Update… the boyfriend who views marriage as a prison sentence

posted 1 month ago in Relationships
Post # 466
Member
252 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2020

Bee again please look at the abusive cycle.   Honeymoon = Begging and turning all back on you for “ruining” the relationship.   

You need to block his number.   Go on this trip and gain that confidence back.

Post # 467
Member
570 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

joanne1992 :  oh, what a pest! I’m sorry he won’t let go and let you heal. But you will be all right. Really, you will be all right.

For what it’s worth, I dated a guy for almost a year once. I thought I was madly in love with him and I was crushed when the relationship ended. It felt like I couldn’t breathe and the walls were falling in on me. It took me almost three years to let go of the hope that we’ll get back together. Well, I say I *thought* I was in love with him because in hindsight… I don’t think that relationship could have ever worked. I cared about him, and I thought he’s a good guy, and I still do – but there was an awful lot of fear mixed in with my feelings for him. Fear of not being good enough, not being pretty enough, not being nice enough to keep his attention. Basically, fear of being myself. That relationship helped both of us grow in good ways, but if we’d somehow stayed together I guess I’d have lived the rest of my life in fear. That’s no way to live. I cannot even tell you how nice it is when the man you love does not expect you to bend and break who you are for him – life is hard enough without that. I just hope you get to experience that kind of love one day.

Post # 468
Member
1166 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2015 - Malibou Lake Mountain Club

joanne1992 :  this is what he wants, to manipulate and control you. dont let him win. you know what you want and need in your life, and started taking the right steps. block him, or even put a reatraining order if you have to

Post # 469
Member
2013 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

joanne1992 : 

I agree with  CloverBells :  He said he “wants everything to be the way it was”. The way it WAS. Do you want to go back to the relationship you had with him 2/6/12 months ago and live like that for the rest of your life? Because that’s exactly what he is trying to lure you back into. Even his empty promises about the future are noticeably absent from his recent dialogue. Let him go FOR GOOD already. The longer you keep communicating with him, the longer he will continue to hurt you, and the longer it will take you to heal. 

Post # 470
Member
542 posts
Busy bee

STOP TALKING TO HIM… YOU’RE JUST PERPETUATING THE DRAMA. Block his number and move on with your life. Why are you doing this to yourself? Do you like the drama? The attention? If you don’t, then STOP COMMUNICATING WITH HIM. IT IS THAT SIMPLE. STOP. STOP. STOP.

This thread is almost as painful as Jen the Work Wife and I Don’t Want My Brother to Date My Best Friend. They all make you want to bang your head off the wall. 

Post # 471
Member
9700 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

I agree with PP that even in his so called desperation to get you back, he’s still hurling the accusations and insults and blaming you, taking no accountability or responsibility for his own behavior. I’d be done with him even if he said all the “right” things at this point. 

But he is nothing if not consistent. 

Post # 472
Member
7791 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

joanne1992 :  

. . . the way it was.

Translation:  When I had complete control over you.

Post # 473
Member
284 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

joanne1992 :  This probably not what you want to hear right now – but you did really well not to cave in to him.  I know you are hurt and you have a lot of happy memories with him. But when people are assholes then that’s when you truly see what they are.  This is him.

For your sake, block him and start to heal.  And when you waver remember your posts and remember what he said to you.

–  You ended the relationship.  But he thinks YOU to put the effort to make it work because just he doesn’t want to end the relationship yet.  

–  He doesn’t want to commit to the wrong person.  He thinks you are the wrong person for him – but he’s still trying to make you come back because you are his most invested baby incubator.  He wants to finish having kids fast and you are his easiest access to having kids.  Sure he can have a surrogate but then he will need to pay for additional child expenses whenever he’s away enjoying his life.  With you… you will have maternal obligation to take care of your own kids.

–  He guilts trip you EVERY single time.  “Well I acted angry cause of my mom death.”  “I shouldn’t put as much effort as you because you weren’t as considerate to me after my mom’s death”.  He will forever hold it above your head for anytime he is a jerk to you and wouldn’t accept responsibilities for his own actions.

–  Everything is always on his time and his convenience.  His request/ demand to see you after party trip just shows that he should be the centre of your universe.  But he can’t make the same effort to you because you aren’t the centre of his universe. 

Everyone wants to remember the happy moments – everyone wants to be happy.  But that’s not life.  There will always be tough moments and how you two deal with it speaks volume of what to expect in your relationship and will either make you two stronger or break you.  Your tough moment with him truly shows that you are the one expected to save the relationship.  That you should be the one sacrificing because he doesn’t want to.  That his wants over rule yours.

Post # 474
Member
53 posts
Worker bee

Have a fantastic trip!

His cruel comments just confirm what everyone already knew here.

