Post # 451
Member6930 posts
Busy Beekeeper
- llevinso
- 3 years ago
- Wedding: April 2016
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- CategoriesRelationship
(Closed) Update… the boyfriend who views marriage as a prison sentence
posted 3 years ago in RelationshipsMember joanne1992 : And so it continues where he just keeps thinking about HIS needs and how you should be bending to his every whim. What an asshole!
Post # 452
Member50 posts
Worker bee
- sarah156
- 3 years ago
3 am phonecalls. Hope he wasn’t drunk and calling you.
Is he still angry that you’re heading to Asia alone or what?
Post # 453
Member53 posts
Worker bee
- joanne1992
- 3 years ago
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I told him that I am going to be away for a month in Asia so I won’t be able to see him until at least July, to which he asked if I could fly over to France at the end of July when I’m back. I told him that I’m not going to be flying over to see him any more, considering he only flew from France to London to visit me one time since December .. we’re now in May! It’s been me flying there EVERY month due to his rugby commiments and his daughter. He said that he would pay for my flight and begged for me to go, but I told him that money isn’t even the issue, it’s the effort and the time that I’m more concerned about. He said he can’t fly to see me because he has either rugby or his daughter every weekend.. to which I told him that I think he simply wants everything on HIS terms and that he won’t fly to England because it’s not on HIS terms. He replied saying “yes probably”. I was livid. He said “You’re the one who left me when I needed you after my mother died. So you can come here”. I told him maybe he should think about WHY I left instead of constantly throwing that in my face..
He then turned and said that he is not waiting for me until July. He said that “time is running out” for him to have more children because he is 33 and doesn’t want any kids when he turns 35 because he doesn’t want to be an older dad. I told him that , as I’ve said time and time again, I want to be married before I have a family, which simply again confirms our incompatability.
He told me that as he has said, he doesn’t want to get married any time soon, and definitely not in the next 3 years. To which I said well then THERE YOU GO. You won’t get married in the next 2 years, and I won’t pop out babies in the nexy 2 years and move back to France for you when I feel that 1.) There’s no respect for me on your side.. and 2.) you won’t show any sign of commitment for me. I told him that I think to be honest, he’s a commitment phobe.
He replied to me last night saying “yes I am. I don’t want to make the wrong choice and marry the wrong person “. I was literally crushed by what he said. My confidence is completely gone. How could he even say that? I told him that if he even has to ask himself that question, then I AM the wrong person for him, because if you have doubts then that’s how you know.
He turned around and said that 1 year ago, he would have been 100% sure that I was the person he wanted to spend his life with, but that I changed since then .. especially when I started to become less interested in being intimate (because he broke the news that he didn’t see marriage happening in the future so I was completely HURT, and naturally lost the “mood” because I was living with im in France, having changed my life, thinking why am I even here then!!!?? Basically blaming me for the fact that he doesn’t believe in marriage any more.
I hung up on him and told him to leave me the fuck alone and that I’m done. I went to my parents house and cried all night in my mums arms while she told me that she feels that she has lost her daughter due to him knocking my confidence and that I need to cut him out. I had 25 missed calls from him after I hung up on him and told him that for me it’s over for good. And voicemails saying how he is SO dissapointed that I hung up on him and that I have no respect .
I feel numb but I am going on this trip to Asia tomorrow and going no contact while I’m out there. Bees, I feel heartbroken and crushed and everything he has said has made me wonder and question myself over the last year.. thinking maybe if I didn’t react so badly to him telling me he didn’t believe in marriage, maybe he would have come around after all.. but at the same time I can’t lie to myself and have regrets.
Post # 454
Member7808 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
- beethree
- 3 years ago
Hugs, Bee.
He sounds worse and worse with every post. A man who really loves you won’t treat you this way. Go to Asia, explore, find yourself again and do your best to get to a place where you can believe that you deserve better. More hugs.
Post # 455
Member10223 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
- elderberry
- 3 years ago
Dear OP, I mean this in the gentlest possible way, but l think you are beginning to wallow and dramatise “cried all night in my mother’s arms” for eg. ( not saying you didn’t of course)
Naturally you are sad and unsettled and grieving the loss of your relationship, but the time has to come when you need to stop recalling every detail and every word said and counting the number of phone calls . And most of all to stop thinking and speculating whatever might have been, has not been and/ or might still might be if only xyz ….
