(Closed) **UPDATE** Starting to wonder if we should have got engaged :-(

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 47
8375 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

As so many prior posters have suggested, what you have described is not a good, positive, healthy, mature, mutually fulfilling relationshp.

I am sorry that you’re going through all of this, but I am very thankful to hear that you are not yet married to this guy and that your lease is up and you will not have to continue to live with him.

This is not the type of relationship that should lead to marriage. This is the type of relationship that needs to end so that you will be free from someone who is not good for you and so that you both will have the opportunity to learn and grow from this experience and to make some positive changes in your lives, if you both individually choose to do so.

Please do NOT stay with a man who is not good for you simply becauase you don’t want to be alone and have never met anyone else you would ever consider marrying. I have never been in this type of a relationship, but I’ve been in relationships that were not good for me for one reason or another, and I had to learn to walk away, even though I had no idea when I would eventually meet the right person.

Despite having some guys who expressed interest in dating me, I spent almost all of my 30s and some of my 40s as a single woman, because I did not meet anyone during those years whom I thought would be the right kind of husband. Although I ideally would have liked to have been married by then, I discovered that being on my own had many wonderful benefits. I was able to truly focus on other things that were highly important to me, such as growing in my relationship with God, developing my relationships with amazing friends, exploring opportunities for being involved with ministries in my church, putting my time and energy into my challenging and rewarding career, purchasing and decorating my own home, having the resources and flexibility to dine out often and travel to exciting places, etc. 

Even though you have a particular vision for your future, please do not hold onto this man and this unhealthy relationship simply because you are afraid of walking away. So often, we tend to prefer the pain we already know (in this case, the unhealthy relationship) vs. the pain we fear (in this case, being alone and not knowing if or when you may meet someone else.) However, that’s like not going to the dentist when you have a bad tooth that is causing a toothache. It may hurt to have the tooth fixed or pulled, but, soon after, you’ll feel much better, and, eventually, you’ll be fine. If you never go to the dentist, however, the problem with the tooth will never resolve on its own. It will continue to cause pain, further decay, and a host of other problems that you hadn’t even considered while you were just trying to ignore the tooth.

I know that this is very hard and very painful, but try to look at your situation as an OPPORTUNITY for you to make some very positive changes in your life rather than a terribly sad ending of a relationship that you are afraid to relinquish. You CAN have a better life and a better future, but YOU have to CHOOSE that. Finally, realize that you cannot choose a better future for your Fiance.  This is something that only HE can do, and only when he is ready to do it.

I wish you the best!

Post # 48
1767 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I’m with everyone else on this. Leave him.

You may love him, but he clearly doesn’t feel the same way about you. He is only threatening you now, so what happens when he follows through? Because he will. This is just the first step.

He’s been emotionally abusing you… it’s just a matter of time before it becomes much much worse, 🙁 

I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but if this is how it is now, imagine 5 years from now – what would your life look like then? 

Post # 50
1733 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

“Change happens when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change.”-Andy Stanley

Post # 51
4497 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@weeble78:  Thank you for keeping us updated!

Is there any way you can take some time away from each other? Sometimes the thought of leaving is paralyzing and also if hes type of behaivor is all you are used to, it has become acceptable to you which makes it harder to seek change or even see the problem.

Thinking of you!

Post # 52
595 posts
Busy bee

@weeble78: You deserve someone who loves you more than anything in this world. Who puts your needs above theirs, who cherishes every aspect of you, and finds even your shortcomings endearng. You deserve someone who will sing your praises, comfort you when you are sad, and lift you up. Someone who sees in you everything that is good, and brings out the absolute best in you. Someone who builds you up rather than tears you down, and someone who you know with all your heart loves unconditionally. I understand the devastation and despair you may be feeling now, but please don’t settle for anything less than the best. You deserve to be happy. Marriage is a huge, huge life decision and if you are having any hesitations right now, take some time to do some real soul searching. Never stay with somebody out of fear. Fear of them, fear of the unkonwn, fear of feeling sad. It may not seem like it now, but you WILL get through this.

Post # 53
480 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

jules28 yes, agree with everything you’ve said.

Post # 54
1017 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I honestly cringe when I see posts like this. If  man “threatened to ‘smash me in the face if I didn’t f**k off’.” as a fiance, I guarantee it will be even worse after the wedding. People do not change because we want them to – they have to want to. No woman should be so desperate as to stay with a person like that. I can understand it can be difficult to leave a relationship when children are involved but this is not the case. The expiration of the lease provides an excellent exit point – do yourself a huge favor and take this opportunity to get out!

Post # 55
1956 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Based on what you’ve posted on this particular thread, I would strongly encourage you to leave him. Don’t kid yourself into believing that his apology is anything but a way to get what he wants. He is not in any way looking out for your best interests. He doesn’t love you the way you deserve to be loved and treated and cared for. Please don’t settle just because of an apology and the mention of counseling. 

I was in a similar situation several years ago, except I was married to the guy. My now ex-husband started out being controlling, manipulative, and using childish tactics to get me to do what he wanted me to do. When we argued and fought, he would yell explitives at me and berate me. It escalated to him lunging at me, then punching the wall behind me (8 inches from my face) and finally putting his hands around my neck and strangling/shaking me. The following morning, I told him I was done and then stayed at my parents’ house for a week. I moved back in to our house for the remainder of our lease (less than 2 months) but we lived like roommates. I filed for divorce after we both moved out and it was the best decision I ever made.

I am now engaged to the most loving, caring, wonderful man who approaches disagreements in a controlled and respectful manner.

Post # 56
3949 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

I feel so bad for you.  This is tough.  You can’t MAKE him do anything and he doesn’t sound like he cares.

Do the ..concentrating on YOURSELF thing.  Go to counseling, go the gym, go hiking, hang with your friends and just seperate from him.  If he comes back … he does if not… you’re in great shape and happy and mentally sane and that’s better than  being married to some lame ass.

Post # 57
3214 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

@weeble78:  I just want to let you know that there are lots of people who will support you as you go through this. It is far worse to be lonely in a relationship than to be alone out of one. I cannot say that strongly enough.

I also want to say, in case you don’t already know, that his distraught apology is part of the classic cycle of abuse. His apology and regret IN NO WAY means that he won’t do it again. 

IMO, the very best thing you could do is move out at the end of your lease and start seeing a therapist on your own. A good one can help you see this relationship more clearly than strangers on the internet.

Huge hugs. You can get through this, and you ARE strong enough to do what you know you need to do.

Post # 58
54 posts
Worker bee

@weeble78:  Sorry but most of them don’t change, they just get worse.

My ex was always sorry too, and always promised to get help, til the day he nearly killed me.

For your safety and wellbeing, I beg of you to distance yourself until he hopefully gets some help.

Post # 59
572 posts
Busy bee

Just going to say it again.  Be the woman you’d want your daughter to be.  Abuse is a cycle and I hope he doesn’t pass it on to your children.

Post # 60
900 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

any jerk who ever swore or yelled at me in public, I would break up with.

and if he ever threatened to smash me in the face with anything, I’d be gone.

I’m sorry you are going through this, but you know in your heart that this isn’t right.

leave a bad situation before it gets worse.

Post # 61
1042 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

@weeble78:   If he hasnt been this way and this is something very new then he may be “testing” the relationship.  Sometimes people panic, maybe he is testing and pushing because he is scared of the idea of forever and is testing to see if you will stick around?

If this is how he always is then you have to decide if this is the type of realtionship you want to be in forever, if he is always like this then get out now!

edt:  also the love and care between two people should be the same or else who ever loves and cares the least has the most controle over the relationship and that is not healthy!

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