(Closed) Update: So I Walked..

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 62
Member
10020 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@NickiBee:  LOVE this update!  If you decide to accept his proposal I bet he never screws up again in your lifetime, lol.  He is one lucky guy if he can get you back!  🙂

Post # 63
Member
1059 posts
Bumble bee

@NickiBee:  Thanks! I love supporting people – it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I know I certainly appreciate it when people support you. I think the HUGEST thing is that you walked away without expecting him to come back. I hate seeing suggestions for people to walk away and see if such and such person comes after them. Um, no. Someone should never walk away in the hopes of getting the other person to come after them. They should do it for the right reasons, because they are sticking up for what’s important to them. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, you’re an inspiration! Looking forward to your next update!

Post # 64
Member
2129 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

@NickiBee:  I wasn’t expecting that kind of update…But you come across as a strong, smart woman so I’m sure you’re do what you feel is right for you!

Post # 65
Member
5891 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

@NickiBee:  I think you are right to step back and take some time before making a decision. I would be weary that he is just lonely and scared and that is motivating marrying you (as oppose to really wanting to be married to *you*). 

If it were me and I was really strong, I would tell him I needed no contact for 30 days. That would give us both time to see if we really wanted to be with each other, or were just scared of being alone. Then I would make him date me for a few more months. Don’t move in together, just see each other on the weekends. If that goes well, then I would let him propose again.

Good Luck!

Post # 66
Member
180 posts
Blushing bee

@MariaW:  +1  I totally agree.  Also, it’s annoying how some Bees equate a walk date with an ultimatum.  I’m sure there are some women who give their men ultimatums, never intending on following through by leaving but instead try to manipulate the situation and get a ring, but “walking” is just that: walking from a situation you cannot live forever with to find what you need to make you happy.  It’s definitely not begging.

@NickiBee:  I see now how it was so confusing for you.  Definitely take your time in making a decision whatever you decide to do.  We’re with you either way.

Post # 67
Member
2393 posts
Buzzing bee

@NYMango:  

 

ITA, walking is not an ultimatum! It’s called having a backbone!

 

 

@KoiKove: 

If it were me and I was really strong, I would tell him I needed no contact for 30 days. That would give us both time to see if we really wanted to be with each other, or were just scared of being alone. Then I would make him date me for a few more months. Don’t move in together, just see each other on the weekends. If that goes well, then I would let him propose again.

 

Excellent advice and I totally agree. OP, I’m not that surprised your ex came back with a ring and is taking this situation a lot more seriously. You were so smart to put a stop to the game playing, and if indeed your ex really loves you (which I believe he does), then that’s exactly what this was: a silly game. You’ve called his bluff and he’s now realizing he can’t be Peter Pan anymore if he wants to keep you in his life.

This is a GOOD thing….

I think taking some time and also some counseling would help you clear your thoughts some more, and help you figure out whether you want to give this relationship another try. If this relationship really was meant to be, he won’t go anywhere while you’re trying to get your head straight. Take the time you need to sort through this. I love KoiKove’s advice because I think that if you DO get back together with your ex, it would be best for your emotional well-being to keep him at arm’s length to a certain degree until he really proves himself and his intentions over a period of time. Weekends only and minimal contact during the week, avoid marathon phone calls and texting sessions, and definitely no moving in together. He is the one who made this mess and now he needs to fix it. He can mend some of the damage he has done by courting you and earning back your trust.

Best wishes to you with whatever you decide to do. It takes a lot of strength (and faith that a real love is waiting for you out there) to walk away from a relationship that is not working. I admire you for that. The irony is that maybe, just maybe, the real love of your life was right there by your side all along — but HE didn’t realize it until now.  ((Hugs))

Post # 68
Member
1880 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Hmm, how difficult! Would have been so much easier if he’d just proposed in the first place! If at all possible, I would go to couple’s counseling (even with your minister at your church) to sort through a lot of this and determine whether you guys are really right for each other and if you can make it work. I think there’s a good chance – that he knows what he would be missing is definitely a good sign! But I think you need to be smart about it. Good luck!

Post # 69
Member
280 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I walked from my ex after nearly 10 years of waiting when I was 26. He did come back and we talked about trying to make it work, but I stuck with my gut and said no. Yes, it was hard and it was long overdue, but it was the best decision I have made in my life to this day. I have since gotten my Ph.D., traveled the world, established myself as an individual and a professional, and learned about myself in ways that I never could have imagined and that allow me to be a better partner to my Fiance. I’m now 37.

It was a little easier because when I left, I actually left. As in, I got in my car and drove for 8 days and moved across the country to start a new life for myself. When I got to CA, I found a book called Quirkyalone (www.quirkyalone.net). That book quickly became my bible and helped me immensely, and you might enjoy it as well.

Post # 71
Hostess
2998 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

i wish you all the best!!

Post # 72
Member
5891 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

@NickiBee:  I was thinking about you last night. I’ve known guys that come back after the girl walks away. They come back 100% and desperately want to get back together. Then years go by, problems happen and suddenly “they were *forced*” to get married. WHAAAA!?!?! Yeah, somehow they twist what happened in their mind and blame the woman for getting married. I think there is a good chance you two will get back together, but you have to be cautious. Good to know you are thinking of no contact for a little while. 

Good Luck!

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