You and Monsieur Le Rugby Star are never going to want the same thing and he is never going to accept that your desires are as important as his. Time to woman up and stop this , ok?
Post # 456
Member5289 posts
Bee Keeper
- Sansa85
- 3 years ago
- Wedding: October 2017
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Has he even ONCE asked about your dad?
He is losing his shit because you’re done. He’s calling more than he ever has and he’s being more disgusting with the absurd, RIDICULOUS guilt garbage because he knows you’re done.
Be Strong, STAY done, and think about blocking his number. What an ass 😡😡😡
Post # 457
Member1493 posts
Bumble bee
- fran01
- 3 years ago
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Post # 458
Member183 posts
Blushing bee
- TeachingBee2628
- 3 years ago
I think you’ve done really well to be that way with him now. You’ll have a fab time in Asia and it will help you so much in terms of self esteem. You’ll get moments where you’re sad but that will be naturally. Enjoy every moment of it and well done for finally cutting off contact.
Post # 459
Member3484 posts
Sugar bee
- Twizbe
- 3 years ago
- Wedding: July 2011
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Post # 460
Member487 posts
Helper bee
- mrsbarack
- 3 years ago
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Once the abuser sees that the abused person is gaining confidence, they feel threatened and try to break that confidence down as quickly as possible. Don’t let him win.
I used to live in South Korea and I travelled through China. Enjoy it! Hike everywhere! Eat everything. Drink it in! You are so strong and this is such a defining moment for you. He is such a sad, little man and you have all of the power, youth on your side, a great job, a supportive family and the ability to do anything you want in this world.
Knock ’em dead, girl!
Post # 461
Member757 posts
Busy bee
- caligirlinmichigan
- 3 years ago
Oh for goodness sakes. He doesn’t want to marry you. He never wanted to marry you. He wasn’t going to come around and propose. You are totally delusional and this is getting sooooo melodramatic. He’s a loser. He doesn’t love you enough. You were just convenient and easy for the past 4 years, because you were a doormat. Get over it!! He is not the one!! You are making the right decision.
Post # 462
Member1194 posts
Bumble bee
- NikkiBee18
- 3 years ago
- Wedding: August 2018
He literally looks at you like an incubator. He does not care about you enough to prioritize your needs and nothing you could’ve done would have changed that. Good for you for hanging up on him and not taking his calls. You’re on your way, bee. Don’t dwell on the hurtful things he said to guilt you and go have an amazing time in Asia!!!
Post # 463
Member11155 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
- sassy411
- 3 years ago
- Wedding: City, State
View original reply
Bee, all of his behavior is the result of his panic. He fears losing, not you, but the source of his Narcissistic Supply.
Calling at 3 am, 25 phone calls—this is not normal behavior, Bee. It’s crazy. It’s stalker behavior. You’re slipping the noose and he is both terrified and outraged.
The best possible outcome here is that you go No Contact and he quickly finds your replacement, as narcissists are wont to do.
Post # 464
Member13717 posts
Honey Beekeeper
- weddingmaven
- 3 years ago
It kind of stuns me that to this very moment you are still emphasizing the commitment aspect of this whole thing.
He’s not just a commitment phobe, he’s an an abusive, impulsive, narcissistic, gaslighting, humiliating, hypocritical commitment phobe. With serious anger and emotional issues.
But I guess we should be grateful for small favors in that he’s angrily letting you know marriage is not on the table as opposed to luring you in with the possibility he’s changed his mind. Of course that could change again tomorrow.
Please, please, go no contact at long last. You are not doing either one of you any favors dragging this thing out. The drama is not serving you well and unstable as he is during times of stress, it might even put you at risk.
Be done and mean it.
Post # 465
Member948 posts
Busy bee
- CloverBells
- 3 years ago
- Wedding: February 2020
So…he is begging to see you, but then got uppity and snotty when it came to who flew to who? What?!
Also, he keeps repeating that he wants it to “go back to how it was.” The point is that you were NOT HAPPY with how it was.
He really gives ZERO f*cks about how you feel in any of this. I have faith you will see this after your trip. I’m so glad you are going. It will take time to heal and I don’t blame you for still not seeing what we all see so clearly (it’s so hard to when you’re still in the thick of it), but trust me when I say a future with him would be miserable. No question what-so-ever.
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