- 3 years ago
- Wedding: December 2010
So now it’s the big day… Here’s a link to part 1 if you missed it.
The ceremony is sheduled for 4:00pm. We’re supposed to be there 30 minutes early to take care of business & the chapel advised Bride that if they’re more than 10 minutes late, their ceremony will be bumped to the next available slot & they’ll be charged an extra $100…
At 10:00am, Hubby and I are at the dining room table having pastries and cofffee. Groom emerges from the bedroom to join us.
Me: Groom, I hope you’re feeling better; my stomach is still upset. How is your fiancée this morning?
Groom: I dunno; she’s sleeping.
Me: You might want to wake her. She should eat a little something & then get started. She said she needs at least 3 hours to get ready & also, you have to pack & check into your hotel room. She wants to get dressed over there (the hotel is across town in the sleazier area — Bride booked it)
Groom: Okay. (he eats & then goes to their bedroom)
We hear a bunch of shouting and then groom emerges to head into the kitchen and begins making a grilled cheese sandwich. Bride appears from bedroom.
Me: Good morning, Bride. I hope you’re feeling excited for your big day!
Hubby: Bride? Are you awake?
Groom:BABE!!! Why are you being like this?? This is rude!!!
Bride: I’m not speaking to the person who ruined my bachelorette *pout*
I look around the room beecause I know she doesn’t mean me.
Bride: YOU’RE JUST JEALOUS!!!!!!!! YOU JUST HAD TO RUIN MY NIGHT!!!
Hubby grabs me and shushes me before I can say or do anything.
Hubby: Groom, come get your girl before my wife does.
Bride starts crying again and runs to bedroom.
Groom finishes making grilled cheese & takes it to her. I send Bride a text that grilled cheese might not be the best breakfast on her wedding day…
Groom returns and apologizes for Bride. She *texts* him that she wants another grilled cheese sandwich…
I get showered and begin doing my hair, laying out my dress, etc. Hubby is relaxing & Bride & Groom are in their bedroom. Every few minutes we hear sobs and shouting, so we decide to divide & conquer and try to counsel them. Hubby takes Groom for a walk & I enter their bedroom to approach Bride… The room is FILTHY!!! There are empty potato chip bags on the floor, an empty vodka bottle, clothes, shoes, makeup & hair extensions all over the floor. Bride is on the bathroom floor ugly crying and applying drag queen lashes between sobs. She’s working on a bottle of whiskey now.
I’m in shock. I try to ignore the room and I sit on the side of the tub to talk with her. I ask if she’s nervous? Having cold feet? I tell her this is the time to talk things out before walking down the aisle & I’m here for her. I tell her to just let whatever it is out and we’ll deal with it…
Bride: I DON’T KNOW WHY I’M CRYING… I LOVE HIM AND I KNOW HE LOVES ME. IT WAS HIS IDEA TO GET MARRIED. HE WANTED TO HAVE A BIG WEDDING AND I SAID LET’S ELOPE TO VEGAS —
She stops abruptly, sobs loudly then says:
“I THINK HE’S ONLY MARRYING ME JUST TO GET MARRIED BECAUSE HE’S OLDER AND THAT’S WHAT PEOPLE EXPECT. BUT THAT’S OKAY, I’M ONLY MARRYING HIM BECAUSE I USED TO F&%$ HIS BROTHER BUT HIS BROTHER WAS NEVER GONNA LEAVE HIS WIFE BUT I WANT TO BE PART OF THE FAMILY SO I STILL GET TO SEE HIS BROTHER!!!!! I WAS GONNA RUN AWAY TO VEGAS & MARRY HIS BROTHER, BUT HE WOULDN’T LEAVE HIS WIFE SO NOW I’M MARRYING HIS BROTHER IN VEGAS.”
