- 5 years ago
- Wedding: December 2010
Hubby and I just returned from the elopement and I have much to tell you. Please go potty, get a drink & a snack, and have a comfortable seat because you’ll be here for a while if I can tell you half of what went down. I’ll try to keep it to only the day before and day of the elopement in the interest of time, space, and my sanity.
So a few weeka earlier, Groom wanted a relaxed bachelor evening of steaks, cigars, scotch, and conversation with my Hubby, Bride wanted to hit the strip club. I explained to Bride that I wasn’t up for the strip strip club, and offered to take her for a spa day, to the salt vault, a pole dancing class, dinner & drinks, comedy, show, etc. She said she understood about the club & was leaning toward mani-pedis & cocktails & would let me know…
So, it’s the day before the wedding, around 3:00pm & Bride (as she’s been doing for 2 days) disappears into their bedroom while Groom is hanging with Hubby & me in the living room & we’re enjoying cheese, fruit & crackers. Bride enters the living room & we have the following exchange:
Bride: I hope you won’t be upset.
Hubby, Groom & I are waiting and she just stands there.
Me: Why would we be upset?
Bride: My friend from work, Betty, is at the airport & it’s too expensive for her to get a room tonight, so she’s gonna stay here tonight. She’ll sleep on the couch.
Hubby & Groom are sporting blank stares…
Me: Um, yeah, that’s not cool.
Bride: Well, she’s already on her way & it’s just for tonight. She’s cool.
Me: Maybe she’s cool with you, but we don’t know her. She’s a stranger to us and it’s not okay to just invite a stranger to stay with us. Besides, that means that we can’t use the living room & the patio.
Bride: Oh well – and she goes back to their bedrrom and closes and locks the door.
Hubby pats me on the knee and tells me to remain calm, he’ll talk to Groom.
Hubby: Groom, Dude, this isn’t cool.
Groom: Man, I had no idea; this is the first I’ve heard of it. Let me go talk to her.
After about 5 minutes…
Groom: Betty’s cool, you’ll like her. It’s just for tonight; she has a room for the other nights.
Hubby: No, it’s not cool. This isn’t a condo where just you & Bride are staying. We paid our share, we gave you the master suite since you’re getting married. We aren’t okay with this.
Groom: Well she’s already on her way so it’s done. She’ll just be on the couch tonight.
Hubby: Then give her your room & you sleep on the couch. I don’t want a stranger in the common area and she’s not using our bathroom, which is located outside our room since we gave you the master suite. Let her sleep with Bride, you take the couch; we’re not sharing a common area or a bathroom with a stranger.
Now there’s a knock at the door & Groom opens the door to a 50+ woman with grey hair. Betty looks like a sweet librarian. She hugs Groom, walks in, drops her suitcase and heads straight to the kitchen and pours herself a cocktail while bitching about Spirit Airlines. She downs three drinks before ever saying hello to us and then introduces herself by saying how goodlooking Hubby is and trying to hug him, feel his muscles, etc.
Hubby: No. This. Is. Not. Cool.
Bride enters from bedroom, collects Betty & disappears back into the bedroom.
Suddenly, both Groom & I are feeling awful. We’re throwing up, have diarrhea, chills, etc. Turns out we ate some grapes that hadn’t been washed properly and both of us are suffering. I go to lie down & I am basically sleeping, vomitting & sitting on the toilet in between swigs of Pepto. At about 8:45 I return from the bathroom to a series of text messages from Bride:
Do you wanna go to the strip clujb with me & Betty at 10:00?
A limo is picking us up. $40 each. I know you’re uncomfortable with this but I want you to go with us. I’ll protect you
5 minutes later…
Well, I had to give thlem the info for our pickup time in the limo & included you. If you don’t come I don’t want to eat your $40 but I guess I’ll have to. I really, really, really, really reeeeeeeeallly want you come. We’re getting dressed now.
Keep in mind, this woman is in the same condo as I am. She never even asked how I’m feeling, didn’t bother to come knock on the door… I reply back that I’m still feeling sick. a few minutes later, a knock on the door. I open the door to find Betty in a spangley dress, drunk and saying she’s here to collect my $40. Hubby just closes the door. Now Hubby is really angry, but I tell him no. let it be. I decide to get dressed & go with them because having a sick person along on your bachelorette night has to be a fun thing & I don’t want Bride to eat the $40…
Now, I didn’t bring any “club” clothes, so I throw on a sundress & some some sandals & make it out to the living room by 9:55pm. Betty is swigging more scotch and slurring something I ignore. !0:05; 10:15; 10:25; 10:30… I knock on Bride’s door & she informs me she’s not ready yet & she changed the limo to 10:45. 10:45 comes & Drag Queen Barbie emerges in a sequined dress that for whatever reason barely covers her crotch & is missing about 30% of the sequins.
