Update: The timeline talk did not go as planned.

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
2633 posts
Sugar bee

“I told him that this is a joint decision, and he doesn’t get to make it on his own and on his own timeline. He can feel as “not ready” as he’d like for however long he’d like, but he absolutely cannot expect for me to always be here waiting. “

EXACTLY. Good for you for not backing down on that. It’s your future too, why should he get 100% say in what happens and when? Stick to your guns and keep the conversation going. And I think that’s smart not to re-sign the lease. Maybe he’ll start to think about it more seriously once he realizes how important it is to you. 

Post # 3
Member
4810 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

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azf0019 :  I am sorry the discussion didn’t go well.   Yeah, I’m in the don’t re-sign the lease camp too.  

You deserve to be treasured, after four years together, I would think he would know by now how much you mean to him.  *hugs* to you.

Post # 5
Member
2075 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

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azf0019 :  Proud of you bee….taking a stand for your future.  That whole “pressured” line is complete bs…you only feel pressure when you don’t want to do something.   Hopefully the next conversation will be better.  Try your best to keep emotions out of it and treat it like a negotiation.  In the end bee, you gotta enforce your consequences….hopefully you’ll be able to carry them out if need be.  Hugs

Post # 6
Member
7528 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Ugh, I’m sorry! So many things he said were so wrong and even downright insulting to your intelligence bee. Like this:

He did say that he felt pressured and that he “isn’t ready”. He also said that me asking this question indicates that i don’t fully trust him to lead and i just kinda stopped listening after that. 

First, why does he feel like it’s his role to lead? This is 2018 FFS…you guys are equal partners. You’re not just some obedient homemaker that has to sit around and wait for prince charming to make a move. Gross.

Second, does he even see the inherent contradiction of these two sentences? He says he’s not ready, but in the next breath expresses frustration that you dont trust him? How are you supposed to trust him when he says he’s not ready and further says he doesn’t know when he will be ready?? You’d be a fool to trust him to propose within your timeline when he’s straight up told you he doesn’t know he’ll be able to.

He said he used to brag to his friends that I never pressured him about marriage and stuff.

Gross. It frankly says a lot about him that he’d brag to his bros about something so intimate and private between you two, and that he thinks having a laid back “cool girl” gf is something to boast about. Also, the fact that he even told you this is really messed up. It’s almost like he’s saying “hey I used to brag about you to my friends but now I can’t because you’re being a nag.” Like pressuring you to shut up about your needs so he can resume bragging about you. Really really bad bee!

I hope next time you speak about it he will have cooled off and will be able to have a more considerate and respectful discussion with you about your JOINT future. Because that’s what it is. Fuck this “don’t you trust me to lead” bullshit and this “I used to brag about how you don’t pressure me to my friends” mindfuckery. 

I def think rethinking the lease signing is a good idea.

Post # 7
Member
1069 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018 - -

It’s weird. It’s like some people think proposing means the end of their freedom . . . weird. If you’re with someone you know you want to spend the rest of your life with, there’s no question. Just buy a cheapo stand-in if it’s a money thing. Talking about engagement/marriage only feels pressuring if you don’t know what you really want. I don’t know. I just want to commend you for standing your ground and being a badass.

Post # 9
Member
4081 posts
Honey bee

I rolled my eyes hard at him showing off that you didn’t pressure him. Wanting a forever with someone after four years isn’t a bad thing. My DH also said he felt like we had so much going on that adding planning a wedding to it would be too much. It turns out he was planning his proposal already when he said that, so you never know, but that was still a stupid comment from your SO. I think some guys are just not always ready to grow up no matter who they’re with. 

Post # 10
Member
1591 posts
Bumble bee

I think bragging to his friends that you weren’t “pressuring” him for marriage is super weird. 

Post # 11
Member
1758 posts
Buzzing bee

I like you! I wish more of my girl friends had this head on their shoulders. You stay strong, you know exactly what you deserve and refuse to settle. This post makes me proud and hopeful for womens’ future ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 14
Member
1069 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018 - -

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azf0019 :  HAHAHAHA!!! Fuck yes!!! Lol Go be happy, tryhard bachelors by yourselves. ๐Ÿ˜Ž

Post # 15
Member
1591 posts
Bumble bee

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azf0019 :  someone should want to be excited to spend the rest of their lives with you. 

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