Post # 1
So yesterday I posted about wether I should have my biological or stepfather walk me up the aisle and perform all of the ‘father of the bride’ duties. You can read about it here:
The response was unanimous in that I should choose my stepfather, so I did. He and my mom live in Louisiana and Hughie (my stepfather) is really not that great with technology, so I had to ask him over the phone. I called him up and after some initial ‘are you sure?’s, he said yes! It was such an emotional moment. Hughie is a big, tall, tough looking guy but I could hear him crying over the phone, I cried too. I’m so glad that my mom and I have him in our lives, he’s the best father a girl could ask for.
Now however, I have to get down to the icky part. I swore my mom and Hughie to secrecy, so my bio dad knows nothing of this. Now I need to find a way to tell him. As I said in my previous thread, I’m his only daughter and the first of his kids to get married so he’ll be crushed when I tell him he’s not going to be walking me down the aisle. I know it’s for the best, but I’m totally stuck when it comes to how to break the news. Any ideas of what I should say?
I’m also not 100% sure about where he fits into my wedding in other ways, too. I’m not sure that I want him as a guest either, and don’t know if I should invite his wife and kids as a courtesy or not bother? What do you think? My bio dad’s wife was very cruel to me, especially when I was a teen, and she tried to stop my dad seeing me as a child. My half brothers were also pretty nasty, but they were only children and brought up to hate me.
Post # 3
@Ruby-Redshoes: the past is the past. And you shoudnt let it hurt you.
the choice has been made your step father will walk you. I would suggest be kind to your father. You never know what will happen with your children husband…..and if you ever make mistakes you do want them to forgive you.
He is your father in the end. He has clear interest in participating so dont cut him out. Invite him and his wife. Even if she was cruel. This is how I see it. Of course it is your choice in the end. Ask your father what song he wants to dance with you at the wedding. Even if you have a father daughter dance with your step father. Ask your dad before you tell me him that your step dad will walk you. Invite your step brothers and sit them all together in the same table. Ask him if he would like to invite a friend. Tables are usually for 8 or 10 people. So That sorts itself out. Do give him a nice table.
During the reception go say hello spend 8 minutes with him and then enjoy your night. Say goodbye before you leave. Your step mom…you wont even notice that she is there.
Post # 4
As far as invites go, take the high road and invite all of them. You’ll look super forgiving and magnanimous, and they probably won’t attend if they really hate you that much, so win-win.
As far as telling your dad, I wouldn’t spend too much time worrying about sparing the feelings of a man who sounds like he views you more as an accessory than his daughter. Maybe I’ve gotten an overly negative impression, but that’s how it reads to me. A good dad wouldn’t let his wife or sons be cruel to his daughter, period. I would just say something along the lines of, “Dad, I know you had mentioned wanting to walk me down the aisle. I wanted you to know I’ve decided to have Hughie walk me down the aisle at my wedding. But I’m really looking forward to celebrating with you and (whoever they are) that day.”
Post # 5
I think, as an “olive branch” to your father, you should invite his wife and children (after all, they are your half-brothers). (Note, you might need to invite their gfs if they have any). Not because the wife deserves it, but because that is the most comfortable situation for your father. They can then decide whether to attend or not. I think, “You’re not walking me down the aisle but you’re all invited” is an easier pill for him to swallow than, “You’re not walking me down the aisle and if you want to attend your wife can’t come”.
I don’t really have any suggestion on how to tell your father he’s not walking you down the aisle, sorry. You want to say that Hughie’s been there for you when he hasn’t been, and his family excluded you, but I don’t know how to say that politely.
Post # 6
One simple rule – invite whom you wish. If your half-siblings are nasty towards you, then why invite them? If your bio father’s wife made it difficult for you to spend time with your bio dad, then why invite her? You described WHY your bio Dad made you feel like a second-class family member, then use that to explain why to him. Of course you can be more tactful if you like. Since he is not contributing to the wedding, there really is’t much he can do. I would probably e-mail him or write a letter simply stating that you believe Hughie deserves the honor because he has fulfilled the role of father much better and that your bio Dad being “blood” is NOT enough of a reason to have that honor. Yes it will be difficult; but from what you described, I think your bio father will not be crushed for very long.
Post # 7
Your bio father would have to be oblivious not to realise that his and his family’s treatment of you has made it an non-traditional father/daughter relationship. I would tell him that you chose to have Hughie fulfill this role because of the important role he’s played throughout your life. You can say you don’t want him to be upset or have his feelings hurt, but you want to have Hughie involved because he has always been there for you.
You might want to think about what you want from him, wedding-wise and also for the rest of your life. Do you still want to maintain a relationship with him? I think if you do, an invitation should be extended to him (and his wife, because regardless of her unpleasant treatment, she is your father’s wife). She may not attend, but you’ll have been the bigger person and extended the offer. On the other hand, if you don’t have much interest in continuing a relationship with him (and certainly many people wouldn’t blame you if that’s the case, especially given his and his wife’s treatment of you), I would not extend an invitation to any of them and leave it alone.