I hope you did not cave in or call him back again, irrespective of how many times he calls you.

Post # 475
Member
450 posts
Helper bee

joanne1992 :  Why is this thread still going on? Let’s cut through all of the melodrama and bullshit here: he doesn’t love you. He doesn’t give a fuck about your life, family, wellbeing, or happiness. He may VERY WELL end up murdering you if you go back to him and try to leave again. He has been 10000000% transparent with you about his intentions since thread #1. Why are you still entertaining him??

 

What else do you want us to tell you? Stop talking to him. Get a new phone number. You’re young and have nothing to lose here—except maybe YOUR LIFE if you go back to him. 

 

Time to hike up your big girl panties and get on with your life, bee. Any sadness you experience from this point forward will be completely self-inflicted, as you should’ve shut this shit down WEEKS AGO.

Post # 476
Member
7 posts
Newbee

Hey Bee!! I didn’t have time to read the entire thread but I wanted to let you know that your story reminds me a lot about my ex. 

I was in a 3 year relationship with the man I was convinced I would marry. During the last year of our relationship I realized we wanted different things in life. I’m in the US and I lived in the same state my entire life. I felt trapped and had a strong desire to move away. It was my dream to move away before I even met the guy. On the other hand, he wanted to stay in the state forever and had no desire to move at all. After discussing it with each other for months, we realized that neither of us were willing to sacrifice a move or stay for the each other. I knew if I stayed, I would build resentment over time for not following my dream.I had to choose between him or my dream. I loved him but I knew I had to look out for my desires as well. Although it broke my heart to make any decision in regards to it, I chose to put myself first and decided to break up with him.

To my surprise, the breakup took 9 months of telling him, “I’m ending this relationship” because he would twist my emotions and guilt me into staying. Finally, I made a commitment to myself to ignore everything he says when I told him once again that I was breaking up with him. When I did my final attempt and he noticed I wasn’t feeling guilty anymore, his words got really mean and he started to say really mean things to me like how I was just like his mother who he hated and that I was incapable of doing anything for myself and that I would go no where in life if he wasn’t there by my side. His rant lasted about an hour and I just had to keep reminding myself while I sat there that he is hurt and once it is over I can walk away.

For a while, I was scared if I made the right decision. It didn’t take long for me to realize I did. I felt a happiness that I haven’t felt in a long, long time. He kept reaching out to me trying to guilt me into coming back to him by telling me how much I broke him. Later, when I began dating another guy, who is now my fiancé, my ex began guilting me even more and that was when I decided to block him in every way possible. And I don’t regret it one bit.

It wasn’t easy though. And even today, years later, it still haunts me. The emotional manipulation is hard to move forward from. Unfortunately, there is baggage that I still carry and sometimes my baggage effects my fiancé, but I see a therapist for it and my fiancé understands. There are still moments to this day that I feel guilty for breaking my ex’s heart.

I want you to know that you are a strong woman for walking away and putting yourself first. I believe you made the right decision. I also want to let you know that the guilt and pain and the things he said may haunt you like it does to me years later. Blocking him and giving yourself a support system that may include a therapist is the best way to move foward. I wish you the best! ❤️

 

Post # 477
Member
132 posts
Blushing bee

Have a lovely time in Asia.

The conversations that you have been having with him all seem to be getting more and more toxic, and lead to nothing. He pretty much admitted that it’s his way or the highway.

Don’t let him bring you down before your trip. I hope he has got the message after the 25 missed calls that you don’t wish to talk to him.

How is your father doing?

Post # 478
Member
1662 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

Good for you for telling him “no” and telling him that you are done. Enjoy your trip to Asia! I suggest that you block all his calls/texts. He can call/text you all he wants, but you won’t feel that reaction each time. The longer you hang in the worse this is going to feel. It’s like pulling off a Band-Aid. I see no reason to communicate with him anymore. It seems that you are hoping that he is going to change and that he is going to tell you something different. Let go!!

Post # 479
Member
6 posts
Newbee

I’ve lived this too. After 48 hours of blocking him entirely, I felt like a weight had lifted off my shoulders. Best decision ever. The more you see his name come up on your phone, the longer you’ll be stuck in this situation. The man you’ve described is a pig to epic proportions and he would have never married you regardless of whether you said anything or kept quiet and were the perfect stepford wife. 

 

People will do to you only what you allow them to. You’ve allowed him to treat you like crap. It’s high time that stop. He’s probably already crying to some other woman about what a b*tch you’ve been. He doesn’t care about you. He only wants a working uterus. 

Post # 480
Member
177 posts
Blushing bee

Blaming you for the conflict that he created with his lack of commitment. A new low, even for him. Have a wonderful, safe trip. It will get better, I promise.

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