you should be prepared to walk.

Post # 7
Member
306 posts
Helper bee

I agree with PP. You don’t just say something like “I don’t want to get married” when it isn’t true. I think you need to ask yourself – if you love him and you want to spend the rest of your life with him, does that include whether or not you’re married? Does it include if he only gets married because you pressured him? Even if he did propose now, would you feel good knowing he only did it because he was afraid you’d leave?

Post # 8
Member
182 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019 - City, State

Been there, done that person. My ex told me a year or two into our eight year relationship that he didn’t want to get married or have kids. For the first year or two, he did want those things. There was a shift in his family life that negatively affected his mental health and he made the decision that he didn’t want marriage or kids anymore. But I still did. It broke us up for a few months but I convinved myself we were still young and maybe as our relationship progressed, so would his mindset. He was adamant about not wanting those things anymore, and still I stayed. I hoped he would change, I expected him to. We argued a lot. I was jealous of my friends’ relationships because they were with people who wanted the same things and I wasn’t with that kind of person. But here’s the rub, my ex was honest with me. It doesn’t matter that I was resentful or tried to convince myself that I didn’t need those things. That was my choice. It wasn’t fair for me to expect him to change for me and it wasn’t fair that I made myself try to change for him. We just didn’t want the same future, and it’s one of those situations that brings to life the saying, “sometimes love isn’t enough.” It took me way too long to end the relationship. We grew even more attached and in love over eight years, but at the end my feelings for him had changed, because I had grown tired of the fight and I knew there was a life out there for both of us that would be more fulfulling.

Your journey might end differently, but remember what you want and don’t expect someone to change their mind. People are who they are and that’s okay. You shouldn’t be expected to change either, and if you both want that from each other, you’re not really accepting each other. My SO now wants what I want and we established that early in the relationship, and it’s such a relief not to worry about these convserations. We talk about them freely, rather than me feeling like I’m manipulating the conversation or walking on eggshells. Wishing you well, Bee.

ETA: My ex did end up proposing seven years into our relationship. First words out of my mouth were, “Are you sure?” I was happy, but couldn’t help wondering if it was the pressure I put on him. We were engaged for a year before brekaing up and zero wedding plans were made. He didn’t want to deal with it. And now that the relationship is over, I realize what a blessing in disguise that was. 

Post # 10
Member
1002 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

Men aren’t that cryptic. If they say that they do not want to marry you then they do not want to marry you. 

Post # 13
Member
1002 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

You also don’t want to marry someone who is marrying you as a favor. 

Post # 14
Member
2944 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

I have a bit of a different take on this, as I am marrying a man who I know full well is only marrying me because it’s what I wanted.

Not everyone cares about marriage or views it as important, and that’s OK. But a good partner will always put the wants and needs of their partner first. In our case, if I was indifferent about getting married, we wouldn’t be getting married because he is quite happy with our life together just the way it is and doesn’t feel the need for a piece of paper and a party to “validate” it.

He’s not wrong, but neither am I when I say I want to get married because calling him my husband *does* mean something to me and bringing our families and closest friends together to witness our commitment to our life together matters to me, and he gets that. So we are getting married.

The decision whether to get married or not is one that should never, ever feel like a winning or losing situation. It should be about both partners putting their best efforts in to build a positive and fulfilling life together. I would be incredibly hurt if my fiance told me he did not want to marry me, because what he’d really be telling me is that he doesn’t care about the things that are important to me if they’re not important to him. I know full well that he is pretty much indifferent about getting married, but he certainly doesn’t make me feel bad about what I want or make me feel like I’m forcing or guilting him into it. He chose of his own accord to ask me to be his wife because he wants to make me happy for the rest of our lives and he knows that calling him my husband is an important part of that to me.

If your boyfriend is actively resisting getting married, he damn well needs to explain WHY.  If, for whatever reason, he is dead set against getting married then unfortunately I think you need to part ways because otherwise you’ll be sticking around in a relationship where you always feel like your wants and needs come second. If he is simply indifferent to it, you need to help him understand why it is important to you and he needs to get his ass in gear and commit to marrying you. If he is like my fiance and basically sees it as “all I care about is that we have a good relationship” then he should have absolutely no issue with getting married if it is important to you.

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