Post # 8
- Wedding: August 2014 - South Bonson Pier & Community Centre
after asking him to help financially and saying that his wife would have a fit, i’d barely want to invite him! it doesn’t sound like the wife would be receptive to being in the same space as your mother, or to “have her nose rubbed into” your father’s infidelity. She sounds awful. If you did invite her, she probably wouldn’t come. I wouldn’t spend the money on inviting all of them (an entire table for people that made you feel horrible? no thank you). I’m sorry you had to deal with that growing up. If it were me, I wouldn’t really tell him that he’s not doing the FOB duties, just let him figure it out on his own.
Post # 9
@bbfyso: it sound like you want your bio-dad to have some role in your wedding (if for no other reason, but to not rock the boat), so I like the idea of having a Father-Daughter dance with him (and Hughie if you want).
But you just have to be honest with him, “Dad, you know we’ve had a very unconventional relationship and your wife still has difficulty with my existence. I love you, but you havent been there all the time for me. For this reason, I’ve ask Hughie to walk me down the aisle. But I’d still like to do something special with you. How about a Father-Daughter dance?”
Post # 10
@KoiKove: thank you, but I am no the one with the problem I am not the bride I have zero daddy issues. I love my dad. He and my mom are happily married. You want to reply to @Ruby-Redshoes: She is the bride from the post
Post # 11
I think you’re doing the right thing. I would probably take the high road and invite him and his monster of a wife, but maybe when you address the walking-down-the-aisle-issue you can just say something like, “I’ve chosen to ask Hughie to walk me down the aisle, but i would really love if you would do a father daughter dance with me” or something along those lines (provided that’s something you’re interested in). I don’t think you should feel bad about what you want. It’s clear who your real father was growing up and I think it’d be an insult to him, your mom, you, etc. if you tried to pretend for a day that your bio father was the one worthy of walking you down the aisle.
Post # 12
I’m so glad that you chose Hughie. I have read everything on both posts and it seemed to me like you were much too worried about your bio dads feelings and not nearly concerned enough about your REAL dads feelings. Great choice made.
I think you need to be straight up with bio dad, tell him you don’t mean to hurt his feelings, but Hughie has been there for you all your life, the dad that he couldn’t and wouldn’t be. You deserve to have the right man walking you, not the one who feels entitled because he got your mother pregnant under false pretenses and then spent most of your life pretending you didn’t exist.
You owe him nothing, you owe Hughie everything. Your bio dad seems like even if he did get the honour he wouldn’t really care, and would probably just go back to talking to you whenever his wife allowed it. The man you will forever think of as your dad is the man who deserves to walk you, and whose feelings matter the most.
The bitch inside of me feels like bio dad deserves to hurt a little, hasn’t he hurt you enough?
As for the invites, I don’t know what you SHOULD do, but I don’t think I’d waste the ink on the names of the rest of them, they don’t deserve the thought.
Post # 13
@Ruby-Redshoes: This is so so painful when you should be planning parties and deciding on candles not on how to handle tough family matters. 🙁 It just sucks. ((HUGS))
But, we are adults and this is the ucky part. Standing up and doing what’s right. I also agree with PP’s – you need to invite the fam and the bros too. They will be guests and if you feel comfortable with the idea – I would still seat them with your family. (I will have my step-mother sitting up next to my mom regardless of how she treated me when I was a child, just as a personal choice and because she has changed since then).
I think having a song where you dance with him is a good idea. It doesn’t have to be during the father/daughter dance, it can be after all the dancing has started.
As for *how* to say it – that is the most difficult part. Maybe start off with asking for the address and letting him know that you are sending the invitation for the whole family. Hopefully, this sets the conversations off in a good tone and sparks him to ask how you are doing with planning or how things are going…at which point you could say something alone the lines of ‘well, I called hughie and he has agreed to walk me down the aisle’. I don’t know your father – so I am clueless to the response he will have, but at least it gets the conversation started.
You have mentioned how Hughie was a huge part of your life while your dad wasn’t. You could tell your dad that this is something that you felt like you had to do to repay him for being the father he never ‘needed’ to be. Maybe you could tell him it was a hard decision to make when she ‘has two wonderful men to decide between instead of one, like most girls’.
My stepdad is walking me down the aisle as well. My father will not even get an invite. I don’t know your exact pain, but I do know how awesome it is to ask your stepdad and hear his joy and overflowing excitement over the decision. 🙂
Post # 14
@bbfyso: Whoops sorry!
@Ruby-Redshoes: see #8. that’s meant for you
Post # 15
I think you should invite your biological father and probably his wife as well, but you don’t have to invite your half-brothers unless you want to. I think it would be a good idea to dance with him as well as Hughie at the reception, but have the special father/daughter dance reserved for Hughie, who is your real dad.
Post # 16
I think your bio Dad should be able to enjoy the day and have his partner there for company. I do NOT think you should invite his 2 sons if you have no contact with them anymore and they were mean to you!