(Closed) Update (re “Heartbroken” post)

posted 9 years ago in Waiting
Post # 47
Member
402 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

@AprilJo2011 — agreed.

Post # 48
Member
9816 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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@ilovenycmissie: Sorry but what you’re describing just sounds like a lot of game playing to me. It’s up to the man to pursue and if he doesn’t she should leave so he can chase her? And for that matter, what’s so horribly wrong with the power being in the woman’s hands? OP is done waiting around. She loves the man and wants to marry him. She’s been with him 5 years, it’s poo or get off the pot time and he knows it!

Thumbs up for empowered women.

Post # 50
Member
90 posts
Worker bee

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@Shirinjoon: I am crossing my fingers for you 2! Good Luck!

Post # 51
Member
3460 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I have friends doing fellowships.  I’m sad to report that even though it gets a little better after the first year, it doesn’t actually get as much better as they promise it will. 

Wait a month and then in May ask him whether he would like you to go ring shopping with him or if he’d just like some pictures of what you like to guide him.  Are any of his friends recently engaged or married?  You can ask the guy how long it took him to find the right ring and propose.

Post # 53
Member
3460 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

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@Shirinjoon: Fair enough 🙂

Post # 54
Member
660 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Good for you!

Post # 55
Member
2319 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Walk away N-O-W. Even if he does propose to you, it won’t be from his heart. He is one of those men who are in the relationship so INTENSELY in the beginning that they will plan out the entire wedding in their heads. But anything and everything can get in their way. I.e. “life interrupted”.

My first ex and I knew each other for MORE THAN TEN YEARS! It’s true we met in h.s. but even after college and getting decent jobs (and mind you, he was making money up the @ss!), we weren’t getting engaged. He was too engrossed in business and money matters, family wasn’t supportive enough, etc. etc.

Point being, this man only wants to be in love with you. He doesn’t really want to marry you. Even fi you were to marry him, in the back of his head, he will always feel like he ‘lost’ himself, just to gain you. That’s an indescribably painful feeling on his part. He will recluse. My ex is still not married. I met someone MUCH MORE AMAZING and I am getting married in July. I didn’t think for once that I could ever meet someone. But I knew for sure that I couldn’t be with a man who wouldn’t marry me. Even though he L-O-V-E-D me and it brought him to tears to lose me, he just wasn’t the marrying type…

Your man’s excuse is very fickle. Engagements don’t make life anymore hectic and/or busier. It’s just an engagement! You can stretch it out as far as you feel comfy (I’d say to a max of 2 yrs but that’s an opinion). And save up accordingly, or try to have a frugal wedding, etc. But the point is, engagement need not wait until July. That sounds very shady to me. It’s like he needs time from now until then to mentally prepare himself for losing himself. (Or worse, plan an escape route. But in your case, I think it’s the former.)

I am very sorry.

Post # 57
Member
402 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

“this man only wants to be in love with you. He doesn’t really want to marry you”

I cannot get rid of the underline ladies.  So, so sorry:

I hate to say this but I have to agree with PP.  A person can be engaged and be SUPER-busy.  Besides his excuses, I think You are making excuses – for him! He’s been living one giant excuse, and so have you IMO for several years now, since his family/mom threatened him.  He just got lucky-you made it so he didn’t really have to choose.  Don’t mean to be harsh – but if you think he chose you, think again.  It’s easy, super easy, for a guy to stay with us, but you want a marriage, you two are 30, and this July business and you having talked yourself into waiting until then to see if he proposes and then pledging (to us and yourself, and to him I guess) to walk is silly.  Walk now.  Much easier if you’re not living together and unless I missed something, I don’t think you are.  Then see where things lead.  Not because you’d be playing some game, but because you’d be fulfilling your role as a contemporary, empowered woman.  Give yourself a chance to sort this out away from him and let him work through whether or not he’s willing to marry you.

Post # 58
Member
3306 posts
Sugar bee

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@Shirinjoon: At the end of the day- this is YOUR life and I hope you hasn’t felt pressured or needing to defend your position on your plans. I am here to support you and I am proud of you. I completely get why you are giving him the time and honestly, it will help with closure should your man choose NOT to propose.
Every girl would want a genuine proposal compared to I am done waiting so let’s go ring shopping right NOW. Unfortunately some men need a push in the “right” direction. Some men need a jump start. You are not wrong to laying down your needs. And your dear father is 100% correct. I am so happy he has also weighed in on this situation. Prepare your heart for good or bad.

One thing I wouldn’t have done though is tell him July or I walk- only reason because July is 31 days long… are you going to wait it out until 7/31 @ 11:59 PM or as the clock turns midnight on July 1st? That part wasn’t clear and so it give him 31 days of “leeway” time.
Two- it sets him up to know what the future will be. Just like he is leaving (has left) you in limbo, he should have been left in limbo as to what would happen in July. Lastly, should it happen to end, this is one of those thing where you have to quit him cold turkey. It can’t be a “big fight” about another missed deadline- it has to be a calm and clear (and quick) this is not working out for me and I am sorry but this relationship is over and I prefer that you do not contact me- and then you must literally do all that you can to avoid him (because he IS going to contact you) while mend a broken heart. I would start now- becoming busy, meeting new people and doing things without your SO so that if the time should come, leaving him won’t be AS hard because you have already started to establish life WITHOUT  him.

Post # 59
Member
402 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

@OP – just curious, but your screen name here, sounded out, is “Sure in June” — did you mean that? Was June another deadline of yours? Was it to be this June… or last June possibly?

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