Now it’s going on 1:00pm. I’m trying to pick my face up off the bathroom floor as she’s applying lipstick like Bette Davis in “Whatever Happened to Baby Jane.” I don’t know what to do. I start cleaning to diffuse my nervous energy. After a few minutes Hubby texts me to say we need to leave for the hotel to get dressed. Bride says she’ll leave when she’s good & ready and begins collecting hair extensions from the floor. I text back saying “She’s not ready.” Bride tells me she’s fine & will take care of herself; she says I should get my stuff ready to go to the hotel. My stuff is packed, so I’m gonna do my makeup because I don’t know what else to do. Hubby is in our bathroom & Groom is trying to get into their bedroom to shower and get dressed… Bride won’t unlock the door as I sit at the dining room table applying makeup and listening to her sob over sad country music.
Hubby exits the shower & puts on a tee shirt and shorts and bangs on Bride’s door. He tells her to open it immediately and have her bags ready if she wants to go to the hotel; otherwise, let Groom in to have a shower because he needs to shower whether they get married or not. We hear the door unlock & Groom enters. We’re scared for him. He collects his stuff & goes to our bathroom. He tells Hubby “She’s alright; we’re still getting married.”
Now it’s 2:00. Hubby, Groom & I are dressed & ready. Bride is locked in their bedrrom again and Groom is knocking back rum like it’s water. They elect me to approach Bride and as I approach the door, it opens and she appears in a towel ranting about why we aren’t at the hotel yet and she doesn’t want Groom to see her until the ceremony. I explain that now, there’s no time to go to the hotel; she needs to get dressed here & Groom will have to keep his eyes closed. She’s ugly crying again and makeup is running down her face. She asks me to help her get ready. So we have 90 minutes to get her dressed and she’s telling me how much she misses sleeping with Groom’s brother. I realize the bad grapes didn’t make me hallucinate that & excuse myself. I grab Hubby & tell him this info & Hubby says, “Groom already knows… His brother introduced them. He wants to make a hoe into a housewife. So go get her dressed.”
I’m speechless. As I head back into their bedroom I’m praying; I’m not sure exactly what I’m praying for at this point, but I think Jesus is needed here. Bride is now applying hair extensions and packing on layers of makup. She has a contour chart and is violently swiping makeup on her face. I gently tell her we need to move this along and she glares at me. Now she puts her 450° curling iron into the synthetic hair extensions and the smell of burning hair permeates the room as the extensions melt into her hair. More sobbing. I’m trying to extract the melted extensions from her own hair.
It’s 3:15 and she’s gonna put in some more extensions. She’s not dressed so I ask if I should lay out her dress & her jewelry. Now she’s giddy & tells me the dress is in the closet in the garment bag. But I don’t see a garment bag!!! I scan the mess of a room, move things around on the bed, look under the bed — no garment bag. I approach slowly and explain the problem. She puts down the extensions and calmly walks over to the closet and picks up a *garbage bag* from the floor and flings it on the bed. She returns to the bathroom and continues applying hair extensions.
I open the garbage bag & pull out what I can only describe as a white onesie. It’s a backless halter top with a neckline cut down to her navel. There are some multicolored sequins sewn on the neckline and I notice some random snaps on the back. It’s wrinkled and sad-looking, but it’s not my wedding ensemble so I press on. I ask where her jewelry is and she points to a shopping bag. There’s a tiara, earrings & a necklace that look like they came from a gumball machine. She’s curling the hair extensions now & asks for her tiara. She’s pinning it in with rhinestone bobby pins.
Meanwhile, Hubby is knocking on the door to tell us we need to leave. It’s 3:30 and it’s go time!! Bride starts sobbing again because she doesn’t want Groom to see her. Hubby is really pissed now and he brings her a bathrobe & tells her to wear that over her dress & get moving!!
