(Closed) **UPDATE** Starting to wonder if we should have got engaged :-(

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 62
Member
367 posts
Helper bee

OP – You said, “God how am I going to go through all this again???!!!  I am panicking, I can’t do this everyone…..  I’ve feel devastated…..he’s the only one who Ii’ve thought is sthe ‘one’, the only one I ever wanted to marry, the only one who made me want children and a future.”

Breaking up will hurt – there’s simply no way around that – but it sounds like staying with him might hurt a lot more in the long run. Don’t be afraid to do what’s right for you, because you deserve so much better than this.

To be blunt, breaking an engagement is less painful than the alternatives you are facing: being married to someone who doesn’t show love for you, living in fear of your husband, and/or eventually getting a divorce from someone who doesn’t seem to respect you.

One of my best friends went through a divorce from a husband who was emotionally abusive and threatening. It was emotionally excruciating for her to end their marriage, but she is so much happier with her life now that he’s out of it. She is single and still looking for “the one,” but she is better off without someone who doesn’t treat her right. 

janetsnakehole “i have had “the one” feelings about more than one guy.  i was always wrong before because i’d never had anyone who treated me as well as Fiance.”

THIS. I’m 25 and have had that feeling before with someone who I now realize is a loser, and my aforementioned friend had that feeling with her psycho ex. You thought he was “the one,” but he’s acted in ways that make you doubt that. Listen to your doubts. There are so many men out there who would never, ever make you feel unloved or unsafe or disrespected. Please don’t marry this guy when there are so many wonderful men out there who could make you so much happier!!!

Post # 63
Member
5983 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 1999

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@weeble78:  I’m writing again because I’m very concerned for you.  Speak to a professional.  Read about emotionally abusive relationships and/or manipulative men.  HE reminds me of a previous boyfriend I had.  It took a TON of courage and strength to walk away, but it was the BEST decision I ever made for myself.  God Bless you, dear!

Post # 64
Member
184 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - Woodwinds

I went through this with my x.  After several threats ( red flag red flag)  he did wind up hitting me. I left the next day and didnt look back

my advice to you is Leave now. 

Flash forward 4 years and I found my fiance.

My fiance and I have been in quite a few  screaming blow outs. Who hasnt?

 He has never threatened to hit me. no MAN would. 

If and he did I’d leave. and never look back.  

Post # 65
Member
184 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - Woodwinds

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@mtnhoney:  Totally agree

Post # 66
Member
273 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

Leaving is the hardest part!!

I was with someone for 10 years & I didn’t think it was an abusive relationship, I ALWAYS made excuses for his actions (I provoked it, I started the fight, even to go as far as I didn’t prepare the food he wanted) and then one day we were arguing and I was driving my car and he smashed my head against the drivers side window almost causing a major accident yet I still didn’t leave him and a few days later (he got out of the car to “calm down” and I drove away) he came to my house to tell me how sorry he was and that he loves me and would never do something like that again.

Sadly I have to say it happened again and again, he never physically “hit me” (didn’t punch me or slap me) but he slammed me against a wall, shoved me onto the bed, slammed a sliding glass door on my arm, threw stuff at me, yelled at me in public, called me names (b*tch, c*nt, sl*t, wh*ore, etc) and the list goes on and on and EVERYtime he came to me within a few days and expressed sorrow and said it wouldn’t happen again.

Finally I left and it was the hardest yet BEST thing I ever did!!

I met MrN shortly after and he is so different from my ex, we argue (it is healthy to disagree)BUT it is respectful,  he doesn’t threaten violence or raise a hand to me & I am confident he never will.

I say you should leave, don’t worry if your flat is up for lease or not, leave and go somewhere safe (to your parents, a friend, family member, anyone who will help keep you safe), I say this because when you leave he may become more violent so you should be somewhere you are safe.

Please don’t fall for the “I’m sorry, so sorry, it’ll never happen again” and all that BS, I really don’t know how to make you understand this is NOT healthy and that you NEED to leave!

Please take care and protect yourself.

Post # 67
Member
3120 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

OP, after reading this advice, how are you feeling?  I know this isn’t easy for you.  We are all here for you….no matter what!

Post # 68
Member
98 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Dude……………………wow. You two are barely engaged and he’s already verbally abusive and threatening violence! This is not a guy you want to be in a relationship let alone MARRY. I was in a relationship similar to yours for 2 years and the abuse just gets worse, with time, not better. It started out with yelling/cursing and progressed to name calling/degradation then onto physical violence. Please do yourself a favor, realize you deserve better and move on.

Post # 69
Member
1826 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

Did you check out the link I sent you? It will give you insight into why you are feeling the way you do and why he is acting the way he is (the push-pull behavior). It is the cycle of abuse and doesn’t change just keeps getting worse.

Post # 70
Member
2649 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

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@weeble78:  I’m sorry doesn’t cut it. And there are some things that counciling won’t fix. 

Right now he’s scared you will leave Him. Of course he’s gonna do what ever to fix it.  Then it will just cycle back, to the abusive behavior, he will say sorry it won’t happen again, let’s fix it. Wash, rince, repeat. 

I have a box of “I’m sorry” things from a bad ex.  It never changed. 🙁

Post # 71
Member
2031 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Since this is an *update* I went back and read through your previous posts to get the full story.  Your Fiance is immature, at best, and a word I won’t type out here at worst.  I’m sure he has nice qualities, but his recent behavior is unacceptable, ESPECIALLY if he is threatening violence.  That is NEVER OK.  It sounds to me like he was caught between losing you forever or marrying you, so he chose to marry you when that may not have been his first choice.  He’s agreed to let your parents pay for things so that he won’t have to, and yet doesn’t want them to make any decisions and gets angry when you try to include him.  I’m so sorry, but your marriage is not going to be a happy one if this is how he responds to anything.  Marriage and relationships are about teamwork, not one person doing all of the work and all of the worrying while the other does whatever he wants.  

I hate to say this, and I haven’t read through the responses to know if I’m in the minority here, but I think your relationship needs a break.  A long break.  I would find your own place, give him back the ring, and tell him that you don’t want to get married to someone who only proposed to make you happy because it is making you both miserable.  Forget the timing and the age limits, and start over.  If it’s meant to be with your Fiance, you will work it out while maintaining separate space and come together naturally in time.  If it isn’t, it’s MUCH better to find out now before you’ve gotten married and bought a house.

Post # 72
Member
989 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@weeble78:  Look when I read this it reminded me of an abusive Ex. I know it is really hard when there seems to be a sure future, the promise of a husband and love to break things off but I don’t see any other way to fix this. He has his claws in you and he pushes you until you break then apologises and does something else to hurt you. Thats what I got from what you wrote. If this is the case he isn’t ready for a commitment that he has made. I hate to see a fellow bride hurt but we will still love you and be glad to have you on the site if you let him go. Mr. Right will come along, don’t settle for Mr. Right Now

Post # 73
Member
192 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013 - ceremony at a gazebo outside, reception at neighboring restaurant on a lake

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@janetsnakehole:  Both your responses were exactly my thoughts.

OP: imagine him yelling at your future child holding his shoe over the head “I’ll smash your face in if you don’t back the fuck off!”

Physical threats: deal breaker.  My fiance broke a chair one time and punched through a door (flimsy ass door – he’s not superman!) but NEVER EVER threatened me.  I wasn’t even around when he punched the stuff because he didn’t want me to see him get that angry.  And he was mortified later when I saw the stuff and he had to explain it.  He didn’t blame me for “making him”, he blamed himself.  I didn’t gush and apologize, I could just tell he was embarrassed because he said “he didn’t want to talk about it and he felt bad about it”.  He would never physcially threaten me and it is so innapropriate for anyone to do that especially men to threaten women since they are naturally so much stronger than us. 

He does sound like he’s acting like a dick because he is okay if the relationship ends.  Why was he not UPSET when thinking about it ending and crying rather than coming into your room and asking is it over?

My fiance and I almost broke up at the beginning of our relationship.  We were in a 8 hour car trip.  We pulled over probably 5 times just because we were both crying so much.  We obviously decided not to break up and are great now.  Point is, he should be upset!! 

You WILL find someone else.  You have grown attached to him because he is what you’ve known for so long and he has been the other half of your life for so long.  I can’t stress enough that you will recover.  When you first start dating someone, even many months into a new relationship you will probably question whether or not you could ever care as much about that new person as you did your ex (well hopefully, you will soon make him your ex) but as a new relationship grows you eventually will feel as strongly about them.  And they will be your new love of your life that you can imagine having children with and that you can be safe knowing he will never treat you like shit or threaten you (if you make sure you keep your standards when finding new men!!). 

It will be hard and scary but it is the best.  Even when I’ve pushed my fiance to the brink when I’m being a crazy bitch on my period and making demands and wanting him to be and act some way I’m expecting, he broke a chair not in my presence and felt like a dumbass afterwards. 

I hope you figure this out.  Keep posting updates, we are all here for you, girl.

Post # 74
Member
543 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I can’t believe you have to ask for advice on this one.  Run.  NOW.  Get out while you can.  His behavior has escalated in one week from something you already weren’t happy with.  What is there to think about?

Post # 75
Member
80 posts
Worker bee

God how am I going to go through all this again???!!! […]  Please help, any more opinions??????

 

Sounds to me like you want us to tell you to stay?  I’m not going to tell you what you want to hear….

 

You deserve better sweetie, you deserve way better.  You deserve to be treated like a princess ALL the time, not just when he’s in a good mood.

This guy is a wuss and too scared to dump you, he could live without you. He’s tying to get you to leave. (my opinion).

The truth is : you can live without him too.  And you can live a happier and SAFER life.

Leave now, before you add kids and marriage into the mix and have even more “reasons” not to leave.

You deserve better.  Think about if you were your own daughter, or your best friend.  What would you want for them?  What would you tell them?

Post # 76
Member
29 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2014

You deserve better and if you give yourself that chance, you will find better.

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