- 3 years ago
So I’m writing this post because so many of you so kindly helped me and have been there for me on this forum throughout my dark times and this really tough time I’ve been going through with boyfriend of 4 years. I wanted to give you an update (as I was chatting with one other Bee privately who has also helped me , and thought I owe it to you all to tell you what choice I made)..
I’m SO sorry it’s taken 2 weeks to respond to this. I was travelling in Atlanta and Amsterdam on business trips and hadn’t even checked into Wedding bee.. but you are an absolute diamond for sharing your amazing stories. What an interesting and amazing life you have led! I’m so happy that you got your dream and your man eventually proposed 🙂 that story made me feel so much joy for you.
In case any of you don’t remember – my boyfriend of 4 years (who I moved to France for – and lived with for 2 years ) refused to ever get married because he views marriage as a “prison sentence” – as he already has a 10 year old daughter with his ex girlfriend who constantly threatens him for more money in addition to the child support that he already pays.. while he is also the most amazing dad and has 50% custody of his daughter, so feels HUGE resentment towards his situation and therefore doesn’t want any more legal ties in his life.. and simply wants an easy, stress free life with me – who he loves – and wants family with (soon)… however I will NOT have children with him without getting married first. I’ve made that perfecntly clear.
Anyway, now that the brief re-cap is out of the way… we were debating last week and I told him that I honestly felt that he didn’t appreciate the huge commitment I made at the age of 21 moving to France – whenever I told him that I missed my family & friends, or whenever I told him that I felt he didn’t sympathise with me, he would say “but it’s nothing out of the ordinary. Lots of people move abroad and learn another language. If I didn’t have a daughter and my own business, I would have done exactly the same and gone abroad. You are lucky that you are young with no commitments, so of course you can move to another country – it’s no big deal”!…..
It INFURIATED ME… it’s not exactly easy to move to another country at the age of 21, learn another language almost fluently, get a job all on your own (not only that, but a a good job that involved travel across Europe and the USA) while also juggling flying back to London regularly to see my friends and family WHILE still making time for my boyfriend and supporting his rugby… not once did I ever get praise from him or simply a “I’m so proud of you for what you have done”. It was always just normalised by him. Then whenever I spoke to my friends and family at home they would be so impressed by what I had done and what I had achieved.
So, those of you who read my last posts will know that I was debating a huge job offer, 3 times my salary in London but didn’t know whether to take it because it would mean not returning back to France. I have an update for you.. I accepted the new job in London.
I realized that after 4 years, if he really loved me and cared about my needs, he would propose. Then last week, he called me and told me that he misses me terribly and wants me to move back to France and transfer back to my company’s French office. He said that all he wants is to have a family together and be happy. I told him that I’ve already made it clear that marriage is important to me before having children. He told me that he’s made it clear, he views marriage as a prison sentence and that he’s not changing his views.
The next day, I accepted the new London job and handed in my notice at work. They were very upset, but I just need to do something for ME now. Now that he has made it clear marriage isn’t an option – I need a job that is MINE . Not a job that I’m doing just because it gives me a means to transfer back to France if I need to.
Do you know what I also did? I booked 1 month around South East Asia solo. I fly on 20th May for 1 month before I start my new job on 25th June. He doesn’t know that yet!
Then last night, after not having spoken to each other in days, he called me and asked me where we stand. I told him that if marriage is never an option, I see us travelling down two completely different paths and that we just aren’t right for each other. He then told me ”so this is YOU that has made this choice. YOU have decided that you don’t want to make a life with me and you don’t want a family with me”.
I told him that I couldn’t want anything more than to have a family with him and make my life with him, but imaging the years of pain and resentment that would build over time attending friends’ weddings, their hen-do’s, their children’s christenings (of their MARRIED parents), the doctors visits where the doctor calls out my child’s surname that isn’t my own….. those years of pain that I can already forecast aren’t worth it.. over perhaps the few years of pain I would feel while getting over him… I know what option I would rather choose. I said that for ME, marriage before children is important, and that I’ve already shown I would be prepared to make sacrifices for him: moving to france, learning french, leaving my support network in england to have a family with him, but I will NOT do that without commitment on his side (marriage).
His response? ”so you’re breaking up with me then. Just say it”. I told him ”if I have to be the one to take 100% of the blame because you can’t, then so be it ”.
He then said to me ”how can you throw away 4 years of our life together? Over this?”.
We haven’t spoken since yesterday.. and I truly believe that this is the end… I’m so heartbroken, and yet so confused that he would simply let me walk away fully and almost try and push me and twist the situation to make out that the reason I don’t want to be with him is because I simply don’t want a family with him?!?!? Of course I do.. just not in the way that he wants…
Now I suppose I can only move forward with my life.. I’m feeling totally broken. He even messaged me this evening to say “how can you do this after 4 years. I love you”
But if he loved me that much…. he would be proposing…. I feel broken, but strong with my decision, and maybe one day he will come back to me and tell me that he wants me to be his wife…. but until then, I will try and heal..