Now Bride is finally ready to put on her jumpsuit. She steps in and puts her head through the neck. I ask about her underwear as all I’m seeing is nipples and a tramp stamp — “I’m not wearing any!” she announces. Now she’s having trouble zipping the onesie because the zipper isn’t under her arm or in the front… it starts underneath her rump & zips up over it to her waist. I assist and that zipper is truly a STRUGGLE ZIPPER. It takes a while, but I finally get it zipped. She decides she needs one more sparkly bobby pin and as she reaches up to place it in her hair, I hear the sound of a zipper splitting. I look down and all I see is white fabric, a tramp stamp and a whole lotta ass!!! She begins to cry again and starts yelling for me to fix it. I’m trying to unzip it but the struggle zipper is STUCK!!! Hubby is at the door again saying Groom is having a nervous breakdown and we need to leave NOW!!!
I say another prayer and the zipper moves!!! I get the onesie off and put the struggle zipper back on its track. She now tells me that the tailor’s alterations were unflattering to her behind so she altered the bottom herself to make it more fitted. Well alrighty then! She steps in again, I struggle with the zipper and she barely moves before the zipper splits again. There’s the tramp stamp again, and she’s ugly crying. She throws herself on the bed but it’s covered with clothes, shoes, boxes, and potato chips so she slides off the bed onto the floor. Groom is now banging on the door & sounds like he’s crying about missing his own wedding.
I’ve had enough. Prayer isn’t helping my nerves so I take a page out of an old Hollywood movie & snatch her off the floor and slap the taste out of her mouth!! OMG it felt GREEEEEEEEAAAATT!!! She immediately got quiet and just stared at me. I threw the bathrobe on her, grabbed her shoes & purse and pointed her toward the door. She’s sobbing as we get to the elevator and when the door opens, a bewildered family exits the elevator and tells us to “Just go!!!”
Bride decides she can’t walk to the car barefoot & wants Groom to come carry her, but not look at her. I’m past done now so I head to the car. I tell Hubby the latest and he sprints from the car. The driver is laughing and Groom is drunk and still drinking as he sobs. Hubby returns pulling Bride by the wrist. We’re in the car finally and on our way… No conversation, no laughter, no excitement, Just sobbing.
We arrive at a sad chapel at the sleazy end of The Strip. There’s a rusty limousine in the parking lot & nothing else. We walk in and Bride is still sobbing. Groom is drunk, sobbing, and moaning about how she doesn’t want to marry him. I explain what’s going on and a woman takes Bride into a dressing room and attempts to pin her onesie closed for the ceremony. I’m trying to calm Bride and the pins are just popping out faster than we can put them in. I suggest she rent a dress so she can just get married, but nooo; she wants to wear her outfit. I make an executive decision and snag a chair cover. I fold it into a struggle bow and pin it to her waist in the back to cover her behind. It works; but she’s upset it isn’t “blinged out.” Now the attendant goes to dismantle a display bouquet and get her a choice of brooches to adorn the struggle bow.
It’s 6:15. The minister is pissed. Hubby has managed to sober up Groom and sweettalk the chapel manager into waiving the late fee. Finally, the ceremony is going to begin. Music starts, Groom is waiting, Bride comes down the aisle and Groom gets his first look. Bride looks like Zombie Bride Drag Queen Barbie and there’s makeup all over the front of the onesie. Groom cries sad tears. Minister begins speaking, Groom is looking into Bride’s eyes, but she’s mugging for the video camera and blowing kisses. Minister has to tell her to look at him, look at Groom, etc.
They get through the ceremony and both look sad. They pose for pictures as the struggle bow loses the battle and begins to fall off. I have to stop the photographer so I can fix it. They go to take some outdoor photos & the minister turns off the lights & A/C in the chapel and tells us we can wait in the lobby. After 15 minutes I tell Hubby, shouldn’t we be taking pictures with them? He just shakes his head.
Bride & Groom come back in & I’m in the dressing room getting our stuff together. Groom asks Bride for money to pay minister and she looks lost. They begin emptying their wallets trying to come up with $50. Bride looks at me and my face says it all. She stuffs some money in an envelope and asks me to take it to the minister. As I exit the room she says, “You can go because you don’t matter anymore!” and slams & locks the door. Now I’m stomping down the hallway. I give the envelope to the minister, who informs me it’s short $10. “Not my problem” is all I can say.
