(Closed) Update!!! Soon to Be Stepdaughter making us Miserable (LONG)

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
4324 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 1992

@TexasSpringBride:  This IS a start. At least your Fiance now acknowledges that this girl needs correction, and it needs to come from him as well. 

Hopefully this will help the problem taper off.

Post # 4
Member
786 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

This is definitely a good step in the right direction and I’m glad that you and your Fiance were able to discuss it.  It’s going to be a long road for everyone in your family and probably a very tough one but kudos to you for standing your ground and kudos to your Fiance for starting as well.  You always have us to support you so keep us posted!

Post # 5
Member
2053 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Good for you for speaking up. You are in a difficult position but it sounds like he took the right step to first acknowledge the problem and then do something about it, even if it is a small step. I hope that he realizes there is much more to it though, and just him stepping up and disciplining her properly, while helpful, will probably not be enough. Then, the real issues of her self-esteem, etc. will surface, so he needs to be prepared for that. Avoiding the issue isn’t going to help anyone, and as much as he may feel embarrassed for her behavior, this isn’t about him. He is responsible for her behavior and needs to teach her to be responsible for herself. It sounds like you know just how to manage that poor behavior. Best wishes and blessings to you all as you figure this out.

Post # 6
Member
11271 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

@TexasSpringBride:  good for you.  it’s about time your fi recognizes his daughter’s issues and acts on them.  hopefully with proper discipline and continued counselling, this girl will turn around and start to enjoy life as it is meant to be as a child. 

Post # 7
Member
995 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Honestly? it sounds to me like she may have the beginnings of borderline personality disorder or bipolar–but it’s impossible for me to know for sure.

I would suggest not just counseling, but family counseling as well.

 

You plan to be in a mother role  to this girl for the rest of her life–and it sounds like you have a rocky relationship at best. It’s not really anyone’s ‘fault’ per se. She’s a kid who obviously has some issues. And those issues are making it difficult for you to be close to her. If that isn’t addressed early it could have a negative impact on your relationship with your fiance AND the family dynamic as a whole

 

It’s a touchy issue, and I can easily see it as going the way of ‘choose me or your daughter’–which could get ugly

Post # 10
Member
89 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I’m glad your Fiance is stepping up to the plate, but please remember that you can’t only be the disciplinarian. Make sure you show this girl a little love too, even when it’s hard. I know it’s only the internet, and it’s hard to get a sense of what’s really going on, but I don’t hear a lot of affection from you for her, and she has to know that. And that’s heartbreaking.

Post # 12
Member
85 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I just read through your last thread. You’re absolutely right to be doing what you’re doing; I have friends and family with ADHD and personality disorders and everything in between, and it’s not a smooth ride.

You had mentioned (I think) that she sees the therapist twice a month. Would your Fiance be willing to bump that up to at least once a week? I wish he weren’t so opposed to talking to the therapist. S/he would be able to give tips on how to parent your future stepdaughter in the most effective way relative to her problems. It’s not enough to just have her on meds and talking to a shrink twice a month, but you know that already. Another thing to mention to him, if you haven’t brought it up already, is that if there’s no update on her behavior from the parents or guidance on what issues she needs to work on, she likely controls the topics when she visits the therapist. If she often lies and manipulates, the therapist could have a totally inaccurate depiction of what’s really going on, which means she may not be getting the most effective treatment for whatever’s going on. 

My heart breaks for you and your future stepdaughter. She may not have been able to help the circumstances that led her to these behavioral patterns, but at some point she’s going to be expected to take responsibility for her actions, behavioral problems or not, and I hope your Fiance sees that he has to help her get those skills sooner rather than later. These things do not get better with time alone.

Post # 13
Member
995 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@TexasSpringBride:  I don’t mean you would actually say the words “it’s her or me!”–but that it would feel that way to her. 

And I’m not sure if you want to give her the impression that if she acts up enough, you and her children will just leave. Because if that’s her goal, she will make sure that happens!

It’s not that she’s evil but from her pov, you and your children are interlopers who are taking away her father’s attention. 

 

This doesn’t sound like a child who just is being a brat. At best, she is exhibiting needy attention seeking behavior by trying to assert that her father still favors her more than your children. I can understand a child feeling that way,  particularly an insecure one. At worst it’s a more serious underlying mental issue.

 

 

 

@EricaBee:  That’s what I mean. It’s not the OP’s fault if she doesn’t feel an immediate bond to this girl, especially since the girl is acting out a lot. But it isn’t the kid’s fault either–she probably has some attachment issues because her mother abandoned her and doesn’t know how to articulate her feelings.

I think that developing a bond with her is important–maybe schedule some time to go do something fun together. That way she’s less inclined to see the OP as some stranger who stepped in with her kids to create a new family. She needs to feel reassurance that she is just as much a part of this new family as everyone else.

Edit: I just saw that you have tried that—I can only say that some sessions with her therapist would be very helpful–as well as stepping up the amount of times she sees her. Kids do well seeing someone at least once a week, it’s hard for them to remember to keep with goals if it’s stretched out over a long time span, particularly if she has ADHD

Post # 15
Member
85 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@TexasSpringBride: Unfortunately, that kind of denial seems to be a common response from parents, until something happens that they can’t ignore it anymore. I hope he can resolve his feelings before it gets to that point. As much of a challenge as this for you, your future stepdaughter is lucky to have you in her corner, fighting to get her help. That is a difficult and thankless job (I’ve been there), but hopefully you’ll get to see the payoff sooner rather than later. I’ll be thinking of you.

Post # 16
Member
275 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

I also have a step-son with ADHD and at times he can be very difficult to deal with. He takes allot more patience then my other children but I embrace it as I know it’s hard for him too.

how old is your step daughter?

 

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