Update… the boyfriend who views marriage as a prison sentence

posted 1 year ago in Relationships
Post # 451
Member
6793 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

joanne1992 :  And so it continues where he just keeps thinking about HIS needs and how you should be bending to his every whim. What an asshole! 

Post # 452
Member
53 posts
Worker bee

3 am phonecalls. Hope he wasn’t drunk and calling you.

Is he still angry that you’re heading to Asia alone or what?

Post # 454
Member
6533 posts
Bee Keeper

Hugs, Bee. 

He sounds worse and worse with every post. A man who really loves you won’t treat you this way. Go to Asia, explore, find yourself again and do your best to get to a place where you can believe that you deserve better. More hugs. 

Post # 455
Member
8260 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

 

Dear OP, I mean this in the gentlest possible way, but l think you are beginning to wallow and dramatise “cried all night in my mother’s arms” for eg. ( not saying you didn’t of course)

Naturally you are sad and unsettled and grieving the loss of your relationship, but the time has to come when you need to stop recalling every detail and every word said and counting the number of phone calls . And most of all to stop thinking and speculating whatever might have been, has not been and/ or might still might be if only xyz ….

You and Monsieur Le Rugby Star are never going to want the same thing and he is never going to accept that your desires are as important as his.  Time to woman up and stop this , ok?

Post # 456
Member
5427 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

joanne1992 :  

Has he even ONCE asked about your dad?

He is losing his shit because you’re done. He’s calling more than he ever has and he’s being more disgusting with the absurd, RIDICULOUS guilt garbage because he knows you’re done.

Be Strong, STAY done, and think about blocking his number. What an ass 😡😡😡

Post # 457
Member
1572 posts
Bumble bee

joanne1992 :  he would NOT have come round if you’d kept quiet. You reacted normally in that situation. Good on you for being strong. Have an amazing time in Asia and don’t look back! please update us on your adventures!

Post # 458
Member
143 posts
Blushing bee

I think you’ve done really well to be that way with him now. You’ll have a fab time in Asia and it will help you so much in terms of self esteem. You’ll get moments where you’re sad but that will be naturally. Enjoy every moment of it and well done for finally cutting off contact.

Post # 459
Member
2754 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

joanne1992 :  he really is a knob head! Go to Asia and have a blast. Go no contact! You will thank yourself later.

 

Post # 460
Member
478 posts
Helper bee

joanne1992 :  Just so you know, none of what he said is really true. None of this is your fault. He doesn’t want to be married and he is grasping at different straws to justify his behavior and either guilt you back to him or make you feel low enough that you don’t deserve anything but him. It is classic abusive behavior.

Once the abuser sees that the abused person is gaining confidence, they feel threatened and try to break that confidence down as quickly as possible. Don’t let him win.

I used to live in South Korea and I travelled through China. Enjoy it! Hike everywhere! Eat everything. Drink it in! You are so strong and this is such a defining moment for you. He is such a sad, little man and you have all of the power, youth on your side, a great job, a supportive family and the ability to do anything you want in this world.

Knock ’em dead, girl!

Post # 461
Member
899 posts
Busy bee

Oh for goodness sakes. He doesn’t want to marry you. He never wanted to marry you. He wasn’t going to come around and propose. You are totally delusional and this is getting sooooo melodramatic. He’s a loser. He doesn’t love you enough. You were just convenient and easy for the past 4 years, because you were a doormat. Get over it!! He is not the one!! You are making the right decision.

Post # 462
Member
1235 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

He literally looks at you like an incubator. He does not care about you enough to prioritize your needs and nothing you could’ve done would have changed that. Good for you for hanging up on him and not taking his calls. You’re on your way, bee. Don’t dwell on the hurtful things he said to guilt you and go have an amazing time in Asia!!!

Post # 463
Member
10569 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

joanne1992 :  

Bee, all of his behavior is the result of his panic.  He fears losing, not you, but the source of his Narcissistic Supply.

Calling at 3 am, 25 phone calls—this is not normal behavior, Bee.  It’s crazy.  It’s stalker behavior.  You’re slipping the noose and he is both terrified and outraged.

The best possible outcome here is that you go No Contact and he quickly finds your replacement, as narcissists are wont to do.

Post # 464
Member
11963 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

It kind of stuns me that to this very moment you are still emphasizing the commitment aspect of this whole thing. 

He’s not just a commitment phobe, he’s an an abusive, impulsive, narcissistic, gaslighting, humiliating, hypocritical commitment phobe. With serious anger and emotional issues. 

But I guess we should be grateful for small favors in that he’s angrily letting you know marriage is not on the table as opposed to luring you in with the possibility he’s changed his mind. Of course that could change again tomorrow. 

Please, please, go no contact at long last. You are not doing either one of you any favors dragging this thing out. The drama is not serving you well and unstable as he is during times of stress, it might even put you at risk. 

Be done and mean it. 

Post # 465
Member
708 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2020

So…he is begging to see you, but then got uppity and snotty when it came to who flew to who? What?!

Also, he keeps repeating that he wants it to “go back to how it was.” The point is that you were NOT HAPPY with how it was.

He really gives ZERO f*cks about how you feel in any of this. I have faith you will see this after your trip. I’m so glad you are going. It will take time to heal and I don’t blame you for still not seeing what we all see so clearly (it’s so hard to when you’re still in the thick of it), but trust me when I say a future with him would be miserable. No question what-so-ever.

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