I go back to the lobby and sit. Now I’m rocking back and forth repeating, “Jesus, be a fence around my temper. Jesus, be a fence around my anger.” Hubby is shaking his head. The chapel manager is knocking on the dressing room door and they won’t open it. The manager is pissed and has to go look for the keys. I pray louder. After about 45 minutes, the manager is still looking for the keys. Hubby has had enough and he goes to bang on the door. Crickets. He calmly says that they had better open the door so I can get my purse & belongings. His tone is ice cold and I’m nervous. The door opens, Groom apologizes and explains that he was sewing the onesie shut because Bride doesn’t want to change to go to dinner. I get my stuff and Hubby & I walk toward the lobby. Groom runs after us apologizing and sobbing. Bride follows a few minutes later and we’re in the car. We all hear a loud, violent rip & Bride is hysterical again. Driver asks what restaurant we’re going to and Groom says, “None. Back to the condo.” The entire ride is filled with the sounds of silence, sobbing, and seething anger.
It’s after 8:00pm. Bride runs to their bedroom, Groom wants to talk with us & apologizes for Bride’s behavior. He says we’ll go to dinner as soon as she changes. Hubby & I are tired & want to change, but stupidly, we agree to wait. We’re flying home on an 8:00am flight; they’re staying a few more days. We wait, and wait.
Around 9:30, Bride appears still in the onesie. Her entire behind is hanging out, but she has fixed her hair and makeup. Groom asks why she isn’t changed for dinner and she explains she’s wearing her wedding outfit to dinner. The struggle zipper is still stuck around her waist & there’s an entire spool of thread hanging from either side of the crack of her butt. It looks like the tramp stamp is crying crazy string tears.
That’s it. Hubby can’t take anymore. He approaches Groom:
Hubby: Dude, I love you. We did everything we could to help make your wedding a success. We traveled here with you, we did your bachelor/bachelorette stuff, we counseled you, we coddled you. We’re done. We’re getting undressed. We still have to pack and try to get some sleep before our morning flight. We both took time off from work to be here with you & we’re not going to miss an extra day.
Groom: Aw man! Please, let me talk to her and get her dressed. We really want to celebrate with you and thank you for all you did. At least we can have a drink and toast our wedding and our freindship.
Hubby: Groom, we have an early flight. We still need to pack and clean up. You’re going over to the hotel tonight anyway. Just let it go.
Hubby takes off his tie & motions for me to come with him to our bedroom. Groom looks dejected standing in the hallway.
Now it’s 10:00pm. Hubby & I are tired, annoyed & hungry. We decide to go to the convenience store down the street to get something to eat. We return around 10:30 & can hear them in their room still. We sit at the dining room table enjoying our wedding feast of slushees, a chicken burrito, tortilla chips, and a hot dog. Groom appears carrying bags. I never saw their luggage on the way in; never noticed it. Now I see a backpack, a gym bag, a duffle bag, a plastic totebag, and two garbage bags overflowing with clothes, hair appliances, shoes, and makeup.
Hubby notices the garbage bags…
Hubby: Dude, are you traveling with garbage bags?
Groom looks sad.
Hubby: You didn’t come here with your cloithes in a garbage bag did you?
Hubby: Where did get garbage bags?
Groom: My wife had her wedding dress in them.
Hubby shakes his head and goes to hug his friend.
Hubby: Groom, I love you. But this is probably the last trip we’ll all travel together.
Groom: No! We’ll still travel together. Marriage won’t change that.
Hubby: It already has.
Bride appears again and is still wearing the onesie. Her butt is still exposed and she’s carrying the complimentary 6 carnation bouquet from the chapel. She’s now wearing a sash that reads “I’m the Bride!”
Her phone rings and she tells Groom the taxi is downstairs. Then she says the name of the hotel where they’re staying into the phone followed by, “But we’re going to White Castle first.”
And that was that.