We head downstairs to enjoy our limo ride and there is no limo. Bride texts the driver and a circa 2002 SUV approaches… A guy rolls down the window & tells us to get in. I’m stunned. I reached to clutch my pearls, but realize I left them upstairs as I didn’t think they were appropriate for the strip club. So now we’re riding in the hoopty as the driver tells us the club was pretty dead when he left to pick us up, but he hopes we’ll have a good time & also, he works for tips so please tip him generously.
So we arrive at the club and the parking lot is empty. We enter and I pay cash for myself & half of the cover for Bride. Betty pays the other half in cash & then gives a credit card for her cover charge. After they’ve charged her card she gets worried about her husband seeing the strip club on the credit card statement and wants them to reverse the charge & she’ll pay cash… 15 minutes of drunken argument later, Betty relents and we’re ready for the show…
There are 7 other women in the entire club and the stage is empty. We sit down and a waitress informs us there’s a 2 drink per hour minimum & drinks are $15. I tell her I’m the designated driver, so my minimum is waived. I buy a drink for Bride and we wait. Ten minutes later, some dude who looks like he wandered in from the busstop approaches and puts his arm around Bride and caresses her breast. Another Greyhound guy approaches me and asks, “Do you want to buy a lap dance?” I reply, “No thank you.” He leaves in a huff.
Now we’ve been there 40 minutes & no one has danced & the other women have left. I buy Bride another drink while Betty alternates between nodding off & chugging drinks. Finally, Busstop Man takes the stage in some gym shorts & a tee shirt. He wanders around the stage for a moment, takes off the shirt & then approaches bride. He puts her hand down his pants then humps her face. He approaches Betty & kisses her hand and Bride jumps up & yells: “SO YOU KISS HER HAND BUT YOU PUT MY HAND ON YOUR DICK!?!?!?!?!? WHY AM I GOOD ENOUGH TO SUCK YOUR DICK BUT NOT GOOD ENOUGH TO BE YOUR GIRLFRIEND? WHY DO GUYS WANT TO F%$# ME BUT NOT TAKE ME OUT??!?!?!?”
Sad Danceman looks like a deer in the headlights. He stops mid-gyration and runs off the stage. Bride is now crying hysterically — it’s an ugly cry with snot bubbles and everything. Betty is slumped over the bar & I’m trying to comfort Bride when the music stops and the stage lights go off, the house lights come on and Sad Danceman has his shirt on & is carrying a dufflebag as he sprints to the exit. The waitress tells me we have to leave; the dancers are done for the night. Now I get Bride to the restroom and slap Betty a few times. We finally get to the exit to get a “limo” back to our hotel, and we’re told all drivers are out & we’ll have to wait outside in the heat at almost midnight until a driver can come. Betty is spread eagle on the sidewalk seemingly passed out and suddenly sits up & says, “I’m outta here. I got a room at the Stratosphere” and jumps into a taxi.
Bride is now quietly sobbing as we stand outside and all sorts of unsavory characters approach. Most would move on after being rebuffed, but one special snowflake was stuck on stupid and wouldn’t just leave us alone. He’s drunk and trying to touch & hug me. The club employees just watch. Finally, the hoopty comes to pick us up & I get the driver to get Bride into the car. Special Snowflake is now calling me a stuck up b!tch & says he should’ve raped me in the parking lot… Just then I remembered the stun gun in my purse, so I left him in a puddle of his own urine.
Bride cries all the way back to the condo & now looks like Sad Hooker Barbie or maybe Tammy Faye Bakker. Hubby & Groom are surprised we’re back so early and as I begin to tell Hubby about the hoopty & the less-than-average-looking dancers, Bride plasters on a fake smile and says I’m exaggerating and the guys were great & we had a great time, before disappearing into their bedroom alone.
Hubby & Groom ask me what really went down and as I am recounting the experience, I get angry. Hubby calms me down & Grooms apologizes for Bride. I go to bed after praying for patience and deliverance from my own temper.
I’ll put the big day in a separate post…