(Closed) Update-sisters banned me from family; hubs wrapping gifts, in major denial!

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
7975 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I am so sorry to hear that you’re still going through this 🙁 It’s rotten and it sucks and I don’t have a lot of advice, but I do feel for you.

One thing that stuck out to me is that your husband has a hard time sticking up for you, so IMO if you decide to “play Santa”, you and he need to have a very frank discussion ahead of time about both of your expectations – like the fact that if they invite him but not you in, or in any way prevent you from going into the house, he needs to leave with you.

If he is going to cave and make excuses when he’s there, faced between you and them, I think it has the potential to be distasterous to your marriage.

Post # 5
Member
3587 posts
Sugar bee

All I know…is don’t play Santa. You’ve spend money on these people and they threw the cupcakes out, no need to throw more money down the drain.

I have no other advice though. My SO’s sister is like this, even told him to tell me not to talk to her or send her daughter anymore gifts for her baby. Trust me, I won’t. I don’t have anything to do with her. I really wanted to say “nah,nah boo boo, at least I ain’t a grandma in my 30s!” with my tongue out and hands in my ears.LOL

Also, talk to him about sticking up for you. My SO will go off on his sister if she starts some mess, so that does help.

Good luck! I know how rough it can be!

Post # 7
Member
7975 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I think “playing santa” is part of trying to kill them with kindness. Whether or not it will work …. is impossible to say. BUT you and your husband need to be a unified front, because his family needs to understand that the two of you are a package deal. They can’t have him if they continue to reject you – you’ve made it clear in your posts that you are not willing to live that way. 

The other thing to “playing santa” is that you are willing to compromise, you are willing to work at it, you are not the one telling your husband, “You have to choose – me or them” (they are doing that), but instead trying to find a way for everyone to coexist peacefully.

Post # 8
Member
971 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

I do not understand the need for you to make efforts with people who seem like they want nothing to do with you.

Playing Santa to people who want nothing to do with you?  No way.  Walk around the block if they don’t let you in?  Really – that would be an absolute blow to anyone’s ego/self-confidence!  Why a therapist would even suggest this is beyond me!  Your therapist thinks that material goods *might* change these women and how they feel?  Sorry, but you could give them the world and they still won’t change!  I think this goes deeper than material gifts.  If I don’t like someone, a gift on Christmas day will not change a thing.

This is your DH’s family and, it sounds like nothing is going to change them.  If it were me, I’d tell Darling Husband to go visit his family for Christmas for a few hours and I wouldn’t go with him.  And, either accept that this is going to be Christmas every year.  Maybe your Darling Husband will see this is complete nonsense and he’ll tell his family it’s both of you or nothing.  Or he will tolerate them because he’ll feel it’s better to put up and shut up than do something. 

I’m sorry that you’re in this position.   You can’t make people like you, you won’t buy their love with gifts, and the Christmas holiday isn’t going to make them change.  That stuff only happens in movies. 

 

Post # 9
Member
442 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Honestly I think you have done all you can do. Stop kissing their behinds, who the heck do they think they are? If I where you I wouldn’t care anymore, they will need you before you need them. Good Luck 

Post # 11
Member
541 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I definitely would not play “Santa,” I honestly don’t see what good it would do. I sucks that your husband is being put in this situation by sisters. But, what do his parent’s think about the situation? And are you sure that you aren’t going to be welcome on Christmas?

I’m the kind of person who could care less if someone likes me or not, so maybe I can’t really 100% understand ever, but like BanditGirl, I don’t get why you keep trying to make them like you.

Post # 13
Member
541 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@shellshocked: I think I was writing when you were posting clarifying that you were done–Good for you! And I really mean it.  I know what you mean about the roost rulers–we have some in my family that have no right to rule anything.

What we do for Christmas–I’d be more than welcome at FIs family’s but I don’t like them, really– is spend the majority of the day together, then split up for the parts I choose not to participate in. Yeah, it sucks being without them or home alone for a couple hours, but since your husband has made it clear he isn’t going to choose it might be the best route to go.

Post # 15
Member
2829 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I don’t think that your husband should choose between you or his family, but.. I think it is awfully pathetic that he wont stand up for you, defend you or tell his sisters to shove their pretentious BS in regards to their attitude toward you.

Do you even know WHY they dislike you so much? Did you poo in their cheerios? Because really, if they are adults they should be able to rationalize that no they don’t have to like you, but for their brothers sake they SHOULD tolerate you with civility.

I would give up on them unless there was a drastic change of heart.

Also, I don’t think that it is fair for your husband to go see them during the holidays for any extended period of time, dropping off gifts would be fine, but he could do that himself. Screw walking around the block (your therapist really should NOT have suggested that) Your husband should be spending his holidays with his NEW family (because really, that is what happens when you get married–you become each other’s family), there are 364 OTHER days of the year for him to see his sisters, he can go see them then.

Post # 16
Member
971 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

OK – sorry I misunderstood what you were looking for.  I was mainly commenting on the craziness of your therapist to play Santa and ply them with material items to get them to be nice.  That’s just wrong of the therapist to even suggest that. 

It sounds as if your Darling Husband doesn’t want to rock the family boat.  Especially since, because your Darling Husband doesn’t have parents, he wants to keep the little semblance of a family that he has.  And, I’m sure that he doesn’t know how to handle their behavior towards you and remain a family with the only people who are left.   

Honestly, if I were in this boat, I would let Darling Husband go visit his sisters alone for Christmas and allow him to keep the little bit of his family that are left.  It doesn’t mean he spends the whole day with them.  If I couldn’t stand my SILs, I’d let my Darling Husband go and spend time with them and keep that side happy.  In the long run, it will make you look like the better person that he’s “allowed” (for lack of better words) to do that.

The topic ‘Update-sisters banned me from family; hubs wrapping gifts, in major denial!’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors