(Closed) UPDATE: Pissed at FH for being Irresponsible with $$ – VENT

posted 6 years ago in Money
Post # 3
Member
2874 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

i can understand its frustrating. i read the other thread, but i couldnt really establish if it was a pattern or a one off

if it was a one off, then id be inclined to accept his apology and move on. yes, being without money for the week will suck but its manageable

if its a constant thing – spending money he cant afford on pointless stuff – then id see it as a red flag

Post # 4
Member
1070 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Honestly, you need to have a very serious conversation with your FH about his spending habits. He is an adult and he needs to act like one or its over.

Post # 6
Member
1846 posts
Buzzing bee

I agree with PP, people always say that money issues are the number one thing leading to a divorce for most couples, I would hate for you to be on that road. 

1. does he have a budget? it doesn’t have to be super complicated, heck, my Dh is 31, his budget is curently written down on a series of postit notes, but he does know how much he has to set aside every month for things like rent, internet, grocery, and (this was the hardest part) a little bit for savings 

2. Does he have any monetary goals? Does he have any savings account at all? Is he capeable of long term savings goals? (I ask this becuase these are very cultural things, believe it or not people that grow up wtih parents who do not have savings accounts or are living pay check to pay check will often live the same way even if they do make enough money to get ahead it is how they were raised and what they know) 

and as PP said, is this a constant thing or a once in a while thing? If it is constant you absolutely NEED to get this sorted out before your wedding planning goes any further… again just my thoughts, but you really can’t change people who don’t want to change

Post # 7
Member
2874 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

i dont know how best to tackle it really. thing is, finances get linked when you get married (even if you maintain seperate accounts) so you dont want it to turn into an argument but you clearly cant go on like this. you dont want him not paying joint bills

agh. im not sure. best is to try a non-combative conversation tomorrow after a good nights sleep

Post # 8
Member
1715 posts
Bumble bee

We spend $100s of dollars at ren faire and conventions.

We also spend months saving our extra money for that reason.

I dont know what to say, I’ve never had credit, and SO is helping me with that. He put my name on bills he pays just so I can have credit. I’m also going to a credit counceler and working thing out on my own too.

I’m lucky he knows so much about money and stuff like that at his age (He’s 23). I dont really have any advice for you honey, but I really hope it works out.

Post # 9
Member
443 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Oh man… This really sucks… I’ve been there with my own Fiance. What changed him was when I sat down with him and told him that I’m starting to resent him and his attitudes to finances and how its affecting me and our relationship.

I listed all the financial goals I would like us to meet.

1) Having a decent deposit for a house.

2) Wedding fund.

3) Decent savings every month.

I told him that I need that financial security and as a partner I need him to work with me towards those goals.

I told him I refuse to bring children into this world living paycheck to paycheck. He needed to step up or step out.

I don’t need to tell you that money issues are one of the biggest reasons for divorce. Honestly, if you continue in this relationship I probably wouldn’t join finances and I would def get a decent pre nup.

You need to have a calm talk with him and if he isn’t trying to change I’d leave – you will start resenting him…

Post # 10
Member
2777 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Um dont do it.  My guy was awful with money but has learned to be a lot better with it. We now both have good credit.

I know people who always have fights about money and worry about paying the bills but spend all their money on eating out.  I wouldn’t proceed with this wedding if he is just going to continue to act like this.  Like you said you don’t want to spend your whole life like this. That would be miserable indeed.

Post # 11
Member
3296 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013 - An amazing non-profit retreat

@Mrs Christopher:  

I agree. This is a huge huge huge red flag/stop sign. He is thirty and still acting like this. If you marry him, you are in for a world of hurt. I hate to say it, but it’s true. Those of us who have had irresponsible partners know exactly how these things turn out.

I’m hoping he can turn around and make a change for the better and wishing you the best of luck!

Post # 12
Member
3305 posts
Sugar bee

@sherryberry:  +1

Your Fiance thinks you are a cash cow. You pay for everything and he has no financial responsibility. If I were you, I would be rethinking this ENTIRE relationship. You don’t want to get married to someone like that.

Post # 13
Member
1963 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

I have to agree with what previous posters have said. If you can’t imagine living your life like this then don’t! Put the wedding plans on hold and see if he can change financially. Set out some ground rules of what needs to happen for him to marry you.

 

I also want to say that him yelling and screaming at you over this is NOT ok. You do not deserve to be treated like that. I know that every couple has their fights, but to me one sided yelling and screaming is emotionally abusive, and it sounds like he is taking advantage of you financially as well. These are huge red flags for me, and I would suggest getting out now.

Post # 14
Member
2999 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

My SO is 31 and has a healthy savings account. Him and I don’t have a strict budget but we each have automatic deposits to our savings each pay period, don’t carry any credit card debt, and challenge each other with purchases. He either needs to figure it out now or you probably should get out.

Post # 15
Member
13290 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Money is the number one cause of divorce, so you two need to get on the same page about your finances, and fast.  Go to financial counseling, get a plan, work out a budget together, and make sure you aren’t shouldering all of the financial burdens.  At 30, he should be able to take care of himself financially..

Post # 16
Member
172 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I think you need to have a face to face with him this weekend. Let him know in advance that you want to talk about future goals and life plans and start the conversation on those terms. Money is a big part of planning your life together, if you are not on the smae page, you need to decide if you can handle his behavior or get out. If he is willing to be more responsible talk about savings goals pre-wedding, short and long term. Make a budget and, now that he has a job, make a savings plan. I think you both need to agree to save a set amount of money toward the wedding. Fiance and I are also paying for our wedding and we looked at our finances and agreed that based on current savings and income when we started we would each contribute X to the wedding giving us a total budget and sources for the income. That means even if I put the cost of the catering on my credit card (to pay off instantly), if it goes over the amount I am responsible for, he will pay part of the bill. You should not be shouldering all the wedding expenses and this is the perfect together project to budget for and pay for together. However, I would not be comfortable having a wedding if Fiance could not handle money. I admit he often spends more on an item that I think is unecessary BUT he also saves more and purchases big ticket items infrequently so I deal but I do remind him next time that he just made a purchase if it seems like he is getting out of hand. He does the same to me although I am the more often, less expensive purchaser. 

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