UPDATE on the Bee who’s been WAITING a DECADE

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 46
Member
296 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

Oh man. This again. A PP mentioned how you’d given yourself a walk date of July. You keep pushing that back. You HAD said you were going to wait and then REJECT him regardless of when he proposes…

Sorry, what? 

Your screaming in his face sounds incredibly abusive. I know you are resentful and hurt, and I think those emotions are totally valid. That being said, someone cannot be abused or bullied into proposing to you. If he wanted to, he would have by now. 

Clearly you are not going to walk away, which is your perogative and your choice only. Just reminding you that IS what you said before, AND you said you were going to reject him. I agree that a marriage should not be based on a glimmer of hope, but you love this man and insist on hanging on. Stop bullying him. You have your mental walk date. It is up to you to gather your strength to leave him. We can’t make you.

I don’t necessarily believe that you’ll walk, but I hope that you do sooner rather than later. That said, I think we are now beating a dead horse. 

Post # 47
Member
222 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Forget the proposal.  You said : Us not living together is like feeding this relationship tiny doses of happiness when this happiness dissipates quickly because we’re so mad at each other from this whole waiting process.  How are you accepting of that?  To not live with your significant other after 10 years surely seems reasonable to me.  I truly believe when a man is in love, your happiness becomes the priority. Tiny doses of happiness that dissipate quickly?  That’s what your’re ok with?  No one should be on this emotional rollercoaster.  Sorry you have wasted your time, but I do not see a marriage in your future with this man so it’s probably best to move on.  A proposal is not the end game my dear – a happy mariage is.

 

Post # 48
Member
317 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

beelinetowhere123 :   

On one hand, resentment and frustration whilst waiting for a proposal is normal and natural. I’ve had my share of tiffs with my dear bf just because I’m getting impatient. But when he tells me to calm down, and that it is coming, I trust him. We still have a happy, loving relationship—if not maybe more so because I’m trying to savor the last months of being “just a girlfriend.”

 

As so many other bees have said, saying your own relationship is emotionally toxic is quite telling. You have a few options and of course you can take or leave our advice. I’d suggest getting into therapy, preferably couples therapy. I’d also suggest coming to terms with the fact that even if he does propose, this may not be a happy/healthy relationship. While it’s completely fine to want engagement and marriage, neither has the power to transform a relationship that is already dysfunctional.

Post # 49
Member
5816 posts
Bee Keeper

nifer317 :  Yeah, good point. Nothing about this is an update, it’s just more of the same. I hope OP will at least consider what everyone has almost unanimously been trying to tell her in these last few threads.

Post # 50
Member
6353 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2009 - New York, NY

We are responsible for building our own happiness, not anyone else.  You are choosing to cling to a “glimmer of hope” by staying in an admittedly emotionally toxic relationship.  Your unhappiness is your own doing, so you’re screaming at the wrong tree.

Post # 51
Member
497 posts
Helper bee

Dump this guy and GET OUT!!!

Post # 52
Member
497 posts
Helper bee

PS Have you considered seeing a therapist to help you figure out why you think this 10 year situation  is okay?

Post # 53
Member
140 posts
Blushing bee

…….. I am still trying to understand how this conversation of waiting a decade is still going on…………. undecided

Post # 54
Member
62 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

Girlfriend, I read most of your last thread too. The time for simply saying “soon” was 8 years ago. He is full of SHIT! Screw him for putting you through this. 

Post # 55
Member
1127 posts
Bumble bee

Oh bee, I’m sorry to hear you’re still going through this.

I have to be honest though and mention that if he is like this about getting engaged, it will repeat itself – chances are he will put off the wedding, moving in together, having kids (if you’re planning to have kids that is)…etc. If he is that much of an indecisive hesitant person, why shouldn’t it apply to all those milestones too? This is just the first in a string of struggles you are going to have with him.

Post # 56
Member
117 posts
Blushing bee

You don’t need to update us. You need to update your life. How many more years are you willing to put up with this?

Post # 57
Member
5 posts
Newbee

Getting engaged and getting married will not magically change your relationship. I was in a relationship with my daughter’s father for almost 4 years. When we had our daughter we still were not engaged or even close to being engaged so I whined and begged him to propose until he finally did. And when he finally did it, it didn’t feel right at all. I had basically forced him to do it and I ended up calling off our wedding several months later. It was hard, especially since we have this beautiful little girl together, but it was the smartest decision I had ever made. I realized that it wasn’t really him that I wanted, it was the perfect little family that I was chasing after. I was like you, angry and emotional and giving ultimatums and I ended up getting my proposal, but it wasn’t real or genuine. I think a lot of people have said it and they are right, if he hasn’t proposed now then it won’t happen or if it does it won’t really be real. I am now happily engaged to the man of my dreams and my daughter is in a healthier environment now, because I moved on. You will find someone who will love and cherish you one day. Good Luck!

Post # 58
Member
8980 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

RosePark :  

This is a kind , brave and positive story – I do hope OP takes note.  

Post # 60
Member
93 posts
Worker bee

But sometimes I feel there’s a glimmer of hope

it seems to me you’re more fixated with getting married than marrying the right person!!! seriously??? marriage is not a walk of hoping things will change… its a journey all on its own… 

 

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