- 8 years ago
- Wedding: July 2010
I write in again very hesitantly but because I desperately seek advice from the hive (just don’t know if I can hear any more posts about – i’m paraphrasing here – how my daughter could be turning out so well with me being “chemically imbalanced”). I am looking for honesty, not hugs and rainbows, but if some of you can just tamp it down a bit; I’m hurting quite a lot right now and I do a pretty good job of beating myself up without any help!
an update: things have gone from bad to rotten. oh, yes, hubby put on his wedding ring and went on about our cozy ways at home, us both dog-tired at work but quite content at home generally and when we get together intimately, the usual fireworks. fighting continues (i’ve admitted to ours being an explosive relationship, though believe me i’m not boasting about this). And I feel too proud and pissed off at this point to apologize sincerely to hubs for what’s happened with sisters.
anyhow, hub’s two sisters, older than me with grown kids but who still (some live with “mommy” and “daddy”) do their parents bidding for them. Anyhow, big sis and little sis have refused to see me or let me into their home or let their kids see me! They both live about 15 minutes away. My new husband and I are shocked. Still, he won’t call them wrong, won’t even confront them about it; that’s him. Seems only to think of me as wrong here. He also refuses to get counseling with me (I think he’s terrified, not that he doesn’t want the marriage; I think he truly does). So he sits and sulks and wraps jillions of gifts for all of them for Christmas, with both our names on the tags, “with Love”.
This, if you recall, all because I finally had had it with an invitation for a birthday dinner that came through a nephew to hubby’s cell instead of to the house phone from Sis. Fine. But there have NEVER been even the tiniest messages to our phone or to me EVER in the 1.5 years or so of us living together and being married since July — ’bout anything — like wedding was lovely, how’s my mom, how’re things with the new couple. I’d tried telling hubs (and even before, when he was my FI) how unwelcome and un-accepted I’d felt by the sisters, but he wouldn’t hear of it, so basically, I had no place for my feelings. they just pent up inside (plus I’d ended therapy and was trying to make a go of it, just me and my guy). I tried talking to his “Sis” ’bout this just before Thanksgiving — no, I never raised my voice or said anything particularly harsh, but in retrospect I know I was aloof and I’m sure I came across as arrogant cause, dare I say it, I’m a bit more articulate than his family. She flipped out, told me no one had ever talked to her like that or attacked her in that way…. anyhow, now they’ve all turned against me.
I sent a gorgeous box of 50 mini-cupcakes last week with a note: “Dear so-and-so, why don’t we put this behind us for the holidays so everyone can get the ‘sweet things’ they deserve? Love, me.” My hubs happens to know, indirectly, that she threw them out without letting her grown son who lives with her (maybe her husband knew, maybe not) that the little cakes had arrived. I’ve sent e-mails to the two sisters, apologzing for hurting them but still standing by my having expressed my feelings and for their substance — and indicating strongly that they have another choice here — a choice not to hold the entire family hostage to their bruised feelings, to get past this! They don’t wanna call me or ever leave a message — I get it; I can live with that now, believe me. that they never want to see me again — frankly, I don’t know if my marriage can withstand this. Hubs is horrified. He’s making me wrong, though I know inside he thinks their reaction is disproportionate to my action. But he’s frankly miserable about the upcoming holidays.
I just started seeing a new therapist who suggests we ‘play Santa’ on Christmas Day, drive over to the sister’s house with the jillions of gifts, ring the bell and try to drop them off, with no particular intention of staying or not. If she lets him in but not me, I’m sure he won’t accept that, we’ll leave the gifts and go. Do you guys like the ‘Santa’ idea? Do you have any other ideas? My family doesn’t celebrate Christmas so we can’t spend it with them. I’m just planning a sweet XMas Eve at home, holiday DVDs, great food, exchange of gifts… but I know he’ll be in mourning. He grieves forEVER over stuff that’s gone wrong. What do ya’all think I should do next?