Update: One year later and he's still not ready.

posted 2 years ago in Waiting
Post # 76
Member
10628 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

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@babynurser:  

There are guys, many of them apparently, out there who are dying to propose but don’t know how? I find that really hard to believe . I can see, l guess, there may be the odd one who believes the stuff about hiring a beach or something, but not doing it because you don’t know how to make it ‘memorable’ …..as if women were in the habit of forgetting when and how they were proposed to . 

Post # 77
Member
916 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

sorry bee I wouldnt trust a word of his farther  than I can throw him.

him and his buddies are all talking about marriage but don’t know how to do it? Get a ring get down On a knee and pop the question?

i call bullshit. Him and his friends prob talked about how their girls are nagging about marriage and how they can extend the wait. He can go to Walmart get some cheap stand in rings and propose to you and get on with your lives. Get you a proper ring later. Excuse after excuse wasting your good years. Women get so caught up on the proposal and the guys know this. “I can’t wait to get engaged but I’m not ready to propose because I don’t have a ring and I need to plan how to ask you the question you been waiting for… I need more time”

you ate it all up. He told you what you wanted to hear. If he wants a long time girlfriend he can find another, what you. Def is a man husband not a man child baby

Post # 81
Member
33 posts
Newbee

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@babynurser:  He proposed yesterday! We went on a COVID friendly scavenger hunt around the city before popping the question. It was a blast! 

I caught up on some of your follow up comments and I would love to offer some advice to the boyfriend. Picking out a ring absolutely can be an overwhelming experience, I think that’s only natural. But he’s doing an awesome job asking you what you love about each ring specifically. Tell him to focus on a few things first: 

  1. Set a budget – you can almost always find a ring you love in a reasonable price point 
  2. As a couple, decide on the type of center stone – I always advocate durability over nearly anything else, as you will wear this ring every day 
  3. Look into local jewelers who are doing appointments – Avoid chains like the plague. Kay/Jared/Zales are a 300% markup and normally lower quality rings. A local jeweler will give you  guys a much more personal and informative experience. 
  4. The 4C’s are overwhelming, but helpful – My usual rule of thumb is cut is amount of sparkle, color can be a bit less if you go with yellow or rose gold, clarity should be eye clean, and carat is size. Size truly depends on what looks good on your hand in that shape. 

The ring feels really overwhelming until it’s picked. Let him know that when his heart leaps at seeing it on your hand, and your heart leaps when you see it on  your hand – that’s the one. 

Post # 82
Member
3085 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

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@babynurser:  At the very least, please do not purchase a property with your boyfriend until after marriage. Huge mistake.

Post # 83
Member
2060 posts
Buzzing bee

Sorry but I’m not buying any of this. This sounds like a case of young long with a young man who just isn’t mature enough to be anywhere near ready for marriage. He threw out a rough estimate last year for when he predicted he’d be ready to propose to pacify you and now that the time is here and you held him accountable to that timeline, he balked. 

“He said he agreed, I was right, but that’s not really what he meant. When he took me ring shopping in February, he was ready.” 

I don’t believe that for a second. If he was ready then, he would still be ready now. He could have continued doing his research online and contacted jewelers from home to see what his options were. He would never have said “I’m not ready and I don’t know if I ever will be.” He would have said “I’m ready and am just waiting on the ring.”

Your SO didn’t say that and there’s a huge difference between the two statements. If he was truly ready like he claims, there never would have been an argument because he would have kept you updated about the process.

“He brought up that we’ve been fighting a lot lately and I told him that these discussions were not fights.”

Sounds like he’s trying to deflect and indirectly justify not being ready by partially blaming it on having arguments. His immaturity is showing here.

And this part is the most telling imo:

“He said he was sorry for using that choice of words when it’s not what he meant. He still wants to get engaged. He said he’s been talking to two of his friends about it and they’re all kind of in the same boat where they want to propose to their long-time girlfriends but they’re not really sure how to go about it.” 

To me, it sounds like he regrets admitting to you how he really felt and is now backpedaling, attributing blame to “the wrong choice of words.” It’s not the wrong choice of words at all- he just regrets finally being honest because you got upset and he realizes that if you realize that he may never be ready that you would probably leave him. Now he’s changing the story and blaming semantics to try to buy more time with you.

And I’m sorry but what moron doesn’t know how to propose? That is the sorriest excuse in the book. Sounds like his idiot friends are in the same boat trying to all figure out how to stall together.

I’m sorry bee but honestly I don’t think anything has changed here. It honestly sounds like he is just not ready for marriage and he is changing his story to pacify you. This is just my opinion and I’d love to be wrong, but I don’t have a good feeling about this.

Post # 84
Member
2056 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

I agree with 

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@neverbeenstungbee:  I don’t buy his excuses either. 

OP if he says he is ready to buy a ring and just needs to do some additional research and do another in store visit than don’t let him waste another 6 months doing that. Give him a timeline to do the ring shopping. I’d say 1-2 months. Just ask in a few weeks what research he has completed and ask when you are going ring shopping. Don’t just let him off the hook now. Heck if he has questions about how to propose he can call your dad and talk to him about it. 

 

Post # 86
Member
1942 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2020

At first he tells you that he doesn’t know if he’ll ever be ready. (After he had already blown his own year timeline.) Then a week later, he agrees to go ring shopping again. This sort of 180 in such a short period of time is not credible. It’s not the first time he took you ring shopping.

No matter what his age, you deserve better than to be sent on this emotional roller coaster. From my outsider perspective, it looks like he’s playing you. People don’t change their minds that fast.

Don’t buy a house with him, and be ready to leave in 6 months. Don’t give him another year.

If he had been upfront with you from the start, I would have told you you’re both young, it’s no big deal. It’s the flip flopping that’s a deal breaker for me. A partner who won’t communicate their true thoughts and leads you on is not a good partner. A partner who goes through the extremes of looking at rings to placate you is a disingenuous partner. There are many bees who see through his lame excuses.

You seem like a nice, level headed person. I guarantee you can do better.

If my bf had looked at rings with me, only to tell me later he didn’t know if he’d ever be ready, it would have crushed me. I would not have been able to stay in that relationship. I don’t know how you do it. You don’t have to.

Post # 87
Member
563 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2020

You are young, leave this douche

Post # 88
Member
3261 posts
Sugar bee

Sorry bee, but I don’t buy his 180 turn around. I guarantee you if he actually proposes you’ll never get married. Don’t buy a house with this loser until you are legally married, if that ever happens.

Post # 89
Member
28 posts
Newbee

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@babynurser:  you definitely don’t want him proposing for the wrong reasons. I recently ended an engagement due to him proposing for the wrong reasons. I am 48 and divorced with kids and believe me if you waste time with the wrong man you may regret it in more ways then one! Please PUT YOURSELF first. 

Post # 90
Member
2451 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

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@babynurser:  Not every 24 year old guy wants to get married in the near future. 

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