(Closed) **UPDATE** Starting to wonder if we should have got engaged :-(

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 32
Member
751 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Sooooo he thinks that counseling isn’t “manly”, but threatening to smash a girls’ face in is? Okkk… 

This guy is a terrible person. Leave. You may feel as though he’s “the one” but if he’s treating you like this he’s definitely not. 

Post # 33
Member
1826 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

I pm’d you.

Post # 34
Member
299 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Okay I just looked at your posting history and seriously?  Your relationship reads as that of a couple of teenagers and NOT in a good way.  I think it’s time to call a spade a spade and GTFO.

Post # 35
Member
1734 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

OP, I have to be honest, I’m almost in tears over here just reading this. He threatened to smash your face in? A real man would never, ever do that. A good man would never threaten violence to you or ignore you for another woman or make it seem like every fight is your fault. This man is toxic. Please, please get out of there.

Post # 36
Member
765 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

As my Fiance would say he sounds like an “assjack.” It sounds like you are in a potentially violent abusive relationship. You need to leave him. I know it’s easier said then done, but you deserve so much better. 

Post # 37
Member
2738 posts
Sugar bee

Dear OP, I remember when you posted a couple of months ago about how you were feeling ‘dicked around’ about your waiting status. I was sad for you but I thought there would be a light at the end of the tunnel. In a good way. But as some PP have posted, you haven’t really posted good stuff about your relationship that I can read. If your mother stumbled across your posts, how would she feel? What kind of advice would she give you? I agree with another poster who said that some women, especially those of us in our 30’s put up with way worse crap than we would have in our younger years because we feel like our biological clock is ticking and ticking loudly. But this is one occassion that you should run. Run far far away. I don’t see this ending in a good way. Except there are a whole bunch of redeeming qualities about this guy that you are not telling us? I’m hardly one to give this kind of advice on the board but your threads are making me very sad for you. I hope you do take our advice (we are strangers after all) and either break up with him, or put your relationship on hold. Good luck.

Post # 38
Member
286 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Like many PP’s, I worry about any relationship where one person makes physical (or emotional for that matter) threats towards the other.  Threats like the one you described are a hallmark characteristic of emotional abuse, which tends to only get worse.  It’s possible that therapy could be very helpful for you two, and I wouldn’t advise continuing the relationship without some outside help.

Post # 39
Member
5155 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

Sorry, hon, but my advice from before still stands with the extra information:

Leave.

I would never, ever stay with someone who threatened to “smash (my) face in”. I don’t care if he was angry, or frustrated, or that he did not actually do it, that is violence against you. You have the right to feel safe in your relationship and in your home, period. There is absolutely NO excuse, ever, for your partner threatening violence against you. Ever. Unless that violence was having to rapidly shove you out of the way of a runaway car. Your Fiance on the other hand is the SOURCE of that violence. Not okay. Ever.

It is also COMPLETELY disrespectful to ignore you at a social event, and actively ignore you, and not even bother to introduce you or include you in the conversation in any way. I had an ex do crap like that too, many years ago, when he was “pissed at me”. Let me say, there is a good reason he is an ex and I have never regretted that! Your Fiance is emotionally manipulative and abusive. He knows darn well what he is doing, and I am sure he also blames you for being too sensitive or who knows what else. All part of his “game”. Add on the yelling at you for bringing up issues, for wanting him to participate in the relationship, this man is NOT a partner. He may not be that into you, he may just want a very shallow relationship, who knows, but YOU should be expecting more for yourself and realizing you are not going to find it with him.

I am very close to your age, maybe a year or so younger, and I will say that this is way more drama, and way more “fight” and frustration than I would ever, ever accept at this time in my life. If I wanted to date a teenage boy, aside from the legal ramifications of it, I would. I know plenty of teenage boys who are more emotionally mature and respectful and loving than this! As I said before, it does not need to be so hard. It really doesn’t, and it really should not be. It is not going to get “better” with him. This is as good as it gets and quite frankly this is not good enough.

 

Somewhat aside from my previous advice because everything you described sounds toxic and unhealthy anyway, but as for counseling, who cares if his family is military? My husband had a 13 year career in the military and he is very pro-counseling, and went on his own even. He is definitely “manly” and personally I find it much more “manly” to be willing to explore yourself a little more than just playing an image, or threatening his partner, and dealing with issues the way YOUR Fiance is. He has many other peers who have gone, whether it is for individual reasons, for marriage reasons, or post-traumatic issues. And he does not need to TELL his family he is going. If they are that against personal growth and responsibility, well, they are missing out I guess.

That being said, I think you need to go to counseling BY YOURSELF, period. Your Fiance is emotionally and verbally abusive and manipulative and that is NOT a good environment to start counseling in with a partner and I don’t know any good therapist who will agree to couples counseling where there is this kind of abuse happening. I think you need to talk to a counselor to talk about how to leave this situation safely, and about working on your own self-esteem that keeps you accepting so very little for yourself.

Post # 40
Member
9950 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

RED FLAGS galore !!

As someone that spent 20+ Years in a very unhealthy abusive relationship (verbally, emmotionally, financially & physically… it escalates thru these levels as time goes on)… I tell ya, you cannot fix these guys… they have to do it on their own…

That takes time, time you may not have (in my case my Hubby never got it right even after 15 Years of counselling…)

Don’t waste your YOUTH on this

Don’t waste the innocence of your children on this

Protect your heart and theirs… RUN !!

Honestly, you DESERVE much better than this… and there are guys out there willing to treat you like the AMAZING WOMAN that you are

They can’t find you if you are “anchored” down to this guy… set yourself free… and let MR RIGHT find ya.

I did, and my life is now incredible… I am over the moon in love… just wish I hadn’t had gone thru 25 Years of H3LL to get here…

PS… Agree with the comments made above by RAYKAY having been thru this “manipulative” relationship you’ve lost some ground on what is appropriate and not (boundaries within a relationship) you can’t get this back naturally on your own, because your brain overtime sees it as “acceptable / normal” for relationships… You NEED to get some counselling (think of it as a tune-up) to be able to get your wheels aligned and back on the road to finding Mr Right.
 

Post # 41
Member
853 posts
Busy bee

I’m sorry you’re going through this. But hun, nobody who loves you should ever threaten you IN ANY WAY. Saying that he is ‘going to smash your face in’ is a cue to run, not walk out of that situation. You deserve so much more than that. This sounds like it’s headed down an abusive road. You should get out now.

Post # 42
Member
4192 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry

I have reply again, because two PPs nailed it on the head:

View original reply
@bRooklynRocks:  If your mother stumbled across your posts, how would she feel? What kind of advice would she give you?

View original reply
@Dizbee:  be the woman you’d want your daughter to be.  Would you want your daughter getting threatened to get her face smashed in? 

Post # 43
Member
5983 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 1999

“Then he stood up over me, grabbed his shoes and threatened to ‘smash me in the face if I didn’t f**k off’.” ~ Totally unacceptable.  You shouldn’t tolerate this type of emotional abuse, which could turn physical.

 “I feel confused and don’t understand what I’m supposed to do.” ~ I would recommend that you take some time on your own (don’t allow the lease situation to influence a life-long decision).  Re-assess what you’re looking for in a man and life partner.  Possibly go to counseling on your own.  I’m sure he/she will validate your feelings and help you to recognize that you don’t want to live with this type of a feeling, nor do you deserve it. 

HUGS!! 

Post # 44
Member
914 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Take it as a sign that your lease is coming up and run away. You deserve better than a man who will threaten you physical violence and would ever speak to you in that way. Telling you to f*ck off? Absolutely ridiculous. Saying he is going to smash your face in? You don’t get another chance after that. I understand that sometimes things are said out of anger, but that is going way too far. Get out!

Post # 45
Member
299 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

One more thing.  Don’t take bad advice from someone who can’t spell “curb.” 

Post # 46
Member
5089 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

View original reply
@hammerpants:  Ha, although I agree with you about that particular advice, “kerb” is the way it’s spelled in British and Australian English.

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