Update… the boyfriend who views marriage as a prison sentence

posted 1 year ago in Relationships
Post # 136
Member
1480 posts
Bumble bee

He’s gaslighting you. Dont fall for it. Stop talking to him. 

Post # 137
Member
1116 posts
Bumble bee

After reading the last update OP, I have to say, part of me admires your ex.

I’ve never heard of a man who admits up front he does not plan to have any part of raising his own child. Most of them lie and say how much of an involved father they are going to be. Not this guy! He’s telling you in advance “if we have a baby, you are doing 100% of the work while I’m off living my life”.

WOW.

Post # 138
Member
617 posts
Busy bee

He sounds emotionally manipulative, using guilt to get his way. If he’s not willing to compromise with you, I would just stop talking with him entirely. Sounds like he’s got a co-dependent attachment to you, which aint healthy. 

Post # 139
Member
2533 posts
Sugar bee

He said “you don’t even include me in your plans anymore. I’m not in your future. Had you not thought of maybe going away on a trip together? Maybe a surprise holiday?” 

This part was so familiar to me. Abusers/users/manipulators LOVE this “guilting a strong person for beign strong” angle.

Instead of admiring your strength, they make it into a BAD thing – b/c to them, it IS a bad thing. The stronger you are, the less control they have over you. The more you put distance between the two of you, the less confidence they have in their control over you. 

You are 25 years young.

This is something you need to learn.

Do not EVER allow a man to guilt you for being strong and living for YOURSELF first. 

A healthy man will admire that strength in you.

A weak, manipulative man will try to make you feel guilty any time you don’t put THEM first. 

I dated a manipulative man in my early 20’s for 3 years. We broke up for 4 months, but I stupidly allowed him to weasle his way back in on a trial basis. I had seen the light and stayed strong for 4 months, but some part of me still wanted to give him another change just in case it could live up to my fantasy this time. 

While we were in this trial basis, I continued to live for MYSELF as I had done while we were broken up. We lived in different cities, with different friends. 

ALL the sources of strife during that trial run was him reacting badly to me living for myself.

The part of your update that I quoted above reminds me of the time I bought a puppy for myself without telling or asking him. In my mind, we most likely wouldn’t work out, and besides, I had been planning to buy a puppy of this particular breed for a long time, and I was finally in a position where I could.

So I surprised him with the puppy when he came to visit that weekend, naively thinking he would be happy for me and it would be great fun.

He became so angry when I showed him the puppy that I thought he was going to hit me for a minute. We had a full-on fight over it, which he kept escalating. When things finally settled down, his justification for his reaction was that,

“It hurt my feelings that you would buy a dog without me, knowing full well it will affect MY life, too. It made me feel like you are just living for yourself, doing what YOU want to do, with no consideration for me.”

So this parallels your ex’s comment in two ways: 

1.) Twists your strength and ability to put yourself first into a BAD thing you should feel guilty about

2.) Excuses terrible behavior when really there is NEVER an excuse for treating your partner terribly

Having your feelings hurt is not an excuse. A family member dying is not an excuse. There is NO excuse. Ever.

There are plenty of men out there who can have their feelings hurt or grieve the loss of a loved one and never use you as an emotional punching bag. Go find yourself one of those men. 

Post # 140
Member
576 posts
Busy bee

I don’t know why you’re still talking to him. He’s an emotionally-manipulative jerk. Just send him one final goodbye and then block his number. You need to break free of him and move on. I don’t understand why you’re even entertaining the thought of getting back together with him. He doesn’t want marriage and you do – isn’t that why you broke up? He will never change, so I see no point in entertaining this any further. Plus he sounds EXHAUSTING. Just stop talking to him!!

Oh and you should NOT let him manipulate you into feeling bad and excusing his treatment of you just because his mother died 6 months ago. My mother and many other close family members have all died in the past few years and yes it was difficult but I’m an adult and I dealt with it – I didn’t take it out on my partner or anyone else. Death is never an excuse to be a jerk and he knows that, he’s just manipulating you! So stop letting him and maybe consider seeing a therapist about all of this because it’s not normal to let someone gaslight you like this. I’m sure you know that but you need to be aware of when a person is a manipulator so you don’t get in another relationship like this. Good luck. 

Post # 141
Member
10456 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

joanne1992 :  

Stop. Talking. To. Him.

Devote the time to research on narcissism.

Consider spending some time in therapy to gain some understanding as to why this guy is even remotely appealing to you and how you missed so many warnings.  And for gawd’s sake, what is the source of this totally irrational guilt that drives you into such self destructive behavior?

Read The Betrayal Bond, by Dr Patrick Carnes.

Do anything but talk to your ex.  Absolutely nothing positive will come out of it.  Nothing.

 

Post # 142
Member
2705 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

joanne1992 :  tough love here. You’re an absolute idiot if you go back… 

Stay where you are and get counseling for yourself. It may help you to understand why you’re willing to put up with his manipulation and emotional abuse….

Post # 143
Member
175 posts
Blushing bee

If he needs someone to help him deal with the loss of his mother, he should go to a therapist. AND LEAVE YOU OUT OF IT.

 

Do NOT have any more contact with him! You have a great job waiting and lots of wonderful opportunities ahead of you. Don’t ever forget how awesome you are.

Post # 144
Member
1339 posts
Bumble bee

Stop taking his calls. Block his number or delete it. You must go NO CONTACT now. Like a submarine under the arctic.

 

 

Post # 145
Member
6437 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

joanne1992 :  In case it wasn’t clear from the other responses to your update, I want to run it home: Your EX boyfriend is a disgusting pig of a human being.  Don’t let him guilt you into coming back to him.  Embrace your singleness in all its glory because you are going to be a thousand times happier.  Block, block, block and never speak to him again.  I want to punch him in the face for some of what he said to you (and I don’t say that lightly).  What an ass.

Post # 146
Member
57 posts
Worker bee

Okay, don’t usually reply to these sort of threads but from a third party perspective am very irritated. I know, nobody knows what it really feels like to be in the shoes of another but, correct me if i am wrong. You are…

1) 25 years old

2) Obviously intelligent and successful given that you have a high paying job and highly sought after by companies

3) Articulate and talented, bilingual 

4) Have a great support system in terms of family and friends whilst living in LONDON, one of the most fabulous cities ever riddled with opportunities.

HELLO! Why on earth are you moaning over some loser who thinks you are good enough to knock up but not marry? Jesus girl, you are so young and have so many upsides to life, why the eff would you want to tie yourself down to deadweight like that? 

Go and LIVE life, heck who knows you might meet the next Eddie Redmayne or Benedict Cumberbatch on the tube or something of the like… 

Sorry for the rant… just shaking my head here. Not many women out there would be so lucky to have a wonderful life, and you are practically begging to be dragged down by baggage… 

Post # 148
Member
179 posts
Blushing bee

How are you doing, OP?

Post # 149
Member
1613 posts
Bumble bee

joanne1992 :   First of all, congratulations on the new job and I hope you enjoy it! From a fellow English bee. 

 You made the right decision. When he called you he was only gaslighting the problems onto you, he was taking no responsibility for it even though he knew why it wasn’t happening.  It is crazy how he wants the commitment in one way but be so against it in another way, and it’s something that you can’t expect someone to give up. It sounds like he would never change his mind on that situation. He will probably regret it several years down the line but that is not your problem. It is not okay for him to expect so much but give nothing in return. 

I think you will find a happier life elsewhere, one where you don’t have to give up everything.

Post # 150
Member
143 posts
Blushing bee

Hope you are ok and feeling better since your last update.

You have no reason to feel